No children at destination wedding(541 Posts)
Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...
Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.
The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club
You need to just be totally clear on invitations that no children at the ceremony means that, and even if that means you end up with no guests, that is your preference.
I have no idea though why you are inviting 100 guests to a destination wedding. I've always thought that if you want lots of guests you have your wedding somewhere sensible. You seem to be trying to have your cake and eat it.
Do you know for certain that the hotel kids club takes children as young as 2? ( Not many do without a parent staying).
Not a hope in hell I would leave my 2 year old there tbh. An older child possibly (although I would be far from happy)
I wouldn't invite anyone to Mexico and just have the UK celebration when you get back. Then your wedding is just about you and definitely won't be ruined by screaming kids, family politics, people having "funny turns" in the heat etc. You'd get the best of both worlds.
There is no way I'd make my two year old endure a long haul flight to be ditched with strangers on the other side of the world whilst I attended your ceremony.
Sorry, but I think 'destination weddings' are just every shade of ridiculous. I can see getting married abroad with just family around, it's elopement, really, but some big production 7000 miles away? Nah. Does the kid's club cost, too? Many won't take children under 3/not potty-trained.
Yanbu to want this however I don't think your guests would be unreasonable to be a bit cheesed off with this arrangement.
Is your BIL the type who would agree to sit at the back with the 2 year old and dash for the door at the first sign of any noise? If so, that could be your best compromise?
(That said, a good friend did this. Her BIL spent almost the entire ceremony playing outside with his sons (bride's much loved nephews) - no problem. What was a problem, though, was that her awful now SIL sat there with her child and letting her scream throughout the whole ceremony. So it only works if you're absolutely sure of cooperation!)
Bonkers. You can't invite people to Mexico and then say 'no kids'. Way out of order & I say that as someone who had a child free wedding.
My friend had a destination wedding, I left my two year old at home with family. As did my friends, all of whom had children ranging from one to four years old. There was no issue there at all, and I actually preferred the break personally, although not everyone feels like that.
However, she did have family children at the wedding, so I would be prepared for a bit of pushback. Not that you need to pay any attention, mind you, but just be aware it could happen.
Also, I wasn't aware there were rules about the number of guests at destination weddings - any time I've been to one it's had around 100 guests and there's been four in the past few years.
We're inviting all the guests who we'd want in the UK to be in Mexico too. Our thought process is why would we not invite them just because it's elsewhere? Which is also why we're emphasising no expectation at all, if it ends up just being the two of us, we're fine with that. But close friends have expressed they'd be disappointed if we assumed that they wouldn't want to come because of the distance. Inviting everyone gives them the choice, that's all.
So ponk are you saying you just wouldn't go at all? Again, we don't mind if they don't come, we'd totally understand and there would be no hard feelings on our part but we think they would be quite stroppy about it and make a big deal about not coming
I don't think you're being unreasonable. You want Mexico and no kids, that's your prerogative.
But..... I wouldn't go to Mexico and leave my kids with randoms. Some will, many won't. Only you know your friends and family well enough to know what they'll think of it?
Most 4 or 5* hotels will offer a nanny service that will cost a bit extra. I'd offer to pay the nanny charge for the DBs child and speak about it on the phone before the invites go out so they understand what you are offering etc. It lessens the chance for offence if you have the conversation first. I don't see a problem with a 2 year old being left with a vetted hotel nanny pottering somewhere on the beach nearby for an hour.
We have used hotel nannies at several different hotels when DC were toddlers and all were fine and DC enjoyed themselves and we enjoyed the peace of an hour or two alone.
I don't think there'll be many people who will fly their kids out to Mexico for your wedding to then leave them in a holiday club while they attend your ceremony.
And you know this.
So what you're really saying to your BIL is "we're not arsed whether you're there or not".
But, your wedding, your choice.
Hmm. I think you may cause a rift with dps brother. I certainly wouldn't fly across the world to something my kids couldn't come to.
How does your dp feel about it? Does he definitely not want his nephew there? Could you be childfree apart from immediate family? Or maybe just get married abroad yourself and have the big celebration at home.
And seriously 100 people to another country?!
I think it's utterly unreasonable to insist on a child free wedding when people are thousands of miles away from their regular childcare. A child free wedding when you might be able to leave your kid with someone they know or with a professional of your choice is one thing but where the only choice is a hotel kids club...no.
Every hotel kids club I've come across also asks where you are going to be and for contact numbers so they can call you if the child isn't happy, and they have no hesitation in calling and coming to find you if your child is crying. So you might well get a different type of child related ceremony interruption.
I think yabu. Why not just ask him nicely to take the child out if it starts kicking off during the ceremony? Child free wedding in the UK? Fine. Dragging people halfway across the world and also snubbing their kids? It's too much.
At the very least you need to first check the kids club would be suitable and pay for it.
I wouldn't put a two year old in a kids club in an unfamiliar place, no, not without my being present myself.
Personally I don't think the No Children rule at destination weddings is resolvable. Someone will be pissed off.
Natalia the family have previous form for letting their DD sit and scream, claiming "some people don't mind". Hence the nerves about potentially saying "have her there but at the back" ... their perception of her noise is completely different to ours!
You are expecting your guests to rely on childcare thousands of miles away, when they have no idea of the reliability of said childcare. This is when they have travelled a huge distance to be at your wedding and paid out their family holiday budget for the year, I assume, for that dubious privilege. YABVVU. Have my first 'Are you on glue?'
My personal view is that you're overthinking it - I had children at my wedding but not at the reception after 6.
But if you want to do this, & it's your wedding, I think you have to discuss it in person and explain why it's so important to you etc.
We have been to Mexico several times with our children. However most hotel kids clubs start age 4. Have you checked that there is a cr che for two year olds at the hotel where you are getting married and that it is open at the time of the ceremony e.g quite a few Mexico weddings to be early evening as it is very hot in the day, crèchesdches creches may not still be open then. Having seen plenty of weddings taking place at hotels in Mexico, they tend to be very visible to other guests so although your own guests may put their two year olds in a crèche, there is nothing to say that you may not hear other shouty toddlers in the background.
It is going to cost a lot to host 100 guests at a top hotel for. Wedding reception, lots of add ons like light up dance floors on the beach etc.
Personally I would allow my brothers toddler to attend in this instance. If not you need to do your prep r crèche availability etc.
We're not "expecting" our guests to do anything other than let us say our vows in peace, should they want to attend our wedding. People are missing the point that we're insisting no one has to be there! My question is is it unreasonable to allow children (which we are both adamant we don't want) just because it's not the UK!
DP is more firm than I am about the no kids rule....and his family are the only ones with kids
If the two year old is welcome at the reception then it's one hour or so of being with a nanny. Only the most precious are going to have an issue with this. A lot of the hotels in Mexico have little chapels on the beach. If it's that kind of set up then there is no reason the two year old plus nanny can't potter on the beach just outside the chapel. The two year old will be far happier and so will everyone. It's a non-issue for only an hour.
I don't see why children are an issue at a wedding even if they make noise. It's not a solemn occasion. Laugh, grin and shrug it off. The idea of getting married abroad seems daft to me generally though, When we got married we wanted as many people present as possible from our lives (admittedly spanning about 5 countries!). Each to their own but if you are going to ask people to fly expecting them to dump the kids is probably a bit much.
How many of your guests have children so will be affected? I see your point and it's your choice to make as long as you are prepared for many not to go and using this excuse.
I personally wouldn't leave my children in hotel childcare for anyone's wedding.
The whole thing just sounds so silly. Go and elope abroad. Come back and have a party in the UK. It's one thing having it in Spain, 2 hours away, but 7 or 8 hours time difference away and inviting 100 guests? Get read.
'If the two year old is welcome at the reception then it's one hour or so of being with a nanny. Only the most precious are going to have an issue with this.'
Seriously? I've been to Mexico many times as my dad's family is from there. I wouldn't leave my kids with the hotel nanny that I didn't know at that age. But then, I wouldn't go to this type of silly wedding at all, either. So yeah, expect your 'D'P's brother to fall out with him because the pair of you are quite silly.
I don't understand your plans at all. How can you send invitations without a venue? How can. You book a venue with no idea how many people are coming? I'd be amazed if more than a third of the people you invite come to Mexico. Have you done a preliminary assessment of how many of your potential guests would really come?
It doesn't sound like you thought this through, without even getting into the idea of forcing people to use foreign childcare.
You can request anything you like for your wedding.
Whether you have any guests is another matter.
Maybe you should get married in Maui instead.
Step back and look at this without concentrating on BIL for a moment.
He won't be the only one thinking ''bloody hell all those miles, time off work, and all that money to support ruby and fiance on their big day and see them married but they don't want our kids there!''. Trust me it wont just be BIL having face.
You want to get married in Mexico without kids about.
You aren't particularly bothered who joins you and who doesn't.
Some of the family will find it difficult to do that.
Some friends have said they'd want to come.
What's the answer?
Well - i'd tell family (especially all the ones with the kids) that you're having a tiny wedding in Mexico with just a couple of (childless) friends who will find it easy to join you and that there'll be a big do later for everyone when you're home. Don't invite the 100 people.
You cannot expect people to travel that far and then dump their kids with a stranger, especially a toddler who is so young and may get distressed being left (as mine does).
You shouldn't even ask this of them. It's so rude.
expat what's silly about it? We'd rather invite and be turned down than not invite and have people think we don't want them there.
We are having a party when we come back....
I think the issue is that the op has not confirmed that the hotel does have nannies or crèches available. This is something that the op absolutely must check is available if she wants fsmily not to bring the kids to the actual ceremony. The mega resorts with 3000 hotel rooms doing 10 weddings per day probably do but not everyone wants that .
Mexico is ver,y popular with Americans for weddings but I haven't ever seen fsmily groups bigger than about 60-80 people even though USA is a 3 hour flight away. Most are about 40 people. Tend to be young people's type events, no kids no oldies. Like an extended hen/stag. But very lovely all the same if you don't mind quite a public event. Yes most have chapels but then you could be anywhere, under palm trees on the beach is nicer. You can get a chapel in any uk town.
Well - I've been to a wedding like this and it was lovely. Not in Mexico, the Caribbean, but same deal - no kids at actual ceremony, but invited to reception, so the couple paid for a couple of nannies from the (very smart) hotel to play with the 5-6 young kids (including our 2) that were there, aged from about 1-6. Worked fine. Wedding was attended by about 40ish people.
However, most of the attendees were wealthy enough that this wasn't their only holiday for the year, and all of the children had some experience of childcare before. So it wasn't a huge sacrifice to be there and most of us made it into a week's holiday together.
I think you need to do more research on the kids club before you know if you can rely on it. Some won't take kids that aren't fully potty trained for example, or have a minimum age.
If you can guarantee (and pay for if not free) kids club spaces for every wedding guest who has kids then it's not unreasonable for the kids to be entertained elsewhere for the 45 minutes of ceremony.
If you genuinely want to be clear that families are welcome, add a family friendly entertainment to the reception events once the kids are allowed to rejoin their parents.
But I think it's weird to invite 100 people to a transatlantic wedding. You are asking people to decide whether they want to spend £5000+ on being at your wedding. That's only really appropriate for really close family. Yes you might get a handful of people out of the 100 who decide that they would like a holiday in Mexico and choose to come. You then have a weird dynamic where the guests are 10 of your nearest and dearest closest people, and 4 people who are probably (if you put all invitees in order of how close you are to them) about number 87-91 in how close you are, with numbers 11-86 unable to be there.
Why don't you see if you can find out if there's any suitable child care before sending out the invitations? If there are only a couple of kids it may well be possible to accommodate them. You are the one asking something quite tricky, so while you don't need to arrange it all now, it would be friendly and polite for you/DP to have a quick look at the options.
Otherwise you could easily be seen as deliberately excluding certain people from your wedding.
sorry but having your wedding at some flash destination is a bit silly in itself.
Why should people fly to some weird foreign country to see you get married? honestly? it just seems really egotistical.
I wouldnt bring my baby to some hot mosquito ridden country to leave them with a random hotel nanny, and expecting people to do this is just.....well there are no words tbh.
And why would you put your friends and relatives to such expense? Are you trying to weed out the less well off ones?
I'm all for weddings abroad and all for childfree ceremonies but I don't think you can have both.
You can't expect a family to fly to Mexico to attend your wedding but exclude their DC. Remember not only the financial cost but they'll be using annual leave and possibly their main holiday.
You're essentially having two weddings.
I suppose the sweetener would be if you and DF were paying for everyone's flight and accommodation.
It's entirely up to you whether you want children at your wedding or not, of course. But be prepared for many guests with children to say "sod that, I'd love to see RubyRed and her fiance get married and I'd even be willing to take leave from work and spend thousands of pounds on it, but if I have to park my kids somewhere else for an hour or two then thanks but no thanks".
Also many hotel chains only take children from aged 4, and only open for a few hours a day. Eg 10-12 then 4-6. What are your guests supposed to do with their young children if you're getting married at 2?
'Maybe you should get married in Maui instead'
Only the most precious are going to have an issue with this
I must be really precious then because there's no way in hell I would fly off to a country with one of the highest kidnap rates in the world to leave my child with a stranger.
OP, if it was me I and we wanted to come to Mexico, either me or the OH would stay in the hotel with the kid/s during the ceremony. Wedding ceremonies are pretty boring anyway so I'd happily skip it and then come to the reception.
Having said that, I'm pretty chilled and it sounds like your OH's family are the kind to make a fuss over things, so... sorry about that. Sucks for you I guess.
Your wedding, your choice, but people will be understandably marked about paying for their child to come with them, but being banished to kids club.
Ruby I'm just saying that there are a lot of factors to consider with inviting so many people and with having a wedding abroad (I say this as someone who got married abroad). What if your closest friends/family can't come, but less close people can? How would you/close family feel about that?
We went round in circles about who to invite and went with just our parents in the end (both only children), which put a few noses out of joint but we made up for it by having a large celebration when we got back.
Ultimately you have to make the most important part, ie the ceremony, special to you and worrying about guests and childcare could detract from the day, so why not just go it alone (or with a much more restricted guest list)? Just a suggestion.
I've been to a large destination wedding but it was very informal, which suited the couple down to the ground (they had their own four children there). Think shorts, t shirts, trainers, kids milling around everywhere - as a bride it would've been my nightmare but they loved it and it was what they wanted.
Some things to think about. Have the wedding early in the holiday so everyone isnt red and sunburned in the pictures. Think carefully about the dress code and how to word in invites. Check the weather for the time of year carefully, especially things like hurricane season. How are you going to transport gifts home? Might be worth asking people to wait for UK celebration.
Sorry, that was ridiculously long!
You asked if you are being unreasonable - you have been told you are. It doesn't matter that you don't 'expect' their attendance (as if you could!). You should be massively grateful that people are prepared to travel so far and at such expense for you, because you want a destination wedding and you should stop pretending this is all for them and a matter of no concern to you. If that is the case and you genuinely don't care whether they come or not, please tell them so they can opt out rather than thinking they are going because you would like them to be there. You are coming across as completely ungrateful and a bit of a bitch, if I am honest.
Asking someone to put their 2yo in a kids club in Mexico?
Sorry but even though my dc are now much older, at 2yo they hadn't even started nursery and hell would have frozen over before I put them in a kids club in a different country with complete strangers. I think if you are referring to your nieces/nephews then yabvu.
As an aside lots of kids clubs abroad only take kids from 3yo so watch out for that.
I would be delighted to attend the ceremony knowing I could relax and enjoy it without trying to keep DC quiet. However,mint needs to be your responsibility to ensure there is childcare arranged for those who chose to come. If you are spending so much then organising a few nannies for a few hours ( less, depending on numbers and ages of the DC?) is surely doable?
It all sounds a wee bit bonkers but I'm older and when we had young DC we would have been utterly baffled to be asked to attend a wedding in Mexico
or Maui. Surely most people simply cannot afford it and therefore it does slightly say, 'we don't mind if you are there or not.' That's fine for non close friends but not siblings IMO.
You put it so much better, Brat. Spot on.
I'm genuinely puzzled about the amount of people who are criticising the fact that the wedding is another country and people are actually invited. They may go, they may not. It's their choice, just like it's the OPs choice where and how she gets married. She's not saying that she's going to throw a massive strop if people decline the invitations.
2 sets of guests have children. Both of which will scream the house down. Neither of which will take their child away from the situation if screaming occurs because they will want to watch their DB say his vows.
So are people suggesting we don't invite them? Because that is far ruder IMO. My (baby free) family will be there, DPs parents will be there but BILs miss an invite entirely because of their DC?
I cannot express this enough...we don't mind if we're on our own. People have said they'll be upset if we assume they don't want to come due to the distance, we want to give them the choice.
Yes we've looked at wedding plans - we'll book for us and upgrade as necessary, the hotel are fine with this within a set time period.
No we have not looked at creches as we are just in the discussion phase of this bit, I thought MNetters would have helpful opinions, which bar the "a destination wedding is silly" ... you do have, so thank you
On our order of service we said something along the lines that whilst we love kids we'd also like everyone to be able to hear the ceremony so if any started crying/playing up please could they pop out. Don't think anyone got offended & one or two did exactly as we'd asked.
Right thread this time!
We were in Mexico fairly recently and there were a few weddings held in the hotel we were in. They certainly aren't private, everyone turns up for a gawk. They were all held outside and there was noise/music from the pool areas, children shrieking, having fun. Personally it would be my idea of hell.
I can't imagine a lot of the 100 you have invited will accept. 10 hour flight and it's not a cheap holiday if you choose a high end hotel.
YABU to say no children.
I suppose you could get married out of school holidays then the parents with DC couldn't come anyway
Will the 2 year old in question have siblings or close cousins that'll be in the crèche with them?
There's no way my 2 year old would be left with strangers without being extremely distressed. I'm not precious- it's just her personality.
However she has two older siblings plus cousins on both sides. Assuming they'd all be there together then it'd not be that much of a problem for her.
Most of your 100 potential guests will probably be secretly relieved not to be invited, I know I would. I would not be using my annual leave and a big chunk of my annual income to go to a far-flung foreign country on somebody else's terms.
Is a wedding really spoiled by a crying child? It's only a wedding ceremony, your husband-to-be sounds very precious.
I don't see why children are an issue at a wedding even if they make noise.
There is a difference between making a bit of noise and screaming the place down so no one near them can actually hear anything.
yes looking at you dear cousin
As long as you upfront about this i dont see an issue. Its an invitation so if not liked the invitation can be turned down. Your wedding your rules.
Oh and just to add (years ago), my dd was 18 months old when my brother and sil got married. I said to them that she was a chatterbox (they knew this obv) and I would be happy to stand outside the room with her whilst they said their vows as it would actually be impossible to keep her quiet. They said they wouldn't dream of it and it didn't matter if she spoke during the ceremony. She did speak during the ceremony. She said "nice day nice day nice day". Nobody minded and in fact the occasion was lovely. I apologised to them anyway and they said that they did not even hear her say these words, despite being a few feet away.
Do you really know 100 people with enough money to pay to go to Mexico for your wedding or are you expecting that to be their only family holiday? I have a 2 year old and even though she goes to childcare in the UK there is no way I would leave her in a crèche or with a nanny in Mexico. Not a chance in hell. We went to Mexico a few years back and it was lovely but the nice hotels are not cheap at all, you're asking a lot from your guests.
If you want to have a wedding ceremony attended by your wealthiest, childless friends only, then YANBU
I don't get it though, not at all. Why do you need to get married in Mexico? Call me old-fashioned, but couldn't you get married where your closest friends and family are (kids or no kids, I'd always have the kids there for light relief but what ev's) then go on honeymoon to Mexico?.
And if you must get married in Mexico because its, like, so significant to you or something, wouldn't you be prepared to have the children of those (presumably relatives or dearest mates) prepared to travel across the world at vast expense, there with you? Why on earth not?
Peace and love etc but I diagnose a massive case of bridezilla.
It's your wedding and up to you how you do it. Just when you send the invitations make it very clear what is involved and what the options are. It's up to each family whether they decide to go or not, and whether they are happy with the childcare options.
I got married in Spain (DH is part Spanish) and we invited friends, family and children. In the end no-one brought children. Some parents came for either the weekend or just the night of the wedding - obviously not possible in Mexico. We invited 100 too and ended up with 65 which was great.
I also have friends who got married down under. We knew straight away we wouldn't go as it was expensive & we didn't want to use all our holiday for the year doing that, but quite a few of our friends went. They had a party at home too which we went to & didn't feel left out.
So long as you don't mind less people coming, go for it.
" massive case of bridezilla."
...oh, it's not your rellies, it's your DF's
that explains a lot
OP, not sure why you're getting a kicking here.
It's your wedding day, you are entitled to have it the way you want. You understand not everyone will be able to make it.
Your BIL sounds like he's quite happy to let his screaming child overshadow peoples' events, and your DP is keen on not allowing him to do the same on your wedding day.
I would not take my 2 year old to Mexico anyway so that would solve the problem for me. Loads of reasons why from safety, standard of healthcare, needing vaccinations, long-haul flight etc.
However, I couldn't get exercised about leaving my child for an hour (and probably a lot less, our ceremony took about 10 minutes) with well-qualified childcare.
I attempted a childfree wedding at home not abroad. No one cared about our request because on the day people just bought their children anyway we ended up with 12 kids, with a ceremony venue with restricted seating and a sit down meal finding seats for 12 extras was difficult and stressful.
I am now trying to think which hotels have crèches for two year olds in Mexico but I can only think of the mega cancun style resorts with thousands of guests and personally much as I love Mexico they wouldn't be my choice to get married at, conveyer belt springs to mind.
Just be absolutely sure that the crèches do take toddlers, "kids club" normally means age 4+.
There is nothing wrong with sounding out wedding ideas it's how you rule things in and out. You are not doing anything rude or unacceptability as long as you are sure that there are options for the toddlers.
I would say if you are inviting 100 people, be sure that all of them are people you would want even if nobody else was there. You don't want the wedding to be you, your dhs cousins and 2 work colleagues. Awkward.
This may be irrelevant, but if I had any intention of having babies in the next couple of years, I would be avoiding South America completely because of the Zika virus and all the unknowns there. So it may be that family members with small children who are considering having another will not want to attend anyway.
I wouldn't leave my children with someone I didn't know, including a Mexican nanny. But I would come along and look after the kids outside while my husband watched his brother get married. I wouldn't be massively impressed, but I'd suck it up.
If you're going to do this, then it's absolutely your responsibility to organise and pay for suitable qualified childcare.
And I think you're being wildly naive if you think it will be quiet - your own family children will be squirreled away with a nanny, but what are you going to do about the other hotel guests? Or are you booking on a sole-use basis?
Frankly I wouldn't be impressed to travel halfway across the world to see my sibling marry and not be allowed to bring children, especially if the ceremony was then disturbed by the noise from general hotel life anyway.
Oh yes zika that could be an issue for you and your guests.
Mauritius is lovely for weddings and similar price to Mexico but much longer journey.
Just checked and Mexico not safe from Zika. OP if you were considering starting a family in the next couple of years, you might want to do a little research to check safety.
Hey OP another thing to mention - and I'm sure you've looked into it - is a lot of destination venues that are also hotels/resorts won't give you absolute privacy, depending on where you actually say your vows. So if it's on the beach for example, you might find there are a random tourists with screaming children a little further along the sand.
Same for in the hotel - this could have been bad experiences, but I've been to two destination weddings and there were other guests milling about quite close to the ceremony (not inside obviously) so if noise is really important to you, do make sure you check this kind of thing with the venue you choose. Obviously if you do have 100 guests or even 50 you are quite likely to take up more space, therefore have more 'private' space for you and your guests.
On another note, I don't think you're being unreasonable, maybe slightly unrealistic in terms of planning - as long as you're prepared to have a bit of fall out (I had plenty at my wedding and that was a local, UK based child free wedding!) and a small guestlist, it's your wedding, do as you wish.
While I get the point about it's an invitation not an expectation, I don't get the whole getting married abroad thing to be honest. When planning my wedding, one of my main objectives was to have as many of the people I love and who love me all together to celebrate. In order to do this I considered distance and accommodation options for the people I wanted to attend. Having it abroad when this would exclude people who can't afford it, or not allowing kids, potentially meaning some people will not be able to come as a result would therefore seem counter-productive.
If you aren't bothered about having people there then why invite them at all? As others have said, why not have a small wedding abroad with no guests, and then a big party at home.
Apart from the fact I couldn't afford to go abroad for a wedding, I absolutely wouldn't pay a fortune to take my kids with me to go to an event they can't attend.
And I'm with Engineersthumb in saying I don't understand what the problem is with kids in a ceremony. It is a supposed to be a happy celebration occasion not some kind of perfect performance conducted in silence. I love kids at weddings. I would be very surprised if anyone allowed a young child to scream its head off through a ceremony, so if that happened, the most that is likely is a brief moment before the parent either managed to shush the kid/shove a dummy or boob in it's mouth, or take it outside.
The decision to have a destination wedding is fine. The decision to have a child free wedding is fine. However, somewhere along the way all these reasonable decisions have accumulated and nudged you and your DP over the edge into full-blown zilladom.
If you don't care if any of your 100 guests attend your ceremony (you've said you don't care if you are on your own), why ask any of them to sacrifice thousands of pounds and precious annual leave to travel to the other side of the world for a ceremony where their children aren't welcome and you aren't that bothered about then being there.
Your guests will stress and worry about your invitation, finding the time and money, making the flight, letting you down. Do them a favour and rethink your plan.
And if I were the BIL, I would desperately want to see my brother get married and might even be persuaded to part with a week of annual leave and a few thousand pounds to do it. But I would be very upset to be told it was 'entirely up to me' whether I came or not, my brother wasn't bothered either way, and I was expected to put my toddler in as-yet-unidentifiable childcare just in case he or she cried during the ceremony. Really horrible way to treat family.
Thank you for all the suggestions of sounding out childcare, much appreciated and will definitely do so.
Also about the zika virus, no intention of having kids any time soon for us, but again we totally accept this could be a factor for others and would encourage people to seriously consider it before travelling, yep.
Yes we have fully vetted the guest list in terms of "if I put you on a plane with 7 people for a week in Mexico, would you not want any of the following on the plane" ... all of the guests we'd be fine with having a holiday with.
For those saying were U for even inviting people to such a destination, is your solution to hand pick those we "think" could afford it and avoid inviting those we assume could not? And just sending them a UK invite? (Genuine question)
I'd much prefer to be invited and take this decision ourselves than to be told we weren't coming because of our DC. That said, she's pretty reliable at being quiet when occupied, and we are always prepared.
We would probably turn this into our main holiday and invite a grandparent along for the hour-long childcare break. But we do often travel with our family, so it wouldn't be unusual for us to do that.
However, I'm not done making babies, so I wouldn't go to Mexico, or any other Zika areas until I was.
I have just got back from a close relative's wedding a very, very long way away. It was stressful and expensive. Although I could have not gone the pressure on my family from other family members to go caused its own issues.
As the bride and groom you might not see why people are kicking up a fuss at you getting married abroad, but the fact that people are means that you are not seeing all possible aspects. By contrast lacing the onus on he guests to decide whether you are important enough to them to try and make the journey you are opening up a massive fan of worms. Imo it is more selfish to place this level of pressure on your loved ones than it is to say you are having a small wedding abroad just yourselves, no invitees and then having a big reception party when you get back. And that is before you throw in a no children clause.
If you really want to get married abroad go ahead and do it. But don't alienate your immediate relatives by excluding key members of their family and expecting them to bear the cost of it.
I think the problem here is that essentially what you are doing is an extremely selfish thing, but you want a way to come out of it without looking selfish.
I don't mean this harshly as it's your choice, but you have to own it if you're going to do this. You have to say 'We're doing this because it's about us and we care more about that than about any of you being there or being unhappy'.
You want to get married thousands of mile away in another country. That matters more to you than getting married where more of your family and friends can attend. Your choice but a selfish one as you're considering yourselves not other people. You don't want children at your wedding. Again, selfish. People can argue it's your right and it's your day etc but whether you think it is ok to be selfish or not, that's what it is!
People who have made the huge effort, expense and inconvenience of joining you on your wedding day are going to be told that half their family isn't welcome at the ceremony after all that. They have every right to think that you are selfish and inconsiderate. You don't get to get out of that by saying it's 'their choice' to come.
Basically what you are saying is 'We care more about getting married abroad than having you at the wedding, if YOU CHOOSE to come (we don't care either way) then you may not bring your children, and if that means you can't come even though otherwise you'd like to, or that you have to do something you feel uncomfortable with, we don't care about that either. We care most of all about ourselves.
I wouldn't consider going to your wedding and I think you can reasonably expect your BIL to be very sad that you're effectively shutting him out of his brother's wedding and starting your marriage by making it clear you don't value your new niece's/nephews very much.
When my DC was little and the vicar asked the usual ''Does anyone have any reasons this couple can't get married ect''.....My then 3yr old screamed ''No!!''......Everyone thought it was hilarious. Anyway. People who travel with kids, will obviously see themselves as the wedding party. Personally, I would find it massively rude to exclude the children. LET'S BE HONEST. Most of us find the ceremony dull. The majority of the congregation can't hear a bloody word, and the only clue it's all over is when the bride and groom kiss. Have a box of toys for the kids or something. It's going to be a big expense for those that choose to go without having guests fretting over childcare in a different country!
Given the Zika, the expense, the lack of certainty of the childcare, I wouldn't go anyway, and I would assume that my brother wasn't that fussed if he planned a wedding which was so contrary to the needs of our family and other relatives. Older relatives- it's such a long way to go, anyone of childbearing age- Zika, people will try to find the money and feel guilty if they can't, if anyone gets pregnant they will cancel and lose a lot of money if they don't come. It just sounds incredibly stressful and not fun.
I don't think yabu at all! It's your wedding and I think you are free to invite exactly who you please.
We had children at our wedding, but that was our choice. There weren't that many, they were all beautifully behaved and they made the dance floor a lot more fun! It helped a lot that our wedding was in a hotel as well, as little ones could be taken up to their hotel rooms easily when they got tired. There were lots of people able to babysit (not strangers - relatives of the children).
That said, I wouldn't want to attend the wedding you describe personally, even if you were related to me, but, as you say it's only an invite, not a summons.
Would a small part of me think you were being a little bit extravagant having a wedding somewhere 10 hours from home and expecting people to cough up for the journey? Maybe a teensy bit (sorry). I wouldn't hold it against anyone, but if I'm totally honest, when I get an invite to a destination wedding like this, especially from someone I don't know very well, I think it's a bit much. I admit I'm a humbug about this though. We had a wedding which was as fuss free as possible - just wanted DH and I to get married and have fun with people we loved. A church ceremony, nice food, decent music and our family being able to be there were pretty much our only criteria.
waves to Daily Mail readers
So the extent of this problem is your DPs two siblings?
Why not have an actual conversation with them, discussing what would suit you all? Are you sure they're up for the
imaginary Mexico trip to begin with?
Two phone calls resolves this.
If you want a childfree wedding in mexico have at it. At least own your decision rather than blaming toddlers for making noise though.
I'd personally be a bit upset to get an invitation to a wedding like this as it would be obvious from destination, cost, possibly dates if term time, no dc at service that you didn't really want me and mine to come but felt obliged to invite me anyway.
Oh and also agree with pps re older / pregnant guests in heat (not to mention Zika). We went to a wedding a while back in a hot country and it was imo dangerously hot with not enough shade. It was a beautiful spot for a wedding but some of the elderly guests and one pregnant guest were really suffering. If it's possible to have plenty of shade or an area with air con that would make a big difference.
My solution to choosing who to invite would be to assume that we (the couple) would be paying for every guests flights and accommodation. I would only invite those I genuinely needed at my wedding and I would only invite as many as I could afford. Now...it may turn out that nearest and dearest would insist on paying their own way but I wouldn't assume.
I would feel a bit sick and selfish to expect so many other people to sacrifice so much time, money and effort to attend my wedding.
My friend has just come back from Mexico and she said the weddings at her hotel were visible from (and within ear shot) of the pool. She actually went and watched one and ended up in the wedding photos! So when you are booking - ask where they hold the ceremony as you might end up with background noise from the other hotel guests and kids anyway.
I know you are saying op you don't care if nobody can make it and that it's an invitation not a choice, but have you ever thought that you're making it unfeasible for people who do want to come. Seems like a lot of hurdles for someone to jump through, and they probably do want to see you get married and share your day. Especially your dp's brother!
Another thread I'm hoping isn't real - OP, you sound so self-absorbed! No way would I leave my child with a stranger, even dressed up as a childcare setting! Are you paying for close family to attend or do you expect them to spend thousands on your wedding keeping the cost to yourself low?
I actually can't believe you hadn't looked into the childcare situation before writing this post
Not only do you not care whether they go or not, not only do you not mind them shelling out the cost of their choice of family holiday to see you get married (but nothing to do with you, of course), but you couldn't be arsed finding out whether your plan would actually work for any of these people. Have you realised that these will be your family shortly? Does your DP share your - frankly quite ugly - attitude to his relatives and their happiness? Honestly, you would be told quite plainly to sod off if I was him.
Thanks for everyones responses. Nothing has been set in stone, far from it. Was purely sounding out an idea, which clearly has not been very well received, but I appreciate the responses.
Neither of us are trying to pin it on guests, or come out of anything smelling like roses. Weddings are hard things to get right - "It's your day, do what you want" will inevitably lead to people being hurt and upset as our parents would be devastated if we went off on our own. I apologise if i/we have offended anyone with our ideas as obviously the very last thing we want to do is cause massive rifts but equally we are aware that we'd like this to be a "once in a lifetime" thing :/
I wouldnt come if I was your brother, and as it was made so hard for me I wouldnt buy you a gift either - invites are a choice as are family cooperation and gifts. Why not just go on holiday to mexico if you want to go there so much?
Your wedding, your choice.
We got married without kids invited to ours - but we only had 45 guests, it was in London, at a room above a pub for the reception and registry office beforehand, so would have been difficult as no place for kids to move about and play. It was winter too.
Not a single guest minded, but then we didn't ask them to go all the way to Mexico. Mostly our guests with kids left them with grandparents for one evening.
I wouldn't want to leave my kids in any kids club I know nothing about, especially if I'd made the effort (and spent a lot of money) travelling halfway around the world to see you get married.
Sorry, but I think YABU.
Destination weddings are a thing I cannot get my head round and never will. As a pp said, they are more or less all absurd.
Have you honestly got 100 people who are close enough to you to make the effort to fly to fecking Mexico for a day???
I would snort if I received such an invitation. If it were from a member of my close family and I felt obliged to go I would be seething.
Once in a lifetime experiences are lovely, but you don't have to drag an audience halfway round the world to watch you have your 'once on a lifetime' experience. Unless you are offering to pay of course !
A lot of people have once in a lifetime holidays for their honeymoon - that way nobody else 'has to' join in.
You say you don't expect people to come, but don't you think that close family may feel obligated to try to get there? And it is those very guests who may feel obligated, your DP's siblings, whose children you want to exclude. You sound massively selfish to me, but then I can't imagine putting my loved ones in a position where they have to spend thousands of pounds if they want to see me get married.
If my brother ran off to Las Vegas or indeed Mexico and got married and then came home, I'd attend the party! I don't think there's anything wrong with marrying abroad, but trying to vaguely have the big wedding you would have had in the UK, there seems to put a lot of pressure on everyone, despite saying 'it's not a summons'. People do feel bad if they can't go, even if the request is a bit unrealistic. I wouldn't feel bad though, as I think it would be obvious from knowledge of our life that we couldn't afford to holiday in Mexico anyway, so I don't think anyone would expect us to go!
In some ways, the shamelessness of the request: Mexico, no kids, Zika, would make it easier for me.
If it were in Spain, just a few days, kids could come, I'd be more tempted to come even though weddings like this can cost a lot. I was going to go to one (which got cancelled) and it was already over £1000 for just one person, as the place wasn't near an airport and there were few places to stay in the charming but v expensive village miles from anywhere.
It all just sounds rather stressful, badly thought out and difficult to pull off OP. If it's your dream it's your dream, but it sounds like you'll have a lot on your plate. Only you know whether it'd be worth it.
In answer to the question in your post, yes YABU to presume people will be happy to leave their 2 year olds with strangers in a country they don't know. My youngest isn't quite 2, but I'd simply not countenance it with her. She's never yet been cared for outside the family, would be upset to be left and I'd not be instituting that because somebody didn't want her at a wedding. If we were given this sort of invite even by a close family member, we probably wouldn't go anyway due to cost and zika, but if we did you'd effectively be asking one of us to shell out thousands to travel over for a ceremony we'd be missing while we did childcare. And for those people who would be ok with the nanny/holiday club (and I should say I have also had a 2 year old in childcare before, so am not opposed on principle) you still need to, at a minimum, do a lot of research about the options. Nothing you have said here suggests you have any awareness of what's available, the cost or the setup in general. People will need that information before deciding.
You can, of course, have what you want for your wedding. Or rather, attempt to have it, because from what people are saying, you're not going to be able to avoid the risk of kids entirely unless you book out the entire place. But equally, people you invite are entitled to an opinion about that. You do run the risk of the family members with kids thinking you're not that arsed about them being there.
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