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Am I in the wrong?

(51 Posts)
Dodohsppy Sun 06-Nov-16 23:29:36

Had plans to meet dsis (my age, 23) which we told our other older sister about (28). Although we're close to her and all live in the same city, tend to see older sis less as she is married and does a lot of stuff with her dp; also I don't think uni-style parties etc are really her thing anymore, especially as she lives about an hour away and her dp is late thirties and they do a lot of stuff with older people in couples.

Anyway older dsis heard we were meeting and said to let her know where we were. Fine. I ended up seeing friends and getting quite tipsy early on, then contacting younger dsis (who I had firm plans with) to let her knoe my location, who joined. Older dsis was bored at home as her dp was out drinking so called me a few times, but I barely registered as was drunk/silly and also she definitely wouldn't have come out; we were really far from her house and it was clear she only wanted to see what we were up to as she was bored ie on her terms - plus we didn't have firm plans.

It has recently transpired that she's still upset about this. I apologised but don't think I did anything that badly wrong! Who ibu? I think she's upset that me and younger dsis see each other more - but that's only because we have more free time/no dps and lots of mutual friends. Feel a bit angry she's made me feel bad about it

Dodohsppy Sun 06-Nov-16 23:31:12

Meant to add that my plans with younger dsis were made a few days in advance and older dsis only mentioned her availability fairly last minute - almost felt like she only wanted to come when it was convenient for her. But if it hadn't been she wouldn't have come?

Leanback Sun 06-Nov-16 23:35:48

You ignored her calls of course she is going to feel excluded. Regardless of whether you thought she would come out or not, you not answering nor telling her where you are is going to make her feel unwanted and hurt.

ALemonyPea Sun 06-Nov-16 23:35:49

Well, if you had time to message your younger sister, you should have had time to do the same for your older sister. I can see why she's upset.

DearMrDilkington Sun 06-Nov-16 23:37:05

That's really quite cruel. Yabu

Dodohsppy Sun 06-Nov-16 23:39:08

I didn't mean to be cruel, it wasn't intentional. I was drunk and not really thinking straight, it was silly and thoughtless, but not designed to exclude her at all.

WorraLiberty Sun 06-Nov-16 23:40:11

What do you mean you barely registered her calls?

You either realised she called or you didn't, surely?

Dodohsppy Sun 06-Nov-16 23:41:48

I mean that I was extremely drunk and was checking my phone in the bathroom but didn't think, oh we have plans. Because plans had not been firmed up and had changed, I assumed we weren't meeting up any more.

NoMudNoLotus Sun 06-Nov-16 23:42:07

Agree with worra.

Eevee77 Sun 06-Nov-16 23:42:14

You were mean. She's your sister and she specifically asked you to let her know. Maybe she was feeling bored. Or maybe she's been feeling lonely and doing something with her sisters is what she thought she needed. It's not fair of you to decide that "uni style" parties aren't for her thing or that she wouldn't come out anyway. Let her make those decisions herself.

NoMudNoLotus Sun 06-Nov-16 23:44:28

You sound thoughtless btw.

I suggest imagining what it's like to be her, and see things from her perspective.

Dodohsppy Sun 06-Nov-16 23:45:02

Fair enough. It wasn't intentional though! I was really drunk and only checking my phone every couple of hours in the bathroom. I can see that this is how it looks but was not trying to make her feel excluded. I just feel sometimes that her dp takes priority and that me and my other dsis are something to do when he's not around - and yet she expects us to answer our phones immediately when she contacts us

KwazyKupcakes Sun 06-Nov-16 23:45:16

YABU. If my sisters did that, I would be hurt - not that you went out with your other sister, but that you mentioned it to the older one (how did she 'hear'?) and then ignored her. Particularly as her DP was out - was she waiting to hear from you and therefore didn't go out with her DP?

Dodohsppy Sun 06-Nov-16 23:45:22

I'm not thoughtless.

Dodohsppy Sun 06-Nov-16 23:46:08

No. her dp was out with his friends and she was bored. If he had been free, she wouldn't have seen us.

Leanback Sun 06-Nov-16 23:47:01

Her husband should take priority though, that's what being in a long term relationship often entails. By excluding her she is just going to prioritise him even more.

Dodohsppy Sun 06-Nov-16 23:49:28

She contacted us on the day we were meeting and said we should let her know our whereabouts. Fine. Didn't hear from her until middle of evening so assumed she wasn't coming, was drunk by then, remembered I had firm plans with other sister so invited her out in a panic. I can see how it was thoughtless and silly but it was a one-off ocasion caused by drunken silliness; she can be/has been thoughtless to me in the past and I would never call her up on it...

Leanback Sun 06-Nov-16 23:51:31

If she asks you to let her know your whereabouts then why does she have to re-contact you that evening? The ball was in your court?

Eevee77 Sun 06-Nov-16 23:52:47

She contacted you and asked YOU to contact her later in the evening. That's pretty clear. You were supposed to contact her, she'll have been waiting for you to contact her first. Why would you assume she wasn't coming if you hadn't even told her where you were?? You were thoughtless and just because it wasn't intentional, it doesn't stop it being hurtful.

Dodohsppy Sun 06-Nov-16 23:54:54

Ok I've just seen the message. Earlier that morning she said "will try to come out later" - to me that sounds as if we will see what happens but no big deal if plans change on either side, right?

Dodohsppy Sun 06-Nov-16 23:55:48

No i have just read and she said "let me know what your plans are later" - I replied and said I was out for drinks confused

DonaldStott Sun 06-Nov-16 23:55:52

OP: aibu?
Mn majority: yes
Op: well I don't think I was.

So why ask?

Dodohsppy Sun 06-Nov-16 23:58:26

Fine, I was wrong. I can see that. How can I make it better?

M00nUnit Sun 06-Nov-16 23:59:53

What a horrible way to treat someone, let alone your own sister. I think you should apologise to her and mean it. What does the fact that you "didn't hear from her until middle of the evening" have to do with anything? She asked YOU to contact HER which was "Fine." as you've now told us twice. If getting drunk makes you treat people this badly then you need to stop getting drunk.

Eevee77 Mon 07-Nov-16 00:00:12

Apologise for your thoughtlessness and arrange a night out?

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