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AIBU - New relationship - Feeling a bit worthless / taken for granted

(61 Posts)
fredom2011 Fri 04-Nov-16 17:49:49

Ive been dating a lovely guy for 7 months. My only relationship since I got divorced 5 years ago.

So he is really lovely, really into me and would do anything for me..... BUT.... Hes been separated and moved out for a year and so easy going not pushing anything forward. His wife isn't in any hurry as he is currently financing her and the children. He is so laid back about it, it frustrates me and he isn't in any hurry and says that he will speak his solicitor in a few weeks. I know he doesn't want his wife back but I am still secret as if she found out it would inflame matters more, which I totally support. I haven't met any of his friends (they know about me) only his immediate family. We haven't introduced children yet which I am happy about. So that's one part that's annoying me.

Secondly It was my bday three weeks ago, we went away, I had to arrange and pay for everything including getting the Euros as his solicitor advised for it not to show up on his bank statements, he has given me some of his half but not all... then my present, he brought me a joke present and said he would take me shopping to buy me something else - three weeks have passed and nothing. We have been quite busy but he knew for months when my bday was....I had been dating him for 2 months when it was his b'day and I brought him an expensive shirt, cuff links, thoughtful personalised card and took him to France to a nice restaurant for dinner. AIBU..... and a DIVA.

Also he spends every other weekend with me and its just a given he will stay as well as one night in the week. I often buy the food and cook for him. He occasionally brings food but not that often. When we go out I pay as much as he does, Im very independent, I really like him, hes kind, not short of money and I feel that I am doing more than my fair share of paying for stuff etc.

He keeps saying hes going to get me some nice food from this amazing shop near where he live- it doesn't materialise and says he will take me here and there but it doesn't happen.. Im the sort of person if I say Im going to do something I do it.....

Hes a good guy totally in love with me and I don't want to F@@@ it up.... some advice please???? Am I being a DIVA??

NoSuchThingAsThePerfectParent Fri 04-Nov-16 17:52:12

YANBU. He won't improve with time I can promise you. In fact he will get worse. Sorry

NoSuchThingAsThePerfectParent Fri 04-Nov-16 17:52:43

You deserve much more than that

fredom2011 Fri 04-Nov-16 17:53:53

Should I speak to him or dump him?

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 04-Nov-16 17:55:59

Just dump, he's not keeping promises and you feel like shit, your his part time cafe and booty call

Love yes you deserve much much more never settle flowers

harderandharder2breathe Fri 04-Nov-16 17:57:42

The secret thing may be a red flag for me. Yes it's a new relationship and I wouldn't be rushing into meeting DC but secret feels childish and a bit dodgy imo

GiddyOnZackHunt Fri 04-Nov-16 17:59:04

Have you ever told him this bothers you? He may think you're fine with it, in which case tell him and see if he improves. But if you have told him already then there's no point expecting him to radically change.

Lweji Fri 04-Nov-16 17:59:46

If you stay with him stop buying food or spending money on him. If he goes to yours send him for a takeaway.

But I'd probably get rid.

Euphemia Fri 04-Nov-16 18:00:52

Sounds like too much hard work this early in a relationship. Plus all the mess with the ex. Who could be arsed?!

Drumdelgie Fri 04-Nov-16 18:04:04

He sounds a lot like someone I dated once. hmm the secretiveness and the unkept promises (and the fact he can talk to his solicitor about you having to spend money on his behalf but not about getting his divorce finished?) all sounds to me like he is taking you for a ride. He may be charming and may say he loves you but that is not what he is showing with his actions.

Do you ever stay at his place OP?

mygorgeousmilo Fri 04-Nov-16 18:04:38

You're a secret??!! And where does he live when not with you? He's not in love with you, I'm sorry - you don't keep people you're in love with a secret and you would be desperate for them to meet your friends. Solicitor advised him to make YOU pay for a trip so it wouldn't show in his statement - even though they haven't even started bloody divorcing yet?! What a joke! He could have got the cash out. He's a piss taker and a chancer and is having his cake and eating it, the cushy family life and the girlfriend on the side paying for everything. Don't end up in a long term relationship with this guy, relationships are not supposed to improve as they go along, the beginning is supposed to be the good bit. Sorry if I sound shouty, but there are so many red flags here! flowers

user1471950254 Fri 04-Nov-16 18:07:28

There are so many red flags I'm afraid so I would end it as you deserve better! The advice about Paris makes no sense and he isn't treating you correctly by not having met his friends etc! Good luck and love on

fredom2011 Fri 04-Nov-16 18:07:32

Hes a decent guy - just too laid back and Im very driven and can be demanding.

He would do anything for me and does stuff at home and Ive had a build going on for 4 months and dragged him around builders merchants for month. I had a health scare and he was amazing. He would do anything for me but I just feel upset about my b'day and possibly its the wrong time of the month for me and its all getting too much and now I am dissecting every aspect. We agreed by xmas we would tell the kids and the ex wife.... but its his why do it today when I can do it tomorrow that I struggle with. I was married to a liar and cheat for 13 years who mentally tortured me. This one is a good guy but before I throw all my toys out just wanted to see if I was being unreasonable?? thanks guys sorry for the rant on a Friday night

fredom2011 Fri 04-Nov-16 18:10:58

He has his own house and I have stayed there a few times, he would have me there every weekend but Ive had to be at home for stuff going on with my family and the building work.... When I did stay there he brought lovely food, champagne and did everything. When I say Im a secret the ex doesn't know, or his kids. His family and friends do and all his work colleague - only met his family

doji Fri 04-Nov-16 18:12:18

Well its not you fucking things up, is it? Any man that insists on keeping you a secret is either doing something wrong or has his priorities wrong. Sack him off for that alone, the broken promises and leaching are just further evidence he isn't all that great.

fredom2011 Fri 04-Nov-16 18:19:27

It was my idea for the ex wife to not know about me as she is v difficult he has had to apply to court to take the children away..... me in the mix would make things even trickier

tibbawyrots Fri 04-Nov-16 18:45:41

Step away. He's already breaking promises, and putting his ex ahead of you and your feelings.

It won't be easy. Nor will it be 5, 10 years down the line when his divorce still isn't progressed.

Keeping you a secret does smack of "his wife doesn't know they're separated" to me. The fact that his friends know about you means nothing as friends often do know when someone has an OW and say nothing.

Sorry. sad

NoSuchThingAsThePerfectParent Fri 04-Nov-16 19:15:27

You shouldn't need to have any conversation about the basics like birthday presents and keeping your word on a promise. He sounds like the sort who will tell you what you want to hear but won't actually deliver. Someone who keeps their promises (like you) needs to be with someone else who does the same. It would drag you down over time trying to live with that sort of set-up.

Secretsandlies222 Fri 04-Nov-16 19:51:39

Based on what you've posted about him so far I don't think you should end it without telling him how you feel first. It sounds as if he has some lovely qualities. No one is perfect and we are all capable of change. If, however, after speaking with him things don't change then he deserves to be dumped.

fredom2011 Sat 05-Nov-16 00:32:09

Thanks for all your kind words.... I've spoken to him and told him exactly how I feel, let down, divorce dragging out, not getting me a present.... he is a gentleman and has some very good qualities but listening to the bullshit about him getting me a gift in a week or twos time doesn't really do it for me and I've told him so. I haven't been soft on him told him what my expectations because if my first birthday is like that next year I will be getting a black and decker electric drill and I've been there..... we will see its his time to woo me and step up to the mark if he doesn't then I'd prefer to be alone.... I will keep you posted. But in my experience people sadly change - good night, feeling very sad sad

wundringnow Sat 05-Nov-16 00:58:50

To me it sounds like you have some differences in what you value and see as love. I'm fond of the "love languages" concept to help explore those kinds of differences. You say he'd do anything for you like repairs around the home or other acts of service. But he's not good with gifts and special occasions. In his mind that might be way less important than showing his love through actual practical help and walking the walk. I think any couple has to work together and coach each other on the different ways we speak love, it's a lifelong process really. I certainly disagree that remembering special days and giving special gifts or nice food is self-evident. To some it's pretty shallow in fact.

The 'not following through on things' is a negative quality, but no more so than any other negative quality. If he's a good solid person who is loving and kind, then other things can be worked through.

However, it also sounds like it might just be the wrong timing for you guys. You could think about taking a break until he is fully divorced maybe. You definitely don't want him to get too used to you just being his casual friend with benefits when you want much more. That's not fair on you.

fredom2011 Sat 05-Nov-16 01:14:04

He would do anything for me... he is really into me and we speak on the phone for hours... its not friends with benefits, its a very loving relationship. Timing hasn't been good, I met him two months after he moved out and he wasn't looking for a girl friend. I think he's a good guy and we have both been really honest with each other. He is a procrastinator and im not - super organised and efficient. Hes a Dr and works in the NHS I was an investment banker for 25 years so culturally quite diffferent. He's hurt that he's let me down, Ive told him how I feel on every aspect and we will see if things change. He isn't still with his wife just not wanting to push his divorce and rock the boat but things are moving mediation broke down and now going through the courts. Hes too nice and that's part of the prob, but when it impacts how I feel and how my life is that's where I have an issue. Im not materialistic and if he have given me a box of chocolates for my bday I would have been happy with them. What's upset me is him saying he would buy me something and three weeks on it hasn't materialised and the bullshit that surrounds that..... Maybe I do just expect too much from others because I would give them so much more....

Topseyt Sat 05-Nov-16 01:21:23

Do you not think that you are simply the OW? That he is married with no intention of separating or divorcing and THAT is why his wife doesn't know about you. That is why it suits him to keep you a secret.

Somehow I can't imagine any solicitor saying that he should make the third party (you) pay in order to stop stuff appearing on his bank statements. Very unprofessional if they have.

Lweji Sat 05-Nov-16 01:51:10

He would do anything for me...
Except keeping his promises.

Do you know why he's divorcing?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sat 05-Nov-16 03:15:40

I'm going to disagree with people here... YABU.

So he's really nice and he really likes you. When he's at your house he doesn't organize food but when you're at his he does. And he'd like to have you over more but you're too busy. This all sounds pretty reasonable to me.

He's taking it slow with family/commitment. Seems pretty reasonable (smart even) following a divorce.

Are you very experienced with relationships other than your marriage? 7 months is really very little time, especially if you're both as busy as you say. I think you're investing too much at this early stage. To be honest, the gift you got for him at 2 months in was way over the top and if someone got all that for me so early I'd probably run a mile. I think you need to back off a bit and see if you enjoy just being together without counting who did or organized what and keeping score generally.

Don't try to change him. It won't end well. You can see what sort of partner he's going to be already. Loving, caring, but not hugely thoughtful about stuff like presents, and probably a confrontation avoider. Is that a bad thing? Only if you are an incompatible personality.

It seems like he just wants to relax and take the path of least resistance. If you're not capable of relaxing then you should let him find someone who is.

I also notice you seem more interested in how much he likes you rather than how much you like him. Might be worth your time thinking about why this is.

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