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AIBU about my fiances ex?

(130 Posts)
chickencurrynriceyum Fri 04-Nov-16 16:45:51

This is a bit of a back story, but I have 2 ds (6 and 3) and I am pregnant due next month. My older DSs dad doesn't see them, so I was really pleased when I met my current fiancé but he's already got a child with his ex who causes lots of problems for us. She always comments on my scan photos on Facebook, she has photos of my ex up. She clearly can't move on. AIBU to think she needs to back off?

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Fri 04-Nov-16 16:47:43

What is she commenting on the photos?

I don't think people take pictures down from FB really, it's not a sign of her needing to back off imo.

abbsismyhero Fri 04-Nov-16 16:47:50

Yes yabu

FlapsTie Fri 04-Nov-16 16:48:08

How long have you been with him? Obviously less than three years. How long have they been apart?

You can stop her comments by setting them to 'friends only'.

AyeAmarok Fri 04-Nov-16 16:48:45

Why are you friends with her on Facebook?

chickencurrynriceyum Fri 04-Nov-16 16:49:36

It's 2 years. I know I could stop her comments but it feels not very nice. Her daughter is my stepdaughter and my child's sister after all. I just find her too much.

Arfarfanarf Fri 04-Nov-16 16:50:11

you could always block her or restrict her or whatever it's called or beef up your security so she can't comment.

She's always going to be in your life because she's the mother of his child. It makes sense to have a good relationship with her but you can make things more private without making an issue out of it in her eyes.

She's not going to 'move on' in one way, they share a child. she's always going to be an important part of his life. Or she should be anyway. Co parenting should always be an amicable and mutually respectful relationship.

Can I ask in what way is she causing problems? are her comments rude?

AmeliaJack Fri 04-Nov-16 16:50:19

If she's bothering you just block or hide her on FB.

skilledintheartofnothing Fri 04-Nov-16 16:50:21

What sort of things is saying on these comments? are they friendly? Perhaps she is just trying to get along with you.
It almost seems like becuase your own kids don't have a relationship with their own dad you are expecting your new man to behave the same towards his own child.
You haven't really went into what kind of problems she is causing, so it is hard to pass a judgement on this.

Ahickiefromkinickie Fri 04-Nov-16 16:51:30

Did your fiancé get together with you while he was still with his ex?

Why have you got his ex as an FB friend?

Why does your ex have his ex as his FB friend?

If she is not an FB friend, why are your and your fiancé's security settings so lax that your ex can comment on your photos?

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Fri 04-Nov-16 16:52:01

Your child is her daughters sibling too. If she is being nasty that's put of order, if she is simply commenting with niceties then you need to calm down.

AyeAmarok Fri 04-Nov-16 16:52:30

My older DSs dad doesn't see them, so I was really pleased when I met my current fiancé but he's already got a child with his ex

Can you explain what you mean by this? Why the "but" after saying you were pleased to meet him, it's a bit hypocritical to complain he already has a child when you already have two. Especially when you expect him to step into the father role with your DC.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Fri 04-Nov-16 16:57:33

My older DSs dad doesn't see them, so I was really pleased when I met my current fiancé but he's already got a child with his ex

There is no 'but'. He has a child with his ex. You knew that when you met him.

As for the photos of him on her FB, whether you like it or not they have a child together.

If you don't like what she is saying then block her.

harderandharder2breathe Fri 04-Nov-16 16:59:32

Are they nice comments? Why are you friends with her?

I still have photos on fb of me and someone I broke up with almost a decade ago! We split on good terms, stayed friends but drifted apart after he changed jobs and then moved. Doesn't mean I'm not over him! I've liked posts mentioning his current girlfriend as well (celebrating getting a flat together etc), hope she doesn't think I'm not over him!

They have a child together. There will always be that connection. And at least while the child is young, they will be in regular contact. And it is in the best interests of the child that contact is friendly.

It's not really relevant if she's over him or not tbh, as long as you trust your partner.

chickencurrynriceyum Fri 04-Nov-16 17:02:18

I'm friends with her because we all need a good relationship, she can be very difficult about contact. The comments are just always making everything about her own child, saying that her ex looks like his DD in any photos for instance. She clearly hasn't moved on.

AyeAmarok Fri 04-Nov-16 17:07:48

saying that her ex looks like his DD in any photos for instance. She clearly hasn't moved on.

confused

Umm, I think you sound like you're not mature/secure enough to be in a relationship with a man who has children from a previous relationship. Or a man who has had a previous relationship of any significance.

Just put her on a restricted list of friends so she can't see your photos.

But really I think you're looking for problems where there aren't any.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Fri 04-Nov-16 17:09:48

But really I think you're looking for problems where there aren't any.

I'd agree with this.

Telling someone their child looks like them is completely normal.

FlapsTie Fri 04-Nov-16 17:11:28

You think she's out of order for saying her child looks like its father?

You need to give your head a wobble.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Fri 04-Nov-16 17:13:23

The comments are just always making everything about her own child, saying that her ex looks like his DD in any photos for instance.

Well she probably doesn't. Shes's his daughter. There is nothing wrong with that comment.

clearly hasn't moved on.

There is no evidence of this at all.

You can't wipe her out of your fiancé life. They have a DD together.

You can't change that, although it's coming accross that you want to.

SurlyValentine Fri 04-Nov-16 17:13:29

Your fiancé's ex is allowed to comment on photos of her own DD! And saying that her DD looks like her ex is probably accurate - what do you want her to say? That her DD looks like you? hmm What is she saying about your scan photos?

Any issues about contact are between her and your fiancé; you don't need to be involved. I understand that you're feeling vulnerable right now, but I think you might be seeing drama where there isn't any.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Fri 04-Nov-16 17:13:53

*probably does not doesn't

Arfarfanarf Fri 04-Nov-16 17:15:21

that seems quite a normal thing for someone to say about a father.

move on doesn't mean move out of his life.

their relationship has changed but it hasn't ended, they are the parents of a child who matters and who needs to grow up feeling like her parents work well together for her benefit.

you are going to need to change how you see things. She is not someone who can or should be elbowed out of his life. A friendly, relaxed relationship provides for the best outcome for the children.

There is no need to be jealous or feel it's a competition. The nature of the relationship is different to the one he has with you.

chickencurrynriceyum Fri 04-Nov-16 17:16:25

I do need to be involved because we live together so contact effects me too. When it was half term we wanted proper family days out and couldn't due to her contact rules.

AyeAmarok Fri 04-Nov-16 17:18:42

What were her contact rules?

Fairenuff Fri 04-Nov-16 17:19:57

What are the rules that stop you having a day out?

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