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AIBU in wanting my best friend at my birthday party?

(37 Posts)
NoSunNoMoon Sat 05-Nov-16 07:07:02

DH and I both have landmark birthdays in the new year. We don't normally go in for big celebrations but decided we would for once. Our DCs have grown up and left home as have the DCs of our close friends and families. We thought it would be lovely to get the old crowd together. We are still all friends but more scattered now. DH and I still live in the place where we were brought up. We have made a provisional booking of the village hall and some caterers.

A and I have been best friends since we were 5. She began dating DH's brother not long after DH and I got together. We got married and had DCs and so did they. 15 years into the marriage A's DH had an affair and after a messy few months prevaricating he left her for the OW. It was a horrible time. We managed to tread the fine line of staying friends with both of them. BiL and OW married 10 years ago. OW hasn't been the most loving of step mothers and for a while the DCs refused to see their dad but it's been glossed over now and pretty civilised.

A was heartbroken but time heals and she is now married to a lovely man who was instrumental in healing the rift between the DCs and their DF.

BiL has told DH that his DW says that she won't come if A is there and that he feels he won't be able to either, in that case. DH wants his DB there but it's his choice not to come and A has been more than a sister to me for many years.

I'm going to sound like a bitch now but the years have not been as kind to BiL's DW as they have to A. A's DH is very well off and since they married her lifestyle has changed dramatically from the early struggles when her marriage broke up and she had to fight for money for the DCs. Bil's DW is jealous of her change of circumstances and often makes barbed remarks.

DH and I rarely argue but we are about this. He says family should come first, despite us being close friends with A and her DH. I've said invite all and if some choose not to come then that's up to them.

AIBU?

GoofyTheHero Sat 05-Nov-16 07:08:43

Invite them all, if they can't be grown up enough to come then that's their problem.

GoofyTheHero Sat 05-Nov-16 07:09:13

Oh... YANBU!

amroc18 Sat 05-Nov-16 07:10:41

YANBU. I would do as you said and leave it to them to sort out who is going, it shouldn't be your problem to deal with. Good luck!

sartra Sat 05-Nov-16 07:17:33

I totally agree with you. Invite all. You will likely have a fall out if you leave someone out and thats not fair on you. Leave it up to them if they come or not. Its their issues not yours.

bevvy81 Sat 05-Nov-16 07:18:01

Invite them all for sure! After all they are adults and can surely put their issues aside for one day to enjoy celebrating with you both! I don't think you should be put in a position to choose x

Lunar1 Sat 05-Nov-16 07:18:36

I'd invite them all, but make sure they know the other party is invited.

travellinglighter Sat 05-Nov-16 07:19:12

Your BF didn't cheat, she can't help it if BiL's wife has had a hard life. She may be jealous but so what. Extend the invites and if BiL chooses not to turn up then that's his decision. If new SiL says she's not coming then tell her to grow up.

As for hubby saying family come first, he's right but freinds shouldn't miss out because of family members bad behaviour.

NoSunNoMoon Sat 05-Nov-16 07:20:43

I do like a unanimous AIBU. grin

FrancisCrawford Sat 05-Nov-16 07:22:04

Oh my, what a horrid predicament.

YANBU.

SIL is interfering.

A was family before SIL was!

If A is able to be in the same room as BIL and SIL, then it's pretty hypocritical of SIL to start stirring.

humblesims Sat 05-Nov-16 07:23:13

I agree with others. Invite all and let them make the decisions.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual Sat 05-Nov-16 07:28:15

Invite them all. It would be really very cruel if you didn't invite your BF, especially given what she went through. I'm surprised your dh is even suggesting it.

Ahickiefromkinickie Sat 05-Nov-16 07:29:30

A's DH is very well off and since they married her lifestyle has changed dramatically from the early struggles when her marriage broke up and she had to fight for money for the DCs. Bil's DW is jealous of her change of circumstances and often makes barbed remarks.

Oh wow!! I love it when this happens in real life grin Have BIL and OW fallen on hard times please say yes? Is BIL jealous of A's new life?

YANBU at all btw. BIL and OW lost the moral highground years ago. Please don't let BIL and OW win.

Steppenwolfe Sat 05-Nov-16 07:30:14

This isn't a case of you and /or your husband deciding that family come first and selecting your guests together. You husband is reacting to an ultimatum from his brother and this childish and controlling behaviour now has to be justified and excused with a tag line 'family first ' . Brother should no more be indulged in deciding your guest list than any other random person-tantrum or not. You could argue your friend A is a sister to you . My indignation at being dictated to by BIL would make damn sure the others were definitely coming. I think as you hint, BIL has ulterior motives and does not enjoy how well ex wife is doing these daysand envy/negative comparison maybe at the root of his huff .Tough .
YANBU ...
At the risk of being random stronger dictating your guest list .....
Invite all and let him look childish and huffy .

NoSunNoMoon Sat 05-Nov-16 07:32:39

DH has a bit of a blind spot for his big brother. Their mum was widowed when he was very young and the four year gap led to early hero worship of his brother.

I think he knows in his heart that A has to be invited. And she will be. Up to BiL and his DW if they come or not. Either is fine with me. A has long got over it.

FrancisCrawford Sat 05-Nov-16 07:34:31

Just noticed that BIL didn't want to pay for his kids.
That's hardly "putting family first"

A was family before SIL, and she will always be a part if the family because she is the mother of BILs kids.

Neither BIL or his DW sound like very nice people.

Poor A - she's been cheated on, had to struggle to get her ex to pay for his kids and now they want to exclude her from the party? If she can put up with the pair of weasels for a few hours then they can't complain about anything.

ChilliMum Sat 05-Nov-16 07:35:10

YaDNbu. A is like a sister to you. She is also the mother of your dns. She is family too.
Your dh is being ridiculous and bil and ow are being v. Selfish it's not about them.

FrancisCrawford Sat 05-Nov-16 07:37:14

A sounds lovely!

As do you.

As for DH - despite his hero worship, there comes a time when we realise outpr idols have feet of clay. And a man who cheats on his wife and doesn't want to pay for his kids is giving a very clear picture of who he is.

TataEs Sat 05-Nov-16 07:37:25

if she has a problem, it's exactly that, HER problem. She was the OW ffs, and as such has no rights to dictate anything.
another vote for invite all, say to BIL that you are sorry his wife can't put her feelings aside for one day and come and enjoy celebrating with you, and you hope he really will consider coming, for his brother at least.
then leave them to it.
if they don't come maybe have a meal with them near your Dh actual birthday.

allnewredfairy Sat 05-Nov-16 07:38:05

Well done A is what I say! Defnitely invite all. It's up to the invitees to have the grace (or not) to accept or decline.

AyeAmarok Sat 05-Nov-16 07:42:02

Invite everyone.

It's nice when things work out well for nice people.

Chewingthecrud Sat 05-Nov-16 07:42:25

I'm confused as to what basis BIL's now wife is saying she won't be there is A does? Because she doesn't like her? A was the 'wronged' party not her so what is she using publicly to suggest she should get to dictate that?
Seriously what adult would do that?
If you can't get past your jealousy then make an excuse and don't go. As if you start demanding the other person doesn't go!!

If A can stomach socialising with her ex and his new DW then no reason they couldn't all be there.

You must stand your ground here. Horrible thing to do to A and her DH otherwise and you will be resentful all night of she isn't there.

NoSunNoMoon Sat 05-Nov-16 07:44:01

Ahickiefromkinickie grin

Not exactly hard times but BiL's career has not gone as well as he'd hoped. They are comfortable but not in the same league as A and her DH. SiL has always had to work whereas A has taken early retirement to support her DH's career, which involves quite a bit of travelling.

I do love BiL who has many good qualities but is a bit weak for want of a better word. He's been a good uncle to our DCs and a loving son to their mum when she was alive. A's DH has charisma in spades and is totally unaware of it. She says she pinches herself hard every morning. smile

I think he's the lucky one, though.

Blu Sat 05-Nov-16 07:44:34

YANBU.

BIL is being outrageous and has no business emotionally blackmailing his brother like that! He left his marriage, he remarried over 10 years ago, A is the woman he still has children with so how does he get any credibility attached to not bring in the same big hall space?

I can understand your DH wants his brother there: he needs to tell his brother to get a grip.

How does your DH feel about the fact that his own brother will only agree to come 'on conditions '? He (BIL) is not putting his brother first, is he?

onecurrantbun1 Sat 05-Nov-16 07:45:38

Invite them all, make sure they know the opposite party is invited and let them brace themselves or make excuses as they wish.

I must admit if I was the OW / "new" SIL I wouldn't want to attend either, but I'd hope I had the decency to plan a well-timed minibreak (or make one up!) rather than issuing ultimatums.

I hope BIL is more mature if there's ever an event involving their mutual DCs.

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