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to feel a little bit sad

(42 Posts)
ohgoodlordthatsmoist Mon 07-Nov-16 10:20:58

I love my mum very much but I feel a little bit sad that she doesn't offer to help a little bit more with lo.
She feels that she has raised her family (which I totally respect) and as such it is a huge stretch to babysit, she has done so if lo is in bed and after being 'paid with a spa day' has agreed to look after lo while we attend a wedding next month, the wedding is 2 hours drive away so we will drive up in the morning and be back for around 11, she will not look after lo overnight and we will be expected to get up with him in the morning (usually 6am)
I feel a little bit sad as my cousins parents all offer to babysit regularly, would have said oh stay overnight and enjoy the day rather than being made feel guilty about Abandoning our child for the day.

Sorry I know I'm probably BU as she is under no obligation to help and so we would be grateful for any help we are getting, it just hurts a bit, especially as she looks after my cousins from time to time so their parents can have a night out/weekend away.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain Mon 07-Nov-16 10:25:16

No she's under no obligation. But it is hurtful, especially when you see how other GPs are. YANBU to be sad flowers

Idratherbeaunicorn Mon 07-Nov-16 10:25:17

I think this is always tricky, obviously there shouldn't be an expectation that grandparents should want to babysit etc, but like you said, it's quite sad that it seems that she doesn't want to get involved.
Would it be worth speaking with you mum? Do you have the sort of relationship where you could say something about you wanting her to be involved (not just for free babysitting!) and also about the difference between the way she is with you and your cousins?

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 07-Nov-16 10:26:36

Do you have anyone else who could look after LO? For whatever reason, she doesn't want to. I think I'd stop asking her, and find a nanny service or something instead if there's no other friends or family who would. She seems to be making it more stressful anyway, and it's not like either of them are benefitting from it.

This is one of those situations where it's okay to acknowledge that you feel sad as things aren't as you imagined, but you also have to remain focused that you can't change it so any angst is largely pointless. It may be easier all round to accept it; even if that has an effect on your relationship with your mum.

onedayimightforget Mon 07-Nov-16 10:29:08

YANBU. You'd be unreasonable if you expected her to do it but you don't, you just find it sad that she doesn't want to and so would I. It's hard when you see other GPs jumping at the opportunity to do anything with their GCs when yours declines when asked to help you out.

Cosmicglitterghoul Mon 07-Nov-16 10:32:49

My mum is like this. I accept it, but I do wonder at her lack of interest in my children. She's the same with my nephew too, never been interested. One of my friends has a child looked after by her grandmother one day a week and my mother was like 'sod that'. She's also the same with her elderly mother-rarely visits her, she likes sitting on the sofa and playing candy crush. So I don't worry about it, instead my MIL is great, as is my sister at offering to help. I do think I'll bear it in mind when she's old and lonely though.

DrQuinzel Mon 07-Nov-16 10:35:29

YANBU as you see that you can't expect her to do these things. I completely sympathise, both DM and IL's don't care for DD often (if ever) as they are quite young and in their words "I've raised my kids". Sometimes if they are meeting extended family or whatever they will ask to take DD along but that's it really which leaves a bad taste in my mouth as I feel they just want to show her off without putting effort in anywhere else. A lot of my friends have on-tap childcare too, whereas we pay a small fortune in nursery fees so I get a bit jealous.

Otherwise my close friends are always willing to have DD for an evening if DH and I want to go out, and they know her really well as we spend a lot of time with them so I don't have to worry about DD not feeling settled with them. Is that an option OP?

Ahickiefromkinickie Mon 07-Nov-16 10:36:41

especially as she looks after my cousins from time to time so their parents can have a night out/weekend away.

That's weird. Why does she have your cousins overnight or for a whole weekend but not her own DGD? Are the cousins older?

YANBU, btw. Did she ask for a spa day in return for babysitting?

ohgoodlordthatsmoist Mon 07-Nov-16 10:52:25

Really don't know why she takes my cousins kids apart from the 'she needs a break' and 'she's having a hard time' (apparently it's not my concern as to what her problem is - and from cousins Fb posts it would seem very little as her mum or my mum end up minding her kids)
There does seem to be an impression that I don't need help so why should she offer so we always have to ask very nicely and feel like we need to show our appreciation. It is the subtle remarks she makes about how my aunts/uncles are really taken advantage off my their kids that makes it clear she isn't going to help more than she has to.

Maybe she feels I would take advantage if she gave more. (I wouldn't), in laws aren't a great deal of help either!

Oh well we are muddling by, I shall pull up my big girl pants and get on with it. I just wanted a rant that I can't have in real life. Biscuits for me!

MiscellaneousAssortment Mon 07-Nov-16 10:59:27

Yes it's sad isn't it?

My mother has never had any intention or desire to look after DS. It wasn't so bad when my father was alive and loved making DS part of their world. When he died my mother completely washed her hands of DS, which is really upsetting as DS lost both his grand parents then.

Very awkward moment in the funeral car when my aunt was asking me why I haven't had an op I was supposed to have had before then. I explained what I hadn't got anyone to take care of DS, and she gaped and turned to my mother (her sister), and said 'but surely you'll go down to help with everything?' And then there was a ghastly silence. As no, there's no way she'd lift a finger to help.

I wonder if they realise how upsetting it is to have parents who are uninterested in helping out. I know we see the way other people's families care about each other and help out without seeing it as a massive imposition. I wonder if they ever realise how different they are?

I don't think people should take it for granted that their parents will help. But I don't understand how people can see themselves as part of a family group and not want to muck in.

I can't imagine seeing my DS struggling or even just wanting a bit of a break, and me not wanting to pitch in if I could. Especially if that means getting to spend time with my adored grand children (theoretically, DS is still a child)!

Cheerybigbottom Mon 07-Nov-16 11:10:34

Yanbu. My mum & dad have absolutely no interest in helping out, they visit and it's basically 2 hours of my dad wincing at my sons play noises (he's 4, he can be noisy) and getting annoyed and tutting at him.

My mil is a lovely woman but her daughter and other son need a lot of time and money off her so we're an afterthought. It is upsetting, so I can honestly mirror how you feel.

My friends mum cares for her 2 kids 3 days a week and takes them to sleep over once a week. My parents have never babysat and my mil does it once a year, roughly.

I just wish my son had more people to love him.

ohgoodlordthatsmoist Mon 07-Nov-16 11:22:29

Thanks everyone it's good to know I'm not alone in having a parent like this it's just hard when it seems that everyone else has a break from time to time.

I do think she loves my lo just in her own way that doesn't involve helping me out.

DonkeyOaty Mon 07-Nov-16 11:28:37

It is hurtful. And it's ok to feel a bit downhearted.


KERALA1 Mon 07-Nov-16 11:31:24

Just wait until they are older. Dd2 is 8 and weirdly incredibly family orientated. She has started to ask why we see a lot of my parents who she adores but barely see ils. What to say? "Because they are not that interested darling" sounds rather harsh. But is true.

The80sweregreat Mon 07-Nov-16 11:33:27

I was the same and it does hurt( unless it was a real emergency) but there isnt much you can do really. Trying to build up your own network of friends locally and try to help each other out that way - you will be surprised how many people do have this - more than you think! As future generations have to work longer and till they are much older , i think grandparents helping out a lot will gradually fade too. All my friends had oodles of help and my dh and i had to get on with it on our own! ( it does make you more self sufficient though!)

KlingybunFistelvase Mon 07-Nov-16 11:34:12

This is so hurtful! My in-laws regularly babysit (one day per fortnight, more in school holidays) for sil's DCs. We have 1 dc who they have watched maybe 5 or 6 times in her lifetime. My own mum died before DC was born and my dad lives overseas. You'd think they'd like to offer us some support but... nope! Oh well. flowers

Sammysquiz Mon 07-Nov-16 14:15:42

When I'm struggling with childcare for DC and ask for help, mum says things like 'when you were young I didn't have any help and I just got on with it'. Yes, but it was bloody hard wasn't it, so why would you not want to help just a bit!

Pineapplemilkshake Mon 07-Nov-16 14:22:00

YANBU. My parents will happily look after DS any time I ask, and in fact provided FT free childcare when he was younger. My gran did this for my parents and I hope I can do the same for my future grandchildren some day.

I feel bad I used to take this for granted. Since joining mumsnet ive realised many grandparents don't help out at all. One of my friends is a single parent and her own mother died a few years ago. She has to pay her dad to look after her 2 DC for a couple of hours when she is working an evening shift.

NerrSnerr Mon 07-Nov-16 14:32:59

YANBU. My daughter has three sets of grandparents. One set live about 4 hours away but can and will help as much as they can, but it's tough as they have another local grandchild who they do a lot of childcare for so can't take much time away, another live 4 hours away and unfortunately due to health (and lack of interest) can't do anything. My inlaws live 90 minutes away and MIL will say to whoever listens that she will do anything for her but in reality will play for a bit but won't do any feeding, nappies etc. We've had a few issues where they've taken her to the park while we've had a coffee or something and even though we've given nappies etc she's come back with poo up her back and stuff and they've ignored it. They also always forget to give food and drink we ask them to offer her so we don't leave her with them.

We've got baby number 2 due next year. I'm hoping for another planned c section and to get by with help from friends because we have such limited support from family.

llangennith Mon 07-Nov-16 14:33:28

As a grandmother who happily has DGC daily, overnight, and longer if their parents want a short holiday without them, I too can't understand why DGP don't want to see more of their DGC. I adore my DGC and love being close to them.
My DM didn't do anything to help me, and my DC were never close to her. My Grandma helped a lot and my family loved her.
You can't change people and in time your DM may realise she's missing out on time with her DGC. Then again she might not: my DM never did!

JudgyPantsUpMyAss Mon 07-Nov-16 14:39:17

YANBU. I'm in a similar position with both DPs and PILs. They make the right noises but ultimately would rather not look after the DCs if they can help it.

I do find it very hurtful. It's a long way off, but to me the idea of looking after my children's future children is wonderful. I can't imagine not adoring them.

My cousin has lots of help from her sister and her mum (my aunt) as well as from her MIL. I don't begrudge her it at all, but I admit I'm very envious.

Unwrapped Mon 07-Nov-16 15:13:32

How old is LO? If he's a toddler maybe she feels he's too much work/responsibility at the moment? She might get involved more when he's older.

My parents don't help with our DS (15 months) and I wouldn't expect them to at this age. He's into everything, has tantrums, runs off and needs a lot of time and energy. I'm hoping they might help more when he's older and more independent.

blueturtle6 Mon 07-Nov-16 15:18:31

Yanbu, it hurts she can do it for cousins and not you.
My DM/DF have dropped everything at the drop of a hat to look after dd and me when I was unable. So I am lucky that way. But no help from ILs which is a shame as dd is an easy baby

sarahC40 Mon 07-Nov-16 16:07:25

My mil got much more involved when dc were not quite so young. She did say at one point for ds1 that she wouldn't look after him (in the evening) unless we guaranteed he wouldn't cry...hmm however, they and my parents have always stepped in at the drop of a hat since they dc got a bit older. I don't think yabu and I would feel disappointed too but for the dc rather than me. I hope things improve for you over time x

Nanny0gg Mon 07-Nov-16 16:51:51

I look after my DGC and enjoy it (mostly) but sometimes it's a bit of a chore (even though I love them to bits)

I had no help as family lived too far away. I think it's sad if they don't want to, but I also understand that some people just don't enjoy small children.

I do think I'll bear it in mind when she's old and lonely though.

I think that is somewhat harsh though.

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