What happened exactly?(39 Posts)
I have left a few post on mumsnets in the past. Usually about the lighter side of life or if someone is looking for advice about a situation I have also found myself in. I'm level headed. Not a drama lama. But this recent situation has really put my head in a spin and I'm asking for perspective. I have name changed because I would quite like to go back to my old name and talk about about the lovelier stuff in life.
A few nights ago my husband woke me. He was talking in his sleep. He had said very loudly and in a sinister tone "get your knickers off". Next thing he has grabbed me and grappling with my PJ's. He was rough, vocal and I was feeling very shocked. I had to use physical force to get him off me. He had been drinking the evening before but I had not. I knew his initial statement was sleep talking but everything after that I assumed he was at leat half awake and would remember in the morning.
I considered leaving the bed, not because I was scared but because I was very angry. My children were home so there were no spare bedrooms so I stayed put. By this time he had fallen back to sleep anyway and I wasn't in any immediate danger of being woken up again. Just to emphasis though it was a really shocking few moments.
Next morning I was expecting an apology. Nothing. He had no recall of anything.
Now a bit of back ground. My husband has a high sex drive. He loves me and we have a great a sex life but his appetite is much bigger and broader than mine. We have had a few occasions in the past when he's over stepped the mark with me. It's been alarming but the balance is the he is otherwise loving and kind. But when it comes to sex I cannot always go as far as him.
Our first sexual encounter took me by surprise. I wasn't expecting to have sex but he certainly pushed the event to the point i thought i would look stupid saying no / secretly excited it was about to happen.
He looks at a lot of porn sites ( with my knowledge) and I've always felt this has bridged the gap.
On occasions I've had sex when I didn't want to. Other times our sex life blows my mind and I feel like the most most loved woman in the world, flaws and all. He's naturally fit and honestly I'm a bit flabby now which he does not care about one jot.
I have lost my thread a bit but it's been a few days now and I'm still feeling a bit shocked at what happened. It's not strictly a one off either. He's often tried it on at really inappropriate times.
My aibu is do I let it go or try and talk about it with him with much firmer words than I've already tried. He's shrugged the whole event off because he remembers nothing.
If he keeps shrugging it off when you talk about it I'd sleep elsewhere until he realises that you do take it seriously.
He sounds a bit ugh.
He sexually abuses and even rapes you. That's the bottom line.
Do you want to live with a man like this in your life?
You've had sex when you didn't want to?
I wouldn't even bother discussing anything with him- I'd be off.
My husband occasionally comes on to me in his sleep. Not violently, like you've described. I rarely turn him down for sex, so it's not like he's pretending to be asleep to "trick" me into having sex with him. So, I think it is possible that your husband was asleep and doesn't remember it. I have asked my husband at what point he wakes up, and he said before he gets to "the good stuff," so I guess you can draw your own conclusion as to what point that is.
I don't think it's reasonable to discuss this incident further; if he was truly asleep, he was likely not in control of his behavior. That said, it does seem like there are some red flags with him and sex that need to be addressed. I am wondering if those underlying issues are what made him act so forcefully in his sleep? There needs to be a larger discussion here. Based on your post, I think I would have suggested some kind of counseling before now, or LTB if he had refused.
Bloody hell I really have heard it all now. Not in control?
Your husband is sexually abusing you. For goodness sake leave him.
Fuck that. I sleep in a separate bedroom because of snoring not sleep rape.
this person is disgusting, why are you with him ?? can't honestly love you if he behaves like an animal, oh, no wait, animals behave better, this guy is a rapist and a sexual abuser
I feel sick reading your post, OP!
Your DH sounds like an animal, and that is an insult to animals. He sees you as a sex object.
I don't kow how you can be with such a man. Your OP made my skin crawl. He sounds truly abhorrent.
Bloody hell I really have heard it all now. Not in control?
People walk in their sleep, talk in their sleep, even eat in their sleep. No one questions whether they're in control of those actions. Just because this has to do with sex doesn't mean he knew what he was doing.
As I said, there's a huge issue here. I think this incident is a symptom of a larger, underlying problem.
There are two things going on here:
1. you are having sex sometimes when you don't want to. It's not clear if you say no and then give in because you feel you have no choice, in which case that is rape, or if you agree because it's easier, which I suppose isn't rape but isn't my idea of a good sex life
2. it's very possible he was still asleep when he said he was. However I'd be worried about him not wanting to discuss it. I think you have to push that point.
Grappling with you yet remembers nothing? Mine would ask what the big fucking bruises were all over him, he'd remember big time. I find it difficult to believe the someone could not wake up given the 'grappling'. If he regularly pushes you to have sex when you don't want it, this is rape. He is a sex pest. Do you tell him no?
In his sleep?
There was an article about a hotel guest that raped another hotel guest in his sleep. He was found not guilty because he has sexomnia or something like that.
I guess you need separate bedrooms and a lock on the door. He could do it to one of the children
Sounds like he has a sex addiction to me. Does he watch 'regular' porn or more extreme stuff? It's a problem because it's affecting you - please try and talk to him, does he know how you feel? If he gets angry about it then I'd be even more sure it's an addiction he is losing control of
As for the sleep thing, we can all dream about something when we are pre-occupied. He may well have been truly asleep but he should be mortified about what this problem of his is doing to you. It's not fair on you and he needs to get some help, I think
Ok. Just to offer perspective me and my family are all big sleep walkers. I've had physical fights with my dh when I've been asleep and legit not remembered a thing. Whilst not great my dh is three times my size and can easily subdue me. However my 6ft4 bother has had multiple occasions where he's had night terrors and lashed out at her in the night on his wife. Not ideal, fucking awful and scary and honestly not possible to remember it in the morning which only makes it worse for all those involved - including the one who was sleep "walking". However, we seek treatment and help for this, we know our triggers (ie stress, drinking etc).
However the major difference here is, in the morning when we find out we are heart broken and immediately go back to step one to fix it. Even if this includes sleeping separately for a few months and going back to the sleep clinic. I dread passing this on to my children.
Assuming your dh was genuinely asleep and does not remember, if your dh is not bothered, shrugging it off and refusing to change anything about his behaviour to mitigate these events you genuinely need to ask, are you safe?
I'd refuse to share a bed with him. Next time he could do you some real damage. Men acting autonomously have killed their partners in the past.
If you can't sleep separately have an alarm plus an aerosol handy. A screech from the alarm and a blast of something nasty from an aerosol can would wake him in a hurry. Waking a person in this state does them no harm, btw, contrary to popular belief.
I'd suggest that Porn is fuelling the behaviour rather than bridging the divide between the type of sex he wants and the kind of sex you are comfortable with. Ask him to lay off the Porn for a bit. If he can't then he clearly has issues!
The sleep thing sounds like he was genuinely asleep. I would be very worried about the rest of it, though. This doesn't sound like a remotely healthy relationship to me.
If it was just the sleep grabbing, I would suggest sending him to his GP and sleeping in another room - not his fault but certainly not something you should have to tolerate. But it isn't just that. The rest of your OP is a horror story - sex as a surprise? Pushing you into having sex when you don't want it? Pushing the boundaries of what you are comfortable with? He doesn't sound nice at all and I think you are fooling yourself.
God. That sounds terrifying. I wouldn't feel safe.
I think there are two very different issues here.
I suffer badly with sleep disorders including sleep walking and sleep talking and am capable of doing some outrageous things whilst totally asleep, sounding coherent and not remembering it at all in the morning. It is very possible that he knows nothing about what he did. However, if my DH told me that I had had been violent or threatening in my sleep I would be totally mortified and very upset.
Your DH and your sex life:
I'm sorry, OP, but I agree with pps that he sounds horrible and some of the things you describe are abusive.
Please stay safe.
I agree that shrugging it off sounds like a big red flag
he ought to be profoundly apologetic and very worried about what else he might do in his sleep
sounds to me as if he's using it as some kind of free pass
Do you know the kind of porn he is watching? Do you feel it is helpful to your relationship?
There are so many things in your post that make me feel angry and sad actually. If you are not happy about something, talk to him, discuss it, get counselling, see if he can give up the porn for you.
It sounds like you are so thrilled someone as fit as him is willing to be with you that you are willing to put up with other stuff. This sounds to me like your self esteem is quite low. You had sex initially because he made you feel you had to, "I wasn't expecting to have sex but he certainly pushed the event to the point i thought i would look stupid saying no / secretly excited it was about to happen."
He sounds like a very controlling man, is this 'just' sexually controlling or controlling in other ways?
It's your life and if you are happy then that is fine but if things like this incident are making you unhappy then you need to address them with him, in a way that is safe to do.
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