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OW contacting DH

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DillyDingDillyDong Mon 07-Nov-16 09:07:28

I posted a short while ago about DH sleeping with another woman years ago. It was resolved and almost forgotten about but then my company hired her and I have been working with her.

Recently I have had a bit of a rubbish time. I had a miscarriage, a couple of family bereavements, a fall out with a friend and DS has just had a huge operation which has brought a whole load of new problems with family.

Anyway, I have needed to be off work for a while. I'm a nursery manager and ow manages another nursery in the company but we're paired together for various reasons. She has been coming in to my setting to help out with the management side of things although my deputy and third in charge have most of it handled. I left DH's number on a post it on my desk saying to call him if it was an emergency and they couldn't get me.

DH's phone went off this morning while he was in the shower. I shouted through to him and he asked me to check it in case it was work. It was an unsaved number and the text said "Hope everything is ok with you guys. Sorry for what I sent on Friday, I was a bit drunk and stupid." I went in to the bathroom and told him and asked who it was. He then turned the water off and got out looking very serious and he said that he was sorry and didn't want me to find out yet. So I got a bit panicky and thought the worst. I hadn't opened the phone I'd just seen the message on the locked screen so at this point I did. I went to the messages and there wasn't one there from Friday but a few from last week.

The first said "Hi, hope you don't mind me texting you. Just wanted to check on DS and send you all my love." DH replied saying thanks, gave an update on DS and asked who it was. The reply came saying it was OW. DH then replied saying he wasn't too sure how she got his number and appreciated the nice ,message but would prefer it if she didn't contact him again.

She replied again saying it was on the post it and she felt like she couldn't resist texting, and that she was divorcing her husband having a really rough time and it was a moment of madness. She apologised and said she realised it was stupid but she could use a friendly face. DH replied again saying he was sorry to hear it but we had our own stuff going on and how unfair she's being to me who has handled our recent work situation so well. He said that he didn't want to upset me with so much going on and asked her again to not contact him.

There was nothing for a couple of days and then she text on Thursday saying she was sorry for contacting him in the first place and now she can't stop thinking about him and all these feelings were resurfacing. He didn't reply and she sent another one saying his stupid she is. He didn't reply and she said she gets the message and that I'm so lucky to have him.

DH has just told me that she text again on Friday night saying she missed him and wishes they would have had a chance of being together and she still thinks about him and the night they were together. He deleted it straight away and said you could tell she had been drinking because of the way it was typed and some of the words were spelt wrong. He didn't tell me because we've had so much stuff to deal with and he wanted to wait but admitted he wasn't sure if he was ever actually going to say anything because of the implications with work and it bringing up old feelings and memories for me.

I believe DH and understand why he didn't tell me. I don't know what to do about OW. She's clearly having a rough time but so am I and it doesn't give her the right to try and start things up with my husband especially after I've been so nice to her. Should I contact her or just leave it to DH to ignore her? I know some of you might think I should be suspicious that he deleted the text from Friday but I honestly believe him. We've come a very long way since this happened and he's a completely different person to who he was then, and so am I. And I know circumstances last time were different as we were fighting and probably going to break up but now are so strong and have DS.

I don't even know if I'm angry or upset or anything else because I've felt a million and one things over this past month! I'm just sat in the bath hoping for some good advice off mumsnet!

LurkingQuietly Mon 07-Nov-16 09:12:21

I'm not for one second suggesting this is the right thing to do, but I'd go absolutely nuclear at her. How dare she?

You sound like an infinitely better person than me though. flowers

originalmavis Mon 07-Nov-16 09:13:05

I'd be raging. If I were you, is text on his behalf that she is never to contact him again and that her number is now blocked. Should there be an emergency when work needs to get a hold if him, someone else has to do this as he will not engage with her on any level - and of this is not done then HR will know the reason for the request. And that you (wife) knows all about this.

I may or may not spit into her coffee too.

LuckySantangelo1 Mon 07-Nov-16 09:15:39

You may do better re posting this in relationships. In AIBU you will just get posters jumping up & down asking why you are haven't left your husband. No shades of grey here!

QueenofallIsee Mon 07-Nov-16 09:17:02

Firstly, well done for not going round there and punching her in her fucking deceitful face. I recall the situation when her got the job, and was filled with admiration for you then. Your husband has behaved properly, I do actually get why he didn't tell you.

As your manager was told what had happened last time, I think I would actually explain that your colleague used information found at work to make a pass at your husband, and thus it is not possible for you to work with her anymore. Basically, I would try to get her the sack.

londonrach Mon 07-Nov-16 09:17:53

His number needs to be changed. Its silly you having to work with her. Can this be changed somehow

sueelleker Mon 07-Nov-16 09:18:23

Get a new number, and don't give it to her!

RentANDBills Mon 07-Nov-16 09:19:17

As your manager was told what had happened last time, I think I would actually explain that your colleague used information found at work to make a pass at your husband, and thus it is not possible for you to work with her anymore. Basically, I would try to get her the sack.

This. She breached data protection law (?) or at least privacy by taking this number for personal gain. This makes it a work issue

LivinOnAChair Mon 07-Nov-16 09:19:38

Can you not get something done about her using DH's number off your desk to contact him inappropriately? It wasn't left there for personal use but to contact you in a professional sense. I'd ask HR about that. Agree with PP, go fucking nuclear!

flowers for you, you sound like your having a shit time and this stupid, selfish woman is making it even worse.

AchingBack Mon 07-Nov-16 09:20:40

I remember your original thread. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby and the all the other events that have hit since. I am so angry on your behalf at how disrespectful she has been to you and your relationship especially when you showed her as much respect as you did at the time.

I think if it was myself I would contact hr/your bosses and pass it back to them to deal with. She's used personal details you've left there to contact your husband inappropriately. Whether she's having a hard time or not it doesn't excuse her messages and she has misappropriated your personal information for her own (potential) gain. As an employer I would want to know that.

Trifleorbust Mon 07-Nov-16 09:21:02

Block her number. Tell her to her face that you know she has been texting your DH and you are actually quite revolted by her deceitful behaviour. Explain that your husband has shared all her messages with you and you are telling her out of courtesy, so she can stop making such a show of herself grin

Didijustgetwinkpointshitcanned Mon 07-Nov-16 09:21:02

The cheeky bitch!

I'm with queen. She's crossed a line and brought her personal life into the workplace by contacting him using details you left for work. And this was after you were professional about the whole horrible situation with her working there.

AyeAmarok Mon 07-Nov-16 09:21:12

I can see why your DH did what he did, I think I'd believe him too.

I think your DH needs to send her a very final message saying he is not interested in any way, never will be, whole thing was a stupid mistake and he will be blocking her.

As for her... Unprofessional for one. Total bitch is the other thing I'm thinking. Her life might be falling apart but it's her own actions that have caused it.

Poor you OP.

THirdEeye Mon 07-Nov-16 09:21:30

You are going through a tough time with your DS (and batshit crazy SIL) and quite frankly do not need this.

Who cares if she is going through a tough time, that does not give her permission to do this. She has her own friends/family to get support from.

He needs to block her number and not engage with her if she tries to contact him by other means. I would would seriously be pissed off, he should have told you straight away.

Arfarfanarf Mon 07-Nov-16 09:22:33

I remember your other thread.
You were so reasonable about her. And kind. Thoughtful. Considerate. Wanted to ensure you did nothing to ruin things for her.

I remember sitting there reading it and thinking i had never in my life encountered anyone so mature!

And she's totally and utterly taken the piss.

She's taken the first opportunity she could to try to get right back in there.

I think at this point you owe her nothing. Not that you ever did.

I would go back to the manager - i recall you filled them in on it? - and tell them what she has done and say for this reason you cannot and will not work with her.

HeCantBeSerious Mon 07-Nov-16 09:22:55

This. She breached data protection law (?) or at least privacy by taking this number for personal gain. This makes it a work issue

Nope. If the number was left publicly on a post it note by the OP then none of the data handling regulations apply. But she's acted extremely unprofessionally and I'd be raising a grievance (at the very least).

DillyDingDillyDong Mon 07-Nov-16 09:22:58

I don't think I have the energy to go nuclear! I'm tired of everything being shit lately.

I didn't even realise I'd posted in AIBU! It makes no sense to be here, I'll ask for it be be changed. I'm just a zombie today.

MrsGwyn Mon 07-Nov-16 09:24:04

Inform you manager and HR let them deal with it.

If DH does change his number - ask colleagues discreetly to be very careful who has access to the number - poss send via e-mail not leave in plain sight. Though it's not unreasonable to have done that - because you expect colleagues to be professional.

THirdEeye Mon 07-Nov-16 09:25:50

How did she get his number?

FlapsTie Mon 07-Nov-16 09:25:54

I completely understand why he didn't bring it up.

I'd have to say something to the sly bitch. And yes, take it up with your boss that she's taken a number left in a work context and used it this way.

GreyBird84 Mon 07-Nov-16 09:26:00

I remember your thread OP.
I'm sorry how tough things are for you.
You absolutely need to tell your manager.
She has used a number you left incase of a professional emergency for her own sordid means. Her bad time does not excuse this.
What a stupid bitch.

You've been very fair so far OP & unfortunately you haven't received that decency in return.

SailingThroughTime Mon 07-Nov-16 09:26:00

Text her from DH's number. Tell her it's you and that he has shown you her texts (he should have done that straight away as 100% honesty is vital and he's a knob for not realising the importance of that). Tell her that if she attempts to contact him again DH will report her for harrassment and you will report her unprofessional behaviour to HR. Tell her you have copies of the texts and that as soon as you have sent your text her number will be blocked.

witsender Mon 07-Nov-16 09:26:17

Get a new number, and take this further up the chain. She has overstepped the mark professionally and personally.

MyballsareSandy2015 Mon 07-Nov-16 09:26:25

Cheeky fucking bitch. I'd do my best to get her sacked.

Foxysoxy01 Mon 07-Nov-16 09:26:29

On mist modern phones you are able to block numbers yourself without phoning your service provider so I would do that now and block all contact from her.

You then should speak to your manager and let them know she has taken your DH number and why.

It's then up to you if you break her nose angry but maybe best to rise above it all, perhaps next time you see her ask her not to contact him or you again that you have told your manager and just wish to be left alone or you will take it further.

Sorry you are having a crap time flowers

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