AIBU to be upset that his ex still texts him to meet up

[Alwaysjugglingeverything]

They split up 4 years ago. She split up with him. I met him 2 years ago. We moved in together 6 mths ago.

Before we became serious they met up about once a month. She is marrying someone else.

However, She still asks to catch up with him every month or so. I was ambivalent to this initially but then I recently got unreasonably upset about this. I can't see why she's still asking. Every month or so she'll get in touch and because I've got increasingly upset he hasn't now seen her for 4 months (he hasn't). But last week she got in touch and said 'Are you ok? I still care, you know?' I saw this text come in when I was on the phone to his sister. He knows I saw the text. He said it was because he wasn't arranging to meet her any longer.

I get that he's not and she realises that. She's knows he's with someone else now. But I don't get that she thinks it's fine for me that he would still see her? AIBU?

PS I've never met her. Lives in same town but it's never cropped up.

[embarrassedbuthopingitsalright]

Yanbu. She sounds grossly insensitive and selfish.

[Alwaysjugglingeverything]

I wonder if it's just she's not thought to ask if it's ok with me. It became not OK with me but actually that's allowed too, isn't it?
Before I went 'aah, you can't keep seeing her' I said how about I meet her. She told him 'it would be weird'!

[KC225]

Does he want to keep seeing her? What does her fiancee say about it. Has he ever wanted to meet your DH?

[SylvieB74]

If she would meet you and all be friends it would be fine. But it would be 'weird' apparently, so it's not!

[Alwaysjugglingeverything]

So he definitely was under impression (and I say that lightly) that he should see her and not lose complete contact like he had with other exes. I get that. I still see my ex near daily as we have 2 DC together. In fact my new guy and my exH know each other well as a result
On the flip I've never met his. So any early 'you see your ex and I want the same kind of friendship with my ex' didn't float.for a start it's because of DC that we still know each other and see each other.
For another I've never met her. So it's not like he or I are in the same circles as she is. I just see she wants to see him on her terms.
That thing with guys never getting in touch that well, I know he's not asking to meet up. Just in the past has agreed if she asks.

[Alwaysjugglingeverything]

No idea what the fiancé thinks. My guys not met him. So it's not like I'm being left out of a cosy threesome...

[kittymamma]

I agree with the PP. I wouldn't find it weird if she was willing to meet up with you, and if I were you I wouldn't mind them continuing to be friends. However, the fact she has a problem meeting up with you suggests she sees them as more than friends and that is massively unreasonable to continue that relationship.

[Alwaysjugglingeverything]

Yes kitty that's what I think. So why, as she's getting married does she need to even tell him she cares?

[Eevee77]

IDK. For a lot of people they find a best friend in their partner so she could just be being friendly. Does he actually want to are her? If he's not arsed I wouldn't think twice but if you're the only thing holding him back I'd suggest the four of you meet up?

You need to talk to him instead of letting it expand in your mind.

[Alwaysjugglingeverything]

Yes. I have suggested that in the past but she wasn't up for that. But you're right. All in all I know I'm not happy with the two of them meeting up as if it was old times. I know he can reassure me til the cows come home but I don't know her and I don't have to trust her. That's my bother with it all.

[APairofScarletSequinedWings]

Maybe she wants to keep him 'on the back burner'? So she'd be able to go back to him if her fiance didn't work out.

That's why she won't meet you, as you're likely to see what she's doing if you saw her around him. If she doesn't meet you, she can pretend you're not a serious part of his life, more like a flatmate than his permanent partner.

[crazywriter]

I don't find this that weird. But this is coming from someone whose DH's ex is our DD1's godmother. My ex is also my best friend and DD1's godfather. Maybe we are just strange people.

[mum2Bomg]

YABU - I still see my ex and I got married to DH this year. It's now a friendship and there's nothing 'sexy' there, we just still care about each other, you know, the way you can do with lots of people in your life. This isn't odd or strange to me.

[Weedsnseeds1]

I read the text as I still care how you are feeling / if you are unwell, rather than , I still care about you. If they split amicably and meet up for a chat every couple of months and tell you about it, it doesn't sound particularly sinister to me.

[JacquesHammer]

Well we have a relationship like that.

My ex-H was and still remains an incredibly close friend. Our separation and subsequent divorce has been as amicably as they possibly can.

We have a child together and text regularly about both the child and other random stuff.

I have absolutely zero interest in him romantically - but I very much still care for him as a friend and the father of my child. We have both met other people and both our new partners absolutely know we speak regularly and have no issues because there's nothing to have issues about.

[Starla268]

I also have a relationship like this with my ex. We still see each other regularly and I count him as one of my best friends. Our relationship ended on good terms (both decided we wanted different things) so it seemed a shame to throw away all those years of friendship.

My husband has met him although when I meet up with my ex it tends to be just us. I wouldn't put up with my DH telling me I could no longer see a close friend just because he also happens to be an ex. And DH wouldn't dream of making me feel bad about seeing ex.

However I can understand your reticence when she has been unwilling to meet you. I wonder if her unwillingness is because she knows you aren't happy with him being friends with her? Perhaps a conversation with your partner would be helpful and he could try and set up a situation where you could all meet up (perhaps with her partner too?) which might make everyone feel more comfortable about their continued friendship?

[JessShouldHaveBeenAPiranha]

I don't have much choice about seeing my ex as we have DS together, and for the most part, we're 'amicable' (note the parenthesis!). However, I'd think it was a bit weird if she refused to meet you, and wonder how her doormat fiancé feels about it all.

It's an odd one, for sure.

[brodchengretchen]

This kind of thing happened to me in a past relationship, and I wonder if you should be getting bogged down in the semantics of this, OP?

They broke up, she's his Ex. She's now engaged and the fact that she asks to see your DP and he hasn't sent her off with a definite NO means there is unfinished business. It's up to you, but IIWM I would ask OH to sort this to your satisfaction or you would need to re-evaluate.

[Damselindestress]

Fine for exes to be friends in general but weird in this case as she refused to meet you. As his friend, why wouldn't she want to meet his partner?

[Charley50]

I think it's fine to have a friendship with an ex if the new partner isn't excluded from it. Not saying you would always need to be there when they meet an ex, but the refusal to meet you says a lot. What's her problem?

[Spadequeen]

For all of you saying this is ok and not weird at all, all your new partners seem to be involved in the ongoing friendship. That's great and works for you. This situation isn't like that. The ex doesn't want to meet op, ops do hasn't met the ex dp. This is weird.

[llangennith]

Insist on going with him if he arranges to meet her again. She doesn't get to decide whether your OH brings you along or not. That up to you and him.
They had a relationship. It's over. They should both let it go and move on.

[ThePeoplesChamp]

fuck no. Is that not the idea of breaking up, you reallise a relationship isnt working our and REMOVE yourself from it.

She sould like a spoilt little madam who likes to think she still has everyone at her beck and call. Agree with PP's .... her only wanting to meet only your DP and not you is completely offside.

Perhaps she could take her plan B grasping hooks out and let him move on which his life (which it soounds like he has) and stop texting with bollocks like 'I still care'

[Allofaflumble]

Are you sure that it is her saying she does not want to meet you. I was in this situation once and it was my (now ex) who didn't want us to meet. He was hedging his bets and in the end I won the glorious prize (sarcasm).

[MargaretCavendish]

I don't know why other people are comparing their genuinely friendly relationships with exes to this - it's crucial here that the ex doesn't want to meet the new partner! I am another person who is still close friends with two ex boyfriends (one a fairly shortlived relationship, but the other multiple years cohabiting). My husband had an on-off things for ages with a close friend who was one of our bridesmaids. We're definitely a 'no insecurities exes' couple but this hinges on the fact that exes genuinely are friends like any other - and it would be properly weird if a friend refused to meet your partner. If you can't all hang out together then this isn't 'just' a friendship.