Financial resentment in marriage

[Tetley08]

Our current situation is as follows....
My husband pays all of the household bills & mortgage, he has approx 25 % of his take home monthly salary remaining as his disposable income.
I earn significantly less, I'm studying 1 day a week and starting up a new business. My work isn't very well paid, and although I hope to earn more soon, it's never going to be a career that i earn a great deal from. However I deliberately chose to do this as the hours are flexible, I enjoy it & I can be around more for our son. My husband encouraged me to study and says that he doesn't want me to give up on my business. My husband works long hours and often travels for work which means that during the week 100% of the childcare falls on my shoulders. I do all of the housework.
My husband seems to resent me for not contributing financially. I don't pay any of the monthly bills but all of my money goes towards household expenses like food, tennis lessons for our son, our one family summer holiday, new school shoes - ad hoc things. If I fancy a new top or something (providing it's not too expensive- from New Look or the equivalent), I'll usually buy it, but I don't have anywhere near the amount of disposable income that he does. I get comments like 'I support you' like he's funding my lifestyle or something. He loves hammering home the point that he 'pays all the bills'. I don't know what to do as this is really driving a massive wedge between us. I could go back to my previous line of work which I did before having our son. We'd be much better off financially and I'd have considerably more disposable income. My husband wouldn't be able to make comments about him paying all the bills & maybe he'd respect me more? However I wouldn't be able to spend as much time with our son which would make me very sad, I don't think I'd enjoy it, and he would have to pick up 50% of the childcare during the week - i think this would make his already very stressful job much more stressful and to be honest I can imagine that he'd say he would do 50% but in reality it wouldn't work & I'd end up doing the majority of it.
AIBU is he right to feel resentful towards me?

[Highlandfling80]

He is so wrong. Someone said there are several jobs in a family. One is earning money. One childcare and one looking after the home. You are doing 2 out of the 3. Plus some of 1.

[Trifleorbust]

No, he has no right to be resentful of you and you should be dividing things so that you have equal disposable income. That is the first issue here. Whether or not you go back to work then depends on whether that would improve the financial situation for the whole family without compromising care for your children, and whether you can do this based on a 50/50 split of childcare and housework.

I would start with a conversation with my DH in which I calmly explained that we needed to revisit the financial arrangements to make them shared and equal. I would explain that it is both hurtful and presumptuous of him to use language that suggests I was not an equal partner. I would explain that my work in the home is as valuable as his work outside the home and I expect him to treat it as such.

[baconandeggies]

YANBU and he has no right to be resentful of you. As you are married, all money belongs to the household - that's both of you. If he's withholding 25℅ of his take home pay for his exclusive use, that's financial abuse.

You need to get together and rethink a fairer way of doing things, e.g all income goes into a joint account and everything comes out of there.

[ItsJustNotRight]

It's a ridiculous situation, why are you going along with this? Tell him you want.a joint account with all money pooled, all living expenses come out of that and share out what's leftover for savings and random spending. Don't tolerate this, you are being VU to put up with his attitude. You deserve more than this for a relationship.

[kavvLar]

Me and DH have both worked part and full time at various points and covered childcare between us.

We have our own accounts and a joint account. We put everything into the joint account except for an agreed sum. This sum is identical

sorry posted too soon.

Doesn't matter who brings in what. We both have the same amount of disposable income. I know it may not work for everyone but it has kept it fair for us.

[EmeraldIsle100]

OP I am livid on your behalf. I agree that you should have a serious talk with him. If you weren't doing all the work you do he wouldn't even be able to leave the house let alone go to his well paid job.

Ifi after your speak to him he persists with this bullshit I honestly recommend that you announce to him one Sunday evening without any notice that you are going to stay in a hotel for a week and leave. See how he gets on with his big work then.

If you can't face doing that feign an illness that means you are bedridden for a week.

You probably think I am joking but I'm not. I am so so annoyed on your behalf.

You really need to change your approach rapidly. Be strong and don't let anyone treat you like this.

[OnionKnight]

As you are married, all money belongs to the household - that's both of you. If he's withholding 25℅ of his take home pay for his exclusive use, that's financial abuse.

I'm sorry but as much as the DH is a dick I don't agree with the above, my wife and I put the majority of our wages into the joint account but we do hold an amount back for personal spends (phone bill etc), how is that financial abuse?

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

You are in a financially abusive relationship and unless he changes you always will be. I would sit down and talk, be very clear that he has to stop with the negative comments and that you both have access to the same amount of spending money. If he doesn't agree then I would move foreward without him.

[ItsJustNotRight]

Emmerdale completely agree with you. OP it's time to step up and say you're done with this arrangement.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

Onion - he is keeping a larger portion of money, that's abuse.

[CheeseCakeSunflowers]

Work out how many hours you spend a week doing housework and childcare. Multiply this by £7.20 (Living wage). Explain to DH that this amount is what you are contributing to the household budget, although it is unlikely you would be able to employ a housekeeper and nanny on this hourly rate so its probably more.

[baconandeggies]

how is that financial abuse?

Because he's withholding it before other bills have been paid - meaning the OP has to pay for "food, tennis lessons for our son, our one family summer holiday, new school shoes - ad hoc things" leaving her with nothing like as much disposable income as her husband.

It doesn't sound as if she's taken an equal part in the financial decision making.

[MollyRedskirts]

OnionKnight - it could be financial abuse in the OP's case as the husband earns more, keeps 25% of it for his own use whereas the OP earns less and keeps probably about 5% of her earnings for herself. That's a huge mismatch between them in the amount they have as their own money. That, coupled with her husband's resentful attitude towards giving her money which would make them more equal is what makes it potentially financially abusive. I'm surprised you can't see that.

[DoinItFine]

I think you should start looking at what kind of life you could affford if you separated from this wanker.

[FlamingoSnuffle]

I contribute a big fat zero financially but do school run, help with homework, all laundry, all cleaning and 90% of the cooking.

My husband's comments? Thank you.

I have been a SAHM for 12 years, my sons are almost 14 and almost 11. I have full access to all our money, and am encouraged to buy clothing/household stuff.

I respect what my DH does being the sole earner and he respects what I do.

It may help that his Mother was also a SAHM until he was well into secondary school.

What was your relationship like before you had a child?

[perditalost]

However I deliberately chose to do this as the hours are flexible, I enjoy it & I can be around more for our son.

Maybe he would like to be flexible and spend more time around his son. Sounds like you made the decision and then just did it? Did you earn the same when you married?

Why not get a better paying job? Sadly we cant all do what we want for jobs- we have to look at what pays enough to keep our families etc

If he gave up work to study and take a lower paid job that he enjoy would you support that? Maybe that is an option? Why don't you both work the same amount of hours and both equally share all of the other jobs?

[PeppaIsMyHero]

I think that being in a partnership where children are involved requires a mind shift. The moment it clicked for us was when we started paying all our income into the joint account and both took exactly the same amount from it every month for personal use. And I'm saying this despite being the one who earns more.

All our bills - regardless of whether it's household expenses or paying off debt incurred by one of us a while back - comes out of the joint account and although the cooking / cleaning / childcare duties ebb and flow, we usually feel like we're sharing them fairly equally. Sometimes he has a busy month and does a bit less, sometimes I do, but it kind of all comes out in the wash.

It's a difficult thing to talk about when you're stuck in a certain way of doing things, but you could start by asking hi how he'd LIKE things to be split. And definitely cost up childcare, cleaning, washing, clothes for kids etc... so there is a financial value on what you do before you have the conversation. Good luck.

[Spice22]

I think YABU . This type of setup only works if you BOTH agree to it - he clearly doesn't and you are doing it for your own benefit (more time with your son). It seems to me you've made a choice ; more time with your son over more disposable income.
I think your husband has every right to be resentful because , in your own words, there would be more household income if you worked but you choose not to.

[wizzywig]

when he makes comments like that, please tell him how you have supported his career and enabled him to get to the position he is now. and if he doesnt value your contribution, then to please let it all out and tell you how he really feels about you.

[DoinItFine]

There would be more household income if you got divorced and then went back to your old job.

[perditalost]

when he makes comments like that, please tell him how you have supported his career and enabled him to get to the position he is now

That is rubbish, there are lots of families where both parents work full time and both have got amazing careers. This isn't 1927!

[andintothefire]

I agree with Spice22 to some extent. You have made a choice for your own benefit, but it appears that your husband isn't really happy about it. I know of at least one marriage that has failed because of resentment built up over several years as the wife chooses not to do any significant paid work even when children are at school and the husband is working extremely long hours to pay the bills. Both partners have to be happy with that setup (and appreciate what each person brings to the table) for it to work.

Having said that, your husband needs to be prepared to shoulder much more of the housework and childcare if he really wants you to work outside the house more. Have you had a serious conversation with him about that? It is quite likely that when the reality kicks in he will realise how good he has it at the moment!

[OnionKnight]

OnionKnight - it could be financial abuse in the OP's case as the husband earns more, keeps 25% of it for his own use whereas the OP earns less and keeps probably about 5% of her earnings for herself. That's a huge mismatch between them in the amount they have as their own money. That, coupled with her husband's resentful attitude towards giving her money which would make them more equal is what makes it potentially financially abusive. I'm surprised you can't see that.

I asked because there's nothing in the OP that indicates that the husband agreed to her working one day a week and thus not financially contributing anywhere near as much.

[andintothefire]

Out of interest, how do you think you would react if your husband came home and said that he was giving up his career to start a new business (for significantly less money) because he wanted to spend more time with his son? I think that is often quite a good litmus test - if you would genuinely support him and be prepared to compromise financially so that he would be happier, your husband should absolutely be doing the same for you.

[perditalost]

Out of interest, how do you think you would react if your husband came home and said that he was giving up his career to start a new business (for significantly less money) because he wanted to spend more time with his son? I think that is often quite a good litmus test - if you would genuinely support him and be prepared to compromise financially so that he would be happier, your husband should absolutely be doing the same for you.

I agree. Even more so- would you then be prepared to go to work full time in a job that you may not enjoy to enable him to do this.