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to be changed my mind about this aspect of our wedding?

(14 Posts)
Bellyrub1980 Mon 07-Nov-16 22:58:00

Ok, so we are planning a wedding for the summer. Both of us are introverts, hate the lime light and basically want to keep the 'formal/serious' bits as intimate as possible with just close family and one close friend each, my bridesmaid, his best man. I have a large immediate family and because of this there will be 20 at the ceremony and the wedding breakfast.

The party, however, will be massive and this is where we intend to spend the majority of our budget.

However.... recently I have started to feel a bit sad that some of my other friends and a few of my aunties won't be there at the ceremony. I think I'm becoming more sentimental about it. Plus I have one friend in particular who will be coming over from Dubai... just for a party!

This sentimentality is out of character for me as I've always said I don't want a big spectacular ceremony. My fiancé really doesn't want anyone other than close family at the ceremony as he feels it's a 'private' sort of thing. Plus he absolutely hates being centre of attention. Which I do too normally. So am I being unreasonable to have this change of heart?

PS: Please tell me I am BU and that I should snap out of feeling soppy about what is essentially just a 30 minute event.

Bellyrub1980 Mon 07-Nov-16 22:59:38

PPS sorry for typo in the title....

80sWaistcoat Mon 07-Nov-16 23:03:47

I may not be the best person to comment as I'd have happily eloped. But, on the day, with 80 people crammed in a room designed to hold 40, I found that bit, the ceremony, incredibly emotional. I was really happy that people were there to witness that bit and that I'd asked my big brother to give me away and friends were there and family.

TBH that's it, the bit that probably counted the most for me. That public declaration was the point, it's historical, and it really meant somethings to stand up in front of everyone and say all those words...

I'd just let everyone come!

honeyroar Mon 07-Nov-16 23:06:36

We had a small wedding for 25 people for similar reasons, followed by a big party at night. Quite a few people came to the ceremony too, despite only being invited to the evening do. We went back home for photos and bubbly, so we insisted that they did too, they just didn't come to the meal afterwards.

Helbelle75 Mon 07-Nov-16 23:08:16

Our room was rammed as well and I thought I'd be really nervous, but I almost forgot everyone was there and it was just DH and I. An incredibly happy time.
Talk to your fiance about it - best not to have any regrets after the event.

Bellyrub1980 Mon 07-Nov-16 23:16:46

We've talked about it a lot. He's been to about 3 weddings in total in his entire life. I don't think he really 'gets' it.... I've been a bridesmaid at 9 weddings. So I guess I have more experience.

He's deadly serious about just close family only to the ceremony, it's really important to him. I don't want to force him into doing something that will effect his enjoyment of the day (he suffers quite badly with anxiety).

I think, after reading what I have just written, that I need to be flexible here. I can't just change my mind after agreeing with him for the last 18 months.

I'm being U right?

Prawnofthepatriarchy Mon 07-Nov-16 23:16:55

During my wedding ceremony the only people I noticed at all were my DH and the vicar. The rest of the guests faded into a blur. Bet you don't even register the number of people there. I didn't. But I was so happy sharing those magical minutes with people who loved us.

BackforGood Mon 07-Nov-16 23:22:53

It's not really a choice between YABU or YANBU - this is what you feel.

Personally I think the ceremony is the most important part of the day, and felt it important everyone was at mine, and feel it's important to go to that part if at all possible when someone else is getting married, but I'm not really an introvert so difficult to say how much of an issue this will be for your dhtb.
Best advice - as above - is to talk to him about what yu are feeling now, and see if you can't compromise.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Mon 07-Nov-16 23:25:28

During the actual wedding I wasn't really aware of anyone apart from my DH and the vicar. The rest of them faded into a blur. Afterwards I felt so happy that all those people had been a part of it, not at all shy. The happiness and excitement carry you along.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Mon 07-Nov-16 23:26:21

Managed to post twice. Sorry! blush

Flywheel Mon 07-Nov-16 23:29:37

I definitely would try to reach a compromise. It doesn't sound like your dp is going to be comfortable with large numbers at the ceremony, but he may be willing to add a few to the guest list so more important people can be there. Bear in mind though that it could still be hard to draw a line with out opening the floodgates, and you may end up with noses out of joint.

ThornyBird Mon 07-Nov-16 23:32:52

I also think the ceremony is actually the most important bit of the wedding day/celebration and as a guest, that's the bit I like most to be a part of.

Interestingly (or perhaps not) dh and I were the opposite of you to the run up to our wedding - I wanted to run off and do it in private and he wanted the whole big wedding thing. In the end we went big (80ish guests) and I'm so glad we did as PP have said - it's sharing a special moment with people who care about you.

Bellyrub1980 Mon 07-Nov-16 23:53:48

He's really excited about the day at the moment. When we made our choice re small number at the ceremony and wedding breakfast he was visibly relieved. He was dreading a big audience for the vows. Me making this compromise will allow him to genuinely look forward to it.

I think he may be flexible regarding a few more friends at the ceremony, friends are an easier subject to broach so I'll ask him tomorrow.

It's the huge difference between our family's. but it's the fact that if you cherry pick the odd favourite auntie here and there you automatically offend 20 other relatives who would consider themselves to be just as important.

It's so difficult. It's easy for him as his entire family (close and extended) amounts to just 12 people! They are not at all close. I've only met a few of them the whole time we've been together. Only 2 of his extended family have met our daughter! The whole family dynamic quite disjointed so he see's no value in having his aunties/uncles/cousins there who, quite frankly, probably wouldn't care anyway.

My family, on the other hand, is huge, we're all very friendly with each other, not close exactly, but we stay in touch and they all love a good wedding. All the family weddings on my side have been BIG DEALS. Everyone gets invited to everything. But I have always dreaded a wedding like that. I have felt sick with nerves at thought oh listening to the speeches at my wedding. This is why it's so stupid I've changed my mind!!!

CaspoFungin Tue 08-Nov-16 00:09:55

Have you really changed your mind or do you think you're worried about people being disappointed it won't be a bug knees up?

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