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Quick help - perspective needed.

(18 Posts)
Beautifulbabyboy Sat 05-Nov-16 07:20:01

So I basically want to know if I am over reacting. Help!

Last night I arranged a night in the local lovely pub to celebrate a big deal in my life, not a birthday. (I don't want to say what I was celebrating as it would out me).

My DH obviously came and lots of friends, including very old friends who took an hour long train to come. However, my "best" local friend - a mum I have known for 5 years and someone I thought I was very close to sent a text at 9pm saying she couldn't come.

I am a bit hurt, she knew the night was special. She lives 1/2 mile from the pub and as a show of support she could have just come for one quick drink. She also 2 months ago, when drunk, made a few digs at me, that got me thinking that maybe the friendship was one way.

So given we are attending a joint kiddie birthday party today, how would you feel? I am absolutely not going to say anything, just would you make a mental note to step back from the friendship, or would you think this is nothing and carry on as normal? Thanks.

FerretFred Sat 05-Nov-16 07:21:48

Carry on as normal and mentally file her as a friendly aquaintance and not as a mate.

Bruce02 Sat 05-Nov-16 07:22:50

Did she say why she couldn't come?

Perhaps she has recently started viewing the friendship differently too?

Beautifulbabyboy Sat 05-Nov-16 07:24:45

She said she was tired. She did add she would like to take me out to celebrate next week.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 05-Nov-16 07:25:35

I can see why you are disappointed but I would let this go.

Unless there was a genuine reason then accept that the dynamics of your relationship are not as good as you thought.

Beautifulbabyboy Sat 05-Nov-16 07:28:25

That is what I am thinking. Makes me a bit sad though. For the record I am in her will as having her 3 children if she and her husband die in a car accident for example. (They have no close family).

mum2Bomg Sat 05-Nov-16 07:31:38

I'd let it go and see if she actually arranges something separately with you. She might have preferred to mark it in her own way and felt that would be more meaningful?

MrsBobDylan Sat 05-Nov-16 07:44:04

Be very wary of overreacting - you should talk to your friend about what she said while drink as it sounds like it hurt you. She may well have no idea her words did that, and be mortifies that you feel that way.

I think people are allowed to be tired and not feel like coming out. However close you are to someone, noone ever knows what's going on in their lives and to distance a good friend because she failed to come to one event is, imo, really unfair.

jules179 Sat 05-Nov-16 07:51:19

I think you are over reacting. She felt that she wasn't able to come, she texted you to tell you that.

Its a sign that she may not have realised how significant the night out was for you, but other than noting that, I would just carry on.

Bruce02 Sat 05-Nov-16 07:54:30

I would let it go.

Perhaps she has something going on that she hasn't disclosed. Perhaps she is genuinely knackered. Perhaps she had a really bad day

I am always exhausted Friday nights after a hard week.

She text you to let you know she wasn't coming. It's not like she just didn't turn up.

Beautifulbabyboy Sat 05-Nov-16 07:55:29

Thanks for the other perspective. I think the digs (about being a SAHM) are probably giving rise to thoughts. It was just one night, I will carry on as normal, I just don't want to be one of those people who doesn't recognise when someone is trying to tell you something!

Summerwood1 Sat 05-Nov-16 07:57:52

Perhaps she didn't feel comfatable with being with lots of people that she didn't really know.

elodie2000 Sat 05-Nov-16 08:10:04

Why does her non- attendance at this specific event show a lack of support?
I absolutely hate it when people expect me to attend parties, gatherings, celebrations, events.
If you invite a person to an event, their attendance isn't compulsory!
She was tired, she didn't want to go anywhere on that particular night.
There are plenty of other ways she can 'show support' don't you think?

Munstermonchgirl Sat 05-Nov-16 08:22:30

elodie- another way of looking at it is that when a close friend arranges a special event which has clearly involved a fair bit of organisation and maybe cost, it is the supportive thing to do to make the effort to go along, even if it's just popping in.

No one is obliged to go to a social event, but I think people are being disingenuous to say this is no big deal. If it were just a regular evening out with a group it's not a huge deal to cry off, but when you've been invited to a special event it's pretty rude to just cry off. It sounds like this friend had given the impression she had accepted the invite as she didn't message until 9 that she wouldn't come after all.

I also think the excuse about maybe not knowing other people is a bit feeble. I've gone to special events for friends where I don't know many people- you can chat, and just not stay too long if it's really not your thing- the point is, you're Supporting your friend.

I wouldn't make a big deal today about it, but I'd do what others suggest and view this person as an acquaintance now.

Bruce02 Sat 05-Nov-16 08:49:49

So she works?

Got to be honest I had a shocker of a day at work yesterday and after a working week and balancing two kids schedules I was in bed by 9.30 last night.

I was exhausted. I have been a sahp so am not saying it's easy, but I can totally get why someone would be feeling not up to partying on a Friday night.

If you feel something is going on then you should speak to her. You could even find out something is going on with her that you don't know.

If one of my close friends all of a sudden became a bit odd with ne; I would be concerned about her.

Beautifulbabyboy Sat 05-Nov-16 08:55:01

Thanks for all these perspectives. This is why I like mumsnet, sometimes we only see things from our own point of view, and that is not great! Will keep an open mind...

nephrofox Sat 05-Nov-16 08:57:55

It will be easy for her to think "it's alright for BBB, she's been at home alll week and I've had a shocker with work/childcare etc. She probably has all her day-time mum mates there anyway who think I'm a bad parent for going to work. I'll have an early night and catch up with her on our own next week"

Pinkcadillac Sat 05-Nov-16 09:09:13

I'd let it go and behave normally. It has happened to me, having to cancel on my friend at the last minute after having a distressing argument with my mum. Nothing awful in the long term but bad enough to make me feel crap that day. When I saw my friend next she was as kind as always, and I was grateful and relieved.

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