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to ask when you knew?

(28 Posts)
malika54 Sat 05-Nov-16 12:25:39

Just read a thread about weddings on here, and this made me think about relationships in general.
When did you know in your heart your relationship was over? Was it a last straw incident, or was it something bigger? Was it a single moment or a period of time?

YvaineStormhold Sat 05-Nov-16 12:29:53

Why do you ask? Do you think you 'know'?

Because if you think you know, you do know.

ferriswheel Sat 05-Nov-16 12:36:02

I've had two 'i know' moments. The first one was when h was giving me another verbal bashing, but this time in front of the therapist. I knew there and then that if he wouldn't wind his neck in, even in front of her, I had no chance of a happy relationship.

After that point I felt so sad because I knew it had to be over but I still hoped for a miracle.

The following weeks have been hard, and I know there's more to come, but his choices have continued to be so selfish that I knew that I had to believe I deserved more, even though at the moment I feel like shit.

But really what Stormhold said, if you are wondering then it sounds like you are already on the road.

dudsville Sat 05-Nov-16 12:36:52

When he said "no" as if I was a dog behaving badly.

ferriswheel Sat 05-Nov-16 12:39:30


I've had stuff like that too. Are you free yet?

JeepersMcoy Sat 05-Nov-16 12:41:42

I ended a 6 year relationship after we had a really nice day. I know it sounds strange but I suddenly realised that I couldn't remember the last time we had just had a nice day. It was nothing special really, but it was a day when I wasn't walking on eggshells and trying to second guess what he wanted and how he was feeling. It was such a relief it made me realise how bad things had got. I knew I couldn't go back to feeling miserable all the time with him and left him that evening. My only regret is that I hadn't done it sooner.

StrongerThanIThought76 Sat 05-Nov-16 12:43:49

It was in a Relate session. Just knew that he didn't, nor ever would be able to think about how miserable his actions were making me. Our divorce proceedings started within a few weeks.

purplefox Sat 05-Nov-16 12:50:57

On my wedding day, small wedding which was fairly nice but I was miserable throughout, he, someone who wasn't supposed to be drinking alcohol proceeded to get wasted and spent the whole evening with his friends, throwing vulgar comments my way. My mum then said something like "You're supposed to be happy, it's your wedding day, the only one you're going to get" and I was just thinking "No, it won't be, this isn't "it" for me"".

We lasted 3 years but that's only because he was a controlling psychopath that used threats to kill himself, me and my son as a way to stop me leaving. The final moment I knew was when he did something and I realised I really didn't care if he was going to threaten suicide again, I was beyond done with it.

graphista Sat 05-Nov-16 12:54:18

When I received news that was good for me ... and his face fell because he knew it meant he'd actually have to pull his weight re housework and as a father. That wasn't the only thing but it was the last straw. My mother though wasn't surprised as she'd noticed I'd become apathetic towards him anyway.

dudsville Sun 06-Nov-16 08:23:43

Yes I am Ferris, a long while back. I'll never forget that moment. I can't recall what I'd done but it was minor and he was correcting my behavior and in that moment it summed up our dynamic for me. In his eyes I was reliant and to be improved, but I'd grown up, was no longer reliant, and was happy with myself. It was a significant relationship at a significant time in life so I gave it a further year but I didn't tell him as didn't want it to be an ultimatum. My list was that he had to stop being angry every single day and slamming doors, he had to want to do what I wanted some times, we had to stop arguing on a daily basis, he had to celebrate my success, show me respect, and stop trying to change me. To try to help this along I was clear with him, we went to therapy, I stopped arguing back. What I didn't realise at the time was that I'd also hated kissing him and sex became awful, demeaning fantasies turned him on and it was too close to home for me. So because of that it actually never would have worked. I ended it a year later and felt instantly as if thorns had been lifted from my brain. But it was that moment of being treated like a bad dog (I don't speak to my dogs that way! ) that caught my attention finally.
Where are you in the process Ferris?

dudsville Sun 06-Nov-16 08:29:41

Graphista, I had that. I got a 1st and he looked sour as anything (I've come from nothing and missed a lot of early education so this was bigger than the second coming in my eyes). My doctoral dissertation was top in my year and he grabbed it out of my hands incredulously flicking through the pages. When I landed a dream position he was visibly annoyed. I hate that I wasted so much time on him.

dudsville Sun 06-Nov-16 08:35:05

Purple fox, mine also threatend suicide, twice, in that last year. I knew he was doing it manipulatively, and there was a suicide in my family, so the 2nd time I said I would tell his boss if he ever did that again.

Ninarina Sun 06-Nov-16 09:56:42

He's very 'feminist' and into equality which sounds great but it means he never treated me to any gifts or surprises and everything had to be split with me paying for most things as he was 'skint' all the time tho money to do his hobbies etc. He would go berserk if I called anyone a cow or bitch saying it's misogynistic which sounds enlightened except when my mum died he called me a 'disinterested cow' because I was upset and hadn't been thinking about him.

userformallyknownasuser1475360 Sun 06-Nov-16 10:07:49

Anyone able to tell me what it would have taken to bring it back from the brink, or what it would have taken for DP to turn things around? I'm trying to work through some things with dw, although she doesn't seem responsive to any attempt by me to change (recovering from alcohol addiction being the main one). - I think I may have been at the same point as some Dhs above without realising it (sorry for hi jacking the thread a bit)

baconandeggies Sun 06-Nov-16 10:26:47

she doesn't seem responsive to any attempt by me to change (recovering from alcohol addiction being the main one)

She has to want to change. Advise you (as an individual) contact Al-anon for support, as family of an alcoholic.

timelytess Sun 06-Nov-16 10:28:07

When a man rang and said my husband was shagging his girlfriend.

Graphista Sun 06-Nov-16 10:31:59

User are you the recovering alcoholic or is she?

Limitededition7inch Sun 06-Nov-16 10:33:34

When I got to the bottom of a story that hadn't made much sense and in doing so I consequently unravelled a whole load of much deeper and worrying lies. Thank god I didn't marry him or have children with him; I count the experience of moving out of our rented property and 300 miles away from him a pretty minor one in comparison with what it could have been.

ItsJustNotRight Sun 06-Nov-16 10:34:19

User where to start? Don't to a wanker. Be supportive, kind and loving. Don't be emotionally or physically abusive, never side with children against your partner, don't use your partner as a house slave, sex slave or assume she is a provider of 24/7 free child care. Pool your resources whether you both work or not. Don't run up debts and have fun together and as a family. That's should do for starters. Congrats for getting off the booze, it's a start.

tooyoungtobeamrs Sun 06-Nov-16 10:36:22

For me it was when I met another man I was attracted to (never cheated EXDP though) and my first thought was "How can I sneak away with this man" instead of feeling guilty towards EXDP.

I broke up with him a few days later.

Bijouxxx Sun 06-Nov-16 10:44:58

For me it was a few weeks ago when he went off on one at me in front of his 5 y/o niece, all because I left a dirty glass by the side of the bed. Shouting and ranting at me is one thing, but in front of her was just disgusting. Now I'm just trying to gather the strength to leave.

userformallyknownasuser1475360 Sun 06-Nov-16 10:46:02

Hi folks, re my situation I'm living out of the house at the moment. Dw says she doesn't love me anymore but does care about me. Trying to do best for ds. There have been issues with dsd before (currently away at university) but trying to bite my tongue Aa regards this. Trying to work with dw as regards separation but not be walked over at the same time.

nerdymum Sun 06-Nov-16 10:48:16

Before I met my DH I had been with a BF for years and everybody assumed we'd marry. My friends hated his guts as they could see how he was constantly undermining my achievements and crushing my personality.

One day he mentioned about doing a posgraduate course for 2 years in another city. Instead if thinking "I'll miss him so much" or "how often would I see him", my first thought was "Great! Please go away so I can have some freedom and breathe".

Ended up shortly afterwards.

nerdymum Sun 06-Nov-16 10:49:13

*instead of, even!

Laiste Sun 06-Nov-16 10:54:32

userformallyknownasuser1475360 i would start your own thread if i were you. You'll get better attention to your issues and can explain from scratch.

(I would also advise posting it in 'Relationships' rather than AIBU to be honest. Or even 'Chat'. They're just as busy as here, you'll get replies)

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