AIBU to be sodding bewildered and tearfull over my crappy brother?!(61 Posts)
Backstory as so I don't drip feed. Dp and I are going through the wringer. The last several years have been a financial nightmare. Unexpected redundancy exhausted all savings. We have 2 Dc's. He is back at work with a 10k pay drop. My budgeting skills, well. I could do a TV show called ''SongforSal scrimps through life!''. It's hand to mouth, and it's lucky we are that. People have it worse. First world problem for me, I know.
This is the AIBU bit. I have always adored, and looked up to my eldest sibling. He is 14ys older, and was basically a Dad to me growing up (ours passed when I was a baby) He is now eye wateringly wealthy (His business has featured in global newspapers for example.)
I have always been incredibly proud of him, and I sing his praises over what he has achieved. But for what ever reason, he seems to hold me in contempt. That's what it feels like. For example. When Dp was in his redundancy, our roof literally caved in!!!! I had to go cap in hand and ask for a 'loan'. He gave it me, whilst lecturing how I need to 'budget' and told me the only reason he was helping was because of the children. I sobbed for hours after that phone call.
He is now based on the opposite side of the world. I have been saving up for myself, Dp and our 2 children to visit in a couple of yrs (flights are several hundred each) Anyway. Really disheartened on that because 'Life' happened and had to use savings for petrol and food.
Anyway. Our Mum just visited, turns out he is paying for her and Step-D to visit for 6 weeks over Christmas. I was really pleased for her. She then got irate and pissed off saying ''I need to have words with your brother. He offered to pay for you to visit. But I told him you wouldn't leave the kids or DP for 6wks!!''Really. Who the fuck does that?! Did he really think I would leave my family?!
BTW. This isn't about money. I'm bloody sad. I would give him a kidney if needed. Yet I feel with his wealth he has completely lost touch with reality, and I guess he doesn't feel any 'bond' with me anymore. I only see him every couple of years now. He visits in passing for no more than 2 hrs. It's got to the point I can't bear seeing his social media posts of a fairly jet set lifestyle because I get a lump in my throat. It's honestly not jealously (Before anyone asks!) I just can't understand with the disposable income he has, why he doesn't visit me and spend time?! We haven't had a falling out. He just seems to have 'forgotten' his little sister and it makes me feel shit.
Should I put my big girl pants on and suck this up as he has his own life, wife and children now and not to expect a family bond anymore?
Crap! Didn't realise I wrote a thesis!! Sorry!!!
With respect, if you can't leave your family to visit him, you can't then expect him to leave his family to visit you. Massive double standard.
If you are tearing up at his lifestyle, then in afraid you're kidding yourself if it's not any jealousy. If course it is. And it's only natural. However, he doesn't owe you anything. The attitude you got with the money loan obviously upset you, but if you didn't tell him you were upset, how would he know?
Are you kidding me? He travels around the world with his family. And yes I work
If he visits the UK, he prioritises seeing his old 'Friends'. Thus last time, he only visited me for 2hrs because he was meeting them and couldn't fit me and our mother in.
I asked, because six weeks away from most jobs would be difficult.
I get where you are coming from OP. You'd love him to want to be close with you as you used to be.
Do you think he's deliberately distanced himself? Maybe it was tough for him becoming a father figure so young and he wants to forget that time?
Bit confused as you said he was going to pay for you to fly out, isn't that an indication he wants a relationship? Your mention of money makes it sound like an issue between you.
No. I am NOT jealous. I am massively pleased for him. I am SAD that he can't afford the 'time' to spend with us. There's a massive difference. Vivienne When did I say he would be leaving his family??! Wherever he travels, his wife an my niece and nephew travel to. I would love to see them, and I miss them!
It sounds as though he has no idea what the reality of your life is like. A lecture on budgeting when he's super rich and you're at your beam ends is just clueless.
It sound as though you've really grown apart. Do you think that maybe you've idolised him but the person he really is is rather cold and distant?
I'd expect a lot of posts accusing you of jealousy, but I do see where you're coming from. It must be very hurtful as he won't spend his time on you. It certainly looks like all is not lost as he offered to pay for you to fly and see him. I think the only way forward is to communicate how you feel and let him know that whilst you appreciate him generosity, what you really want is your bond back.
thebear The money divide honestly isn't the issue. MN is anonymous. If it was..I would say! I guess the fact he invited me, and not my Dp and our children hurt. Our mother thinks he has just made to much money, and stretched himself to thin that he can't please everyone. I guess like most people I value family, and the fact we are considerably poorer means I do not have the financial freedom to visit him. I don't want a handout from him, nor would I ever want him to think that! I'd be mortified! The fact I asked him once before (and paid it back!!) Urghh. Money makes me feel icky.
RhiWrites. Yep. Bang on. He's a nice bloke. Just 'clueless'. I guess I am venting on here because I don't wasn't to vent to him. He has his own family, and business. He's mega busy. Just gals me. For instance when I see pics on FB that he came to the UK to visit old friends. But didn't have the time to pop in for even a coffee, even to say 'Hi' to his niece and nephew does piss me off! I just home my kids and grandkids (Grandkids far in the future I hope!) are closer than that!
I feel sad for you and understand that you miss him I don't really know what to suggest tbh.
I think it was a bit callous of him to give you a money lecture (unless you've missed out a whole history of borrowing). I also don't understand why he would even ask for the money back if he was that loaded, why not try and make your families life easier. I would never see my db, sil and nephew go without, if I had loads of spare cash and they needed something I'd buy them it without a second thought and certainly not a lecture or a request for repayment.
Could you write him an email saying you really miss him and wish you could spend more time together. Don't write any accusations or anything, just say you miss his company.
Honestly i suspect he is a bit out of sight out of mind with you and your life. My opinion is that he is a pretty shit brother to be wealthy and to let you guys struggle so much, does he know how hard io you Are?
I think you would be better off emotionally distancing yourself from him, it's unlikely he will change. To be utterly brutal it sounds like he thinks he is better than you and above you, don't bother yourself with him.
Kay What you just said is literally what our Mum feels and it upsets her! Then she whinges to me! The money divide upsets her (she's very proud of me btw! Bless her!) Feels he could help financially. I disagree. I do not want my bro for cash, I just want to see him more. Think I've just had a bona-fida reality check that families grow apart regardless of best intentions.
Of course you don't want him for cash but I'll never understand people that wouldn't help out family. What is the point in having money then?
My mum is very comfortably off and is always buying me, dh, db & sil stuff. Latest for me was new washing machine, yes we could afford it but she can afford it without even missing the money so offered to buy it. Her philosophy is why make her families life more difficult when she can make it easier. We're not spoiled or entitled and are a loving family
most of the time.
I've got the same t-shirt! Understand totally. It hurts. Don't have any wise words on how to deal with it.
When siblings grow up they often grow apart, especially when distance is an issue. Everyone just gets wrapped up in their own lives. The fact he had a father like relationship with you does make this harder, but even parents and children move apart sometimes.
It is sad though.
Does he like your partner? Your brother is clearly very successful and it may be that he expects your partner to be the same. Some men struggle with other men not providing in the way they think they ought to. If you have a good relationship in other ways maybe it's the partner issue and he doesn't know how to handle it. If he offers to pay for partner as well partner perhaps he feels your DP could feel undermined. He might however just a selfish git who has no compassion or caring left in him. There are plenty around.
I was thinking along lines of PP re DB's relationship with your husband.
Is it possible DB doesn't like/approve of your husband? Does he think your husbsnd isn't good enough or doesn't "provide"
sufficiently for his family?
But he does think of you (was going to pay for you to visit, even if that wasn't practical) and he did give you the loan. Would you go over to visit him on your own for a week rather than six? I don't see that he's been that bad. Me and my DB love each other and live relatively nearby but barely see each other. It's that time of life where people are busy with work and their own families.
But the main thing I was thinking, was that his role here is very different to yours. He was the big brother, 14 years older, surrogate dad who you looked up to. That might have been great for him. It might not always have been. No doubt he still loves you and thinks of you, but you're his much younger sister, who still comes to him for a loan, which may again be more a dad role than a brother. I'm not saying you don't mean the world to him, but it's interesting that you say when he's back he spends more time with his friends, who are presumably more his own age, his peer group. Whereas with the best will in the world, he may just not have that much in common with you apart from the role his played in your childhood. It's quite complex I think. And I understand why you want more of him, but I don't see that he is crappy, except that you could be expecting too much of him. Especially in this latest situation, where I don't see that he did anything to hurt you, and if your mother thought it was so bad and knows what you're like, perhaps she shouldn't have said anything about it. I wonder if he avoids the aggro that close family ties can bring, if it'll just lead to emotional demands on him?
People on here often say don't lend even family money you're not happy to lose.
It does sound like you expect him to fund you, and I don't think that is fair. We earn less than my siblings by quite a way, and have more family, and much bigger expenses simply because of where we live. Don't think they owe me money because they have more.
He offered to pay for you to come, you don't want to leave your family, fair enough-but you then can't complain that he won't come and see you.
So he's selfish for not paying for your whole family to visit yet gave you a loan when you needed it? I don't think selfish is the word you are looking for.
You don't visit so why should he? You could have picked up a second job, your DP could have joined an agency etc so that you didn't have to use your holiday savings.
He has more through sheer hard work, why should his parents then expect him to financially pay for his sister who made different choices? He's not a cashpoint.
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