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AIBU to ask DP to uninvite his friend's wife from our wedding?

(1001 Posts)
Somerville Fri 04-Nov-16 17:23:46

One of my fiancé's closest friends is an usher at our upcoming wedding. DP is his child's godfather.

However, his wife doesn't like me. Actually, I think it's not personal to me - I think she loved having DP single to set up with her friends and to flirt with hmm and she's annoyed by him not being available to her.

She began by making unkind jokes at my expense. Never in DP's hearing, and so subtle I wasn't sure whether she meant well but had clumsy phrasing. But it's getting worse and I'm now in no doubt. She's very funny so it looks like a sense of humour fail to take objection to her 'hilarious' comments.

She also calls DP a cutesy nickname that no-one else calls him, often brings up friends of hers who he has previously dated, and touches him a lot. He says she's always been a bit like this but he's assumed she would stop when he was in a serious relationship and instead it has got worse.

I've been ignoring her rudeness because I think she thrives on drama and attention and frankly I don't have time or energy for all this. But DP wanted to try to get to the bottom of it to repair his friendship with them. Fair enough. She said the problem is that I'm over sensitive. But she apologised for bringing up how great his ex girlfriend is looking and for the cutesy nickname (I think he was too embarrassed to properly bring up the excessive touching) and cried, and her DH made excuses for her. DP was cautiously hopeful that she'd improve.

I saw her last night at a hen party for a mutual friend. She referred to my DP as the nickname then laughed and said 'silly me, he says you get jealous about our pet names'. I went and sat at another table.
Later on she told an amusing sex anecdote about a friend of hers who dated a friend of her DH's. I knew from the start that she would accidentally on purpose reveal it was DP and indeed she did. The pregnant bride looked upset so I again just got up and moved. No alcohol excuses as none of us were drinking.

I will be avoiding her in future. And I'd rather not have her at our small-ish wedding. I feel like asking DP to tell her she can't come. I think he will agree to this - especially with the sex anecdote thing - however it is of course then likely that his friend will pull out of being an usher and not attend, which will make him sad. AIBU and if I am, what is a better way of dealing with her? Just sucking it up on our wedding day isn't an option for me.

bestofbothhovis Fri 04-Nov-16 17:26:38

I'm not sure if others will agree but I'd definitely uninvite her. It's your big day and you don't want anyone ruining it for you. If she causes drama before or after then whatever, but at least the wedding will be stress free

ChuckGravestones Fri 04-Nov-16 17:29:28

He can always get another usher.

chickychickyparmparm Fri 04-Nov-16 17:29:41

Yes, uninvite her. Otherwise you'll be worried about her telling her "hilarious" stories at the wedding. From what you said it sounds like she would.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Fri 04-Nov-16 17:32:13

I'd rather upset the usher than the bride.

She sounds like a right cow.

SurlyValentine Fri 04-Nov-16 17:32:38

You need to tell your DP exactly what happened at the hen party, word for word, explain that having her at your wedding would most likely ruin the day for you both, and ask him to tell his friend that his wife won't be invited. If that means the friend won't come to your wedding either, then so be it.

liviadrusilla Fri 04-Nov-16 17:32:51

I would uninvite her too.

Bubblegum18 Fri 04-Nov-16 17:32:57

I wouldn't risk someone like her spoiling it for you

lokivonpoki Fri 04-Nov-16 17:35:16


You do not want this woman at your wedding, explain this to DH and either him or you can explain it to her partner that for numerous reasons namely that she's a fucking dick you do not want her there, it is then entirely up to him if he wants to come alone or not, but you should not have her there if your overwhelming memory of your wedding day will be whatever comment or joke she comes out with

DartmoorDoughnut Fri 04-Nov-16 17:35:22

I would uninvite her, sod being the bigger person or whatever she's a bitch and with booze in her I'm sure she'll say something that will tarnish your wedding day

baconandeggies Fri 04-Nov-16 17:36:20

Sad cow. Your DH should uninvite her and say exactly why. He shouldn't be a pushover. If he needs another usher than so be it. She's disrespecting your relationship and she's revoked her right to celebrate it with you.

Wallywobbles Fri 04-Nov-16 17:36:21

Your wedding your rules. Let us know how it goes though

Chewingthecrud Fri 04-Nov-16 17:36:27

For any other social event or occasion I'd say avoid her or don't go but for your wedding you cannot have her there. Simple as that.

You will be on edge trying to avoid her and you can be damm sure she will attempt to be the centre of it or embarrass you in some way.

Uninvite her. How her DP deals with it is up to him. He's an usher not best man.
He may well be deeply embarrassed about her antics himself.

Ask your DP to do the right thing.
Feel no guilt. She sounds truly horrible.

MalcolmTuckersEyebrows Fri 04-Nov-16 17:37:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fanfeck Fri 04-Nov-16 17:37:46

I would definitely uninvite

AyeAmarok Fri 04-Nov-16 17:38:38

I think you're going to have to get your DP to explain to the friend that he can't have her at the wedding and that he understands if that means the friend doesn't want to be usher anymore.

She sounds horrible. Poor you.

TheWitTank Fri 04-Nov-16 17:38:41

Urgh, she sounds awful. Definitely uninvite her and avoid in the future. I always deal with people like her with a sympathetic head tilt and an pity face. It confuses the shit out of them that you are not upset and just think they are a sad case.

ItsJustNotRight Fri 04-Nov-16 17:39:03

Uninvite her, she will ruin your day with her oh so funny spitefulness.

rollonthesummer Fri 04-Nov-16 17:39:50

She sounds like a cow. Has your dh never ever seen this side to her before??

DinosaursRoar Fri 04-Nov-16 17:41:01

I think you'd be reasonable to uninvite, but accept that probably means that the friend will drop out of being the usher and the friendship between your DP and his friend will be over. If they are part of a wider a group, it's likely the group will feel they have to take sides and it might not be yours.

MargaretCavendish Fri 04-Nov-16 17:43:02

Well, there is very little chance that the friendship with the husband will survive uninviting his wife - but then I think that's inevitable anyway. You can't be friends with someone whose wife you can't be around, and she sounds pretty intolerable. I think you're all going to fall out permanently at some point anyway (sadly), and at that point you'd really regret having had her at your wedding.

icanteven Fri 04-Nov-16 17:43:18

Gosh. Completely united Mumsnet! And of course, YANBU at all - she's a bitch, and she is having her invitation withdrawn because she is incapable of controlling herself. It's no harm AT ALL that being so horrible bites her on the ass.

KatsutheClockworkOctopus Fri 04-Nov-16 17:44:20

My DH has a friend like this and I really regret having her at our wedding. She kept whispering to DH, and it also transpired that she'd been doing the rounds of the other guest, effectively putting herself in the role of hostess at my wedding hmm(MIL still tells me how lovely she is- grrr). If I could do it again,I wouldn't invite someone guaranteed to spoil my day. YANBU.

Duckyneedsaclean Fri 04-Nov-16 17:44:31

She sounds horrific. Yes, better for your dh to risk upsetting his friend than his bride tbh.

rollonthesummer Fri 04-Nov-16 17:47:13

The pregnant bride looked upset

Presumably you are not then the only person in the world who thinks she's a bitch?

Does your husband move away when she touches him? Does he act like he likes her attention?

I don't think you are being unreasonable but something tells me he's not really backing you up.

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