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No children at destination wedding

(541 Posts)
RubyRed6878 Mon 07-Nov-16 08:55:35

Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club

TeenAndTween Mon 07-Nov-16 08:59:54

You need to just be totally clear on invitations that no children at the ceremony means that, and even if that means you end up with no guests, that is your preference.

I have no idea though why you are inviting 100 guests to a destination wedding. I've always thought that if you want lots of guests you have your wedding somewhere sensible. You seem to be trying to have your cake and eat it.

AssembleTheMinions Mon 07-Nov-16 09:00:42

Do you know for certain that the hotel kids club takes children as young as 2? ( Not many do without a parent staying).

Not a hope in hell I would leave my 2 year old there tbh. An older child possibly (although I would be far from happy)

PonkAlert Mon 07-Nov-16 09:01:36

I wouldn't invite anyone to Mexico and just have the UK celebration when you get back. Then your wedding is just about you and definitely won't be ruined by screaming kids, family politics, people having "funny turns" in the heat etc. You'd get the best of both worlds.

There is no way I'd make my two year old endure a long haul flight to be ditched with strangers on the other side of the world whilst I attended your ceremony.

expatinscotland Mon 07-Nov-16 09:02:22

Sorry, but I think 'destination weddings' are just every shade of ridiculous. I can see getting married abroad with just family around, it's elopement, really, but some big production 7000 miles away? Nah. Does the kid's club cost, too? Many won't take children under 3/not potty-trained.

Leanback Mon 07-Nov-16 09:02:47

Yanbu to want this however I don't think your guests would be unreasonable to be a bit cheesed off with this arrangement.

NataliaOsipova Mon 07-Nov-16 09:05:14

Is your BIL the type who would agree to sit at the back with the 2 year old and dash for the door at the first sign of any noise? If so, that could be your best compromise?

(That said, a good friend did this. Her BIL spent almost the entire ceremony playing outside with his sons (bride's much loved nephews) - no problem. What was a problem, though, was that her awful now SIL sat there with her child and letting her scream throughout the whole ceremony. So it only works if you're absolutely sure of cooperation!)

LuckySantangelo1 Mon 07-Nov-16 09:05:24

Bonkers. You can't invite people to Mexico and then say 'no kids'. Way out of order & I say that as someone who had a child free wedding.

user1471530691 Mon 07-Nov-16 09:06:11

My friend had a destination wedding, I left my two year old at home with family. As did my friends, all of whom had children ranging from one to four years old. There was no issue there at all, and I actually preferred the break personally, although not everyone feels like that.

However, she did have family children at the wedding, so I would be prepared for a bit of pushback. Not that you need to pay any attention, mind you, but just be aware it could happen.

Also, I wasn't aware there were rules about the number of guests at destination weddings - any time I've been to one it's had around 100 guests and there's been four in the past few years.

RubyRed6878 Mon 07-Nov-16 09:06:22

We're inviting all the guests who we'd want in the UK to be in Mexico too. Our thought process is why would we not invite them just because it's elsewhere? Which is also why we're emphasising no expectation at all, if it ends up just being the two of us, we're fine with that. But close friends have expressed they'd be disappointed if we assumed that they wouldn't want to come because of the distance. Inviting everyone gives them the choice, that's all.

So ponk are you saying you just wouldn't go at all? Again, we don't mind if they don't come, we'd totally understand and there would be no hard feelings on our part but we think they would be quite stroppy about it and make a big deal about not coming

Iloveswears Mon 07-Nov-16 09:06:46

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You want Mexico and no kids, that's your prerogative.

But..... I wouldn't go to Mexico and leave my kids with randoms. Some will, many won't. Only you know your friends and family well enough to know what they'll think of it?

tootiredtothinkofaclevername Mon 07-Nov-16 09:06:57

Most 4 or 5* hotels will offer a nanny service that will cost a bit extra. I'd offer to pay the nanny charge for the DBs child and speak about it on the phone before the invites go out so they understand what you are offering etc. It lessens the chance for offence if you have the conversation first. I don't see a problem with a 2 year old being left with a vetted hotel nanny pottering somewhere on the beach nearby for an hour.

We have used hotel nannies at several different hotels when DC were toddlers and all were fine and DC enjoyed themselves and we enjoyed the peace of an hour or two alone.

ChicRock Mon 07-Nov-16 09:07:24

I don't think there'll be many people who will fly their kids out to Mexico for your wedding to then leave them in a holiday club while they attend your ceremony.

And you know this.

So what you're really saying to your BIL is "we're not arsed whether you're there or not".

But, your wedding, your choice.

TreehouseTales Mon 07-Nov-16 09:07:34

Hmm. I think you may cause a rift with dps brother. I certainly wouldn't fly across the world to something my kids couldn't come to.

How does your dp feel about it? Does he definitely not want his nephew there? Could you be childfree apart from immediate family? Or maybe just get married abroad yourself and have the big celebration at home.

And seriously 100 people to another country?!

Aworldofmyown Mon 07-Nov-16 09:07:49

YABU.

I think it's utterly unreasonable to insist on a child free wedding when people are thousands of miles away from their regular childcare. A child free wedding when you might be able to leave your kid with someone they know or with a professional of your choice is one thing but where the only choice is a hotel kids club...no.

Every hotel kids club I've come across also asks where you are going to be and for contact numbers so they can call you if the child isn't happy, and they have no hesitation in calling and coming to find you if your child is crying. So you might well get a different type of child related ceremony interruption.

Oysterbabe Mon 07-Nov-16 09:08:21

I think yabu. Why not just ask him nicely to take the child out if it starts kicking off during the ceremony? Child free wedding in the UK? Fine. Dragging people halfway across the world and also snubbing their kids? It's too much.
At the very least you need to first check the kids club would be suitable and pay for it.

LineyReborn Mon 07-Nov-16 09:09:03

I wouldn't put a two year old in a kids club in an unfamiliar place, no, not without my being present myself.

Personally I don't think the No Children rule at destination weddings is resolvable. Someone will be pissed off.

RubyRed6878 Mon 07-Nov-16 09:09:21

Natalia the family have previous form for letting their DD sit and scream, claiming "some people don't mind". Hence the nerves about potentially saying "have her there but at the back" ... their perception of her noise is completely different to ours!

Trifleorbust Mon 07-Nov-16 09:10:02

You are expecting your guests to rely on childcare thousands of miles away, when they have no idea of the reliability of said childcare. This is when they have travelled a huge distance to be at your wedding and paid out their family holiday budget for the year, I assume, for that dubious privilege. YABVVU. Have my first 'Are you on glue?'

Alanna1 Mon 07-Nov-16 09:13:00

My personal view is that you're overthinking it - I had children at my wedding but not at the reception after 6.

But if you want to do this, & it's your wedding, I think you have to discuss it in person and explain why it's so important to you etc.

mouldycheesefan Mon 07-Nov-16 09:13:44

We have been to Mexico several times with our children. However most hotel kids clubs start age 4. Have you checked that there is a cr che for two year olds at the hotel where you are getting married and that it is open at the time of the ceremony e.g quite a few Mexico weddings to be early evening as it is very hot in the day, crèchesdches creches may not still be open then. Having seen plenty of weddings taking place at hotels in Mexico, they tend to be very visible to other guests so although your own guests may put their two year olds in a crèche, there is nothing to say that you may not hear other shouty toddlers in the background.
It is going to cost a lot to host 100 guests at a top hotel for. Wedding reception, lots of add ons like light up dance floors on the beach etc.
Personally I would allow my brothers toddler to attend in this instance. If not you need to do your prep r crèche availability etc.

RubyRed6878 Mon 07-Nov-16 09:14:10

We're not "expecting" our guests to do anything other than let us say our vows in peace, should they want to attend our wedding. People are missing the point that we're insisting no one has to be there! My question is is it unreasonable to allow children (which we are both adamant we don't want) just because it's not the UK!

DP is more firm than I am about the no kids rule....and his family are the only ones with kids

tootiredtothinkofaclevername Mon 07-Nov-16 09:14:10

If the two year old is welcome at the reception then it's one hour or so of being with a nanny. Only the most precious are going to have an issue with this. A lot of the hotels in Mexico have little chapels on the beach. If it's that kind of set up then there is no reason the two year old plus nanny can't potter on the beach just outside the chapel. The two year old will be far happier and so will everyone. It's a non-issue for only an hour.

engineersthumb Mon 07-Nov-16 09:14:11

I don't see why children are an issue at a wedding even if they make noise. It's not a solemn occasion. Laugh, grin and shrug it off. The idea of getting married abroad seems daft to me generally though, When we got married we wanted as many people present as possible from our lives (admittedly spanning about 5 countries!). Each to their own but if you are going to ask people to fly expecting them to dump the kids is probably a bit much.

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