I honestly don't know but I seem to have become heartbroken over doing what I thought was the right thing.
Ds is 20 and we have always got on like a house on fire. We've always chatted loads about everything. Maybe the background is a little relevant - I fell pregnant with him at 19 to a man that was severely disabled and terminally ill. I was told he probably wouldn't live to see the birth but he actully lived until ds was 9. Yes, I was incredibly silly falling pregnant in this way, but I've spent the whole of his life trying to do what was right by him. I ended up in a major legal battle to try to get his father living with us (took 5 years) and then another 5 years handling a very extensive care package to enable us to live together. I very definitely did this because I considered it the right thing to do for ds, but I'm not sure now due to other factors. We also had a second child - dd1.
After his dad died I remarried and had a third child, and despite all the early trauma in his life ds coped very well and got on great with his step father.
The only issue in his life was complete lack of motivation - ever. This became apparent throughout secondary school. He just wouldn't do anything, regardless of consequences. We regularly had teachers tearing their hair out with frustration (as was I) that work was never completed. He had many and varied sanctions, but nothing ever made a blind bit of difference (and I was rather cross with the school that they often gave him more and more chances, which undermined things).
My mother also paid for driving lessons for him. He took a few and despite saying he really wanted to drive, just stopped booking them. I have no idea why since he often expressed frustration that he wasn't driving. My mother was furious and after 18 months transferred them to his cousin who passed quickly. Ds expresses jealousy of his cousin.
So he left school with some great grades (from the subjects that had held his hand) and some completely missing subjects where he didn't complete coursework (one piece took 3 years and still didn't get done) and even an exam that he didn't turn up for.
Knowing how completely unmotivated he was I encouraged him to go to college to do a practical subject, but as soon as they met him and had his references from school explaining he's an extremely bright lad they persuaded him to take a-levels. He presents extremely well and can charm the birds from the trees.
His first year at college, he spent in the snooker club and on the skateramp. He decided to restart telling me he'd realised the error of his ways and changed. He went back to his old school and restarted at 6th form. This was worse, and he did nothing, and I started getting phone calls to say he was now disruptive, playing the clown. This was embarrassing, he was the oldest kid in the school. I told the school I would talk to him but that was realistically all I could do, if he was disruptive then they should ask him to leave. They didn't, they gave him chance after chance, and even after he got CEU grades when he was supposed to get CCC, they let him back on the course. All teachers say he was capable of As.
When he got a part time job I asked him to pay a small amount of rent in the hope that it might click that there were things in life that had to be done. He has always been expected to help out around the house also. He did these things without grumbling but without exception had to be asked to do them.
In April this year he dropped out of 6th form and was immediately given full time hours at his job, and also a promotion. I assume this means he works hard at his job (it's a cafe). I explained to ds that if he wanted to work in the cafe long term that was fine by me. He said that's absolutely not what he wanted to do and he wanted a career. I said that was fine, but because of history of not ever doing anything that I would have to be quite pushy with him. He would have to pay a more proportionate share of living costs (which he agreed was fair) and come up with some kind of plan of what he was going to pursue if he wanted to live here relatively cheaply as a step up into something else. I gave him until the end of July to tell me what the plan was, and if there was no plan that he would have to move out by the end of October. He agreed with this totally. Apart from anything else his sister's could do with separate rooms.
Things domestically went down hill. We had to chase his rent every month. He stopped doing anything around the house. He stopped communication about food so after many wasted dinners we stopped including him in dinner arrangements. He stopped doing even the small amount of housework he'd been doing. His room descended into squalor, and he only stayed here about 2 nights a week. If I ever tried to tackle any of these subjects he told me there was no point because he was moving out soon. He even refused to clear up when I had a landlord inspection.
July came and went with no response, so in August I had a chat with him and he confirmed he intended to move out at the end of October. I said I was going to have to be hard and strictly enforce this, because we were getting nowhere. He said he understood it was for his own good, he agreed he would carry on taking the mick otherwise. I cried, he could see I was extremely upset at having to ask him to move on. Despite the problems we chatted all the time and he got on great with his sisters.
So end of October, I could see no action of any kind and with a week to go he went to Budapest. He had 3 days left when he came back and he told me he'd got something sorted although he kept muttering about a room in a crack house. He said it was only for 3 months until he went to Australia. He's been talking about this for a while, but as with everything else I didn't believe it would happen. I was determined to stand firm and do what I thought was right for him and make him stand on his own feet at last. My husband thought maybe we should extend till after xmas but I was determined not to kick it down the road again, I didn't think we were doing him any favours.
At the last minute, it turned out that he's actually been offered the room at his friend's house (who's already gone to Australia) for zero rent. Apparently the other mum's of his friendship group think me getting him to pay his way was utterly unreasonable at his age (20) and were queuing up to take him in. He has now expressed (as never before) that he thinks I've treated him badly.
I am heartbroken. I was only trying to do this to help him - genuinely. I almost couldn't bear the thought of him not being around, we've been through a lot together, but I was determined to do what was best to help him grow up. If I'd known this was going to happen I wouldn't have asked him to move on.
AIBU?
To have taken this action with ds
SEmyarse · 06/11/2016 09:09
YANBU. He is an adult. You have done your very best by him and he has made his choices. At some point he is going to have to take some responsibility for his life. As heartbreaking as it must be for you, you now have to let him go and make his own mistakes.
Ignore the comments from his friends parents (if they are true). You are doing the right thing. 
l really feel for you. It is one of the toughest things - parenting a teen/ young adult.
Your heart just walks around with them - hoping they are okay.
I don't have any advice . I just hope it works out for all of your family.
Aw - sounds as if you've done everything a loving mother could.
My advice? Stop worrying about your son and stop judging yourself. You are clearly a very goal-oriented person with a strong sense of what is "right" for yourself and for the people you love and a huge amount of energy and commitment to make things happen. Which is wonderful - but the downside is that is that sometimes if other people are less goal oriented and less energetic and committed than you are then that can backfire a bit and although they might want to live up to your ideals in theory, in reality they might sometimes let you make all the effort while doing less and less for themselves. Not everybody has "a plan" and although you meant well, talking about the long term and deciding that you were going to "push" him was probably a blunder. It's a tricky balance for any parent but it sounds as if he needs to needs to make more of his own decisions and work through the real-life consequences for himself. You didn't need to say anything expect "congratulations" when he was promoted at work - working in a cafe doesn't even need to be "fine by you" or "not fine by you".
Really, all's well. You have raised a DS who is capable of earning a decent living right now. Sure, he'll make mistakes. And he wont always do what he should when he should. But in the long run he will be fine. Be ready to help (within your means and energy) when he asks and otherwise let him get on with things. It is good that he is moving out. Well the "crack house" thing sounds dodgy and if you are really worried you could offer him three months support with rent so he can rent somewhere that isn't a crack house (athough he may be exaggerating for effect anyway). But after that he's on his own, crack house or wherever he chooses. He can earn a living in the cafe, pay his own rent, clean his own house, cook his own meals. Or live in a pigsty for a while if he chooses.
At the last minute, it turned out that he's actually been offered the room at his friend's house (who's already gone to Australia) for zero rent. Apparently the other mum's of his friendship group think me getting him to pay his way was utterly unreasonable at his age (20) and were queuing up to take him in. He has now expressed (as never before) that he thinks I've treated him badly.
Oh right this is his version. Tell him to stop being silly - he's a good age to move out and he's very lucky to have a free room offered. Of course you'll miss him when he moves out but you'll still be seeing him, inviting him home for meals now and again etc. You're doing fine and so is he. You can afford to be breezy and confident and happy about it.
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