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AIBU to feel devastated?

(80 Posts)
Nicebucket Fri 04-Nov-16 01:48:42

I just found out my boyfriend emailed his ex

There is a dark history here- him and her had a very turbulent relationship, she was his first sexual partner.

They then went through a very rocky patch and I think they each ended up sleeping with other people.
Through all this, him and I were best friends.

And he confessed to having feelings for me. I refused because technically he already had a girlfriend.

However a few months later, they were pretty much over, she just hadn't moved out. We ended up having sex after a drunk night out (not classy, I know) and she moved out the day she found out.

However even after she moved out and him and I became a couple, she deliberately continued to cause a lot of problems in our relationship.

For example, she took her belongings to a park in the middle of the night and then sent him a selfie saying that she would risk her safety and stay there all night if he didn't come and get her.

He went looking for her in all the neighbouring parks.

This is just one example, she pulled several stunts like these.

So once she moved back to her home town, him and I had an agreement that he wouldn't ever contact her again for any reason.

There is a lot more to the story about how controlling she was and how dysfunctional their relationship was. He always said he wasn't happy with her, he didn't love her and the whole thing was toxic.

He said he didn't even think about it.

He just saw the calendar and the automatic reminder and emailed her.

I don't believe it and I'm thinking this is a betrayal enough for me to break up.

What's more, he told me when I asked about another related topic and I sensed something was off so I proved further.

I really don't think this is forgivable

AIBU?

PerspicaciaTick Fri 04-Nov-16 01:53:29

So what was the email about, birthday wishes or something more intimate?

Although, judging by your reaction there is zero trust, so it sounds like your relationship is already on very rocky ground.

Whereismumhiding2 Fri 04-Nov-16 01:58:19

No, given the history, unless he was asking for an item back in his email, it is not normal to email a psycho ex. Few people go up to a bear and poke it.

Cakedoesntjudge Fri 04-Nov-16 02:03:59

Asking whether it's forgivable is a completely subjective question - the point from your OP is that you believe it to be unforgivable and since you're the one in the relationship then that's what counts.

Also I do struggle to believe that he would have sent the email without even thinking about the agreement he'd made with you not to contact her, that would make me a bit hmm in your position.

Florathefern Fri 04-Nov-16 02:33:14

I'm going to give another take on it. I was in a toxic relationship, treated very badly and in hindsight I acted very immaturely also. I should have walked away years before I did but I had very strong feelings for him. We both (sort of) moved on and sometimes we mailed one another. Many times the mails were about a shared interest or at least the initial email was sent on in the guise of the shared interest. The mails would almost always develop into regrets at how the relationship had turned out, if in another place at another time etc. We'd email for about a week and then both of us would stop. Six months later, one of us would text again and this pattern continued for some years.

I can only speak for myself when I say that the mails almost always started when I felt low, it was like the loss of this particular guy resurfaced. He had a magnetic draw and I loved him so much at one time that I really didn't want the finality of the last email, the last contact. In saying that, there was no way I was going back there. So many people use the expression that something or other 'meant nothing' and in my case, I can honestly say, the mails were nostalgic, sorrowful, regret for so many years wasted, regret for the younger me who shouldn't have been on the receiving end of his emotional abuse. If anything after an 'episode' of mails, I felt a sense of relief that I had broken away from a very toxic relationship.

Only you know what your current relationship is like, and if your DP has positive feelings towards his ex but I firmly believe someone can email infrequently without there being feelings involved.

Nicebucket Fri 04-Nov-16 06:35:54

He just wished her a happy birthday

The email was not in English (they are both from Hungary) so I can't be sure of the contents.

But apparently he wished her happy birthday and she said thank you, there was no other conversation.

I just don't understand WHY he would do something like this.

Why.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe Fri 04-Nov-16 06:42:50

just don't understand WHY he would do something like this.

Might it be because it was her birthday? Why else would he do it?

It's not like he emailed her to say he hopes she'll reconsider the separation and will she have his children, please?

GirlInASwirl Fri 04-Nov-16 06:50:14

Only you can decide if you find it forgiveable or not OP. I think some back tracking as to how you made original decision for him not to contact the ex. Where you in a good, reasonable state of mind at the time? There sounds like their is something in that relationship that you cannot tolerate. He made an agreement with you, which he has now broken. Are you willing to dig in your heels to get compliance or are you already too tired and unsettled in the relationship.

OllyBJolly Fri 04-Nov-16 06:59:01

Geez - YAB wildly U if that's all the email said! You can't wipe people out of history. He did a nice thing, she thanked him.

You're devastated? It really doesn't sound healthy.

Palomb Fri 04-Nov-16 07:02:09

You feel devastated because your boyfriend sent his ex an email saying happy birthday?

How old are you for goodness sake? Get a grip of yourself.

BubbleGumBubble Fri 04-Nov-16 07:08:41

You say he was in a controlling relationship...... are your own actions not controlling too?

Wishing somebody happy birthday is not a crime but you clearly dont trust him.
Maybe he feels enough time has passed and he does not harbour any ill feelings towards her and wanted to show it.

End your relationship before you become the crazy ex.

SpunkyMummy Fri 04-Nov-16 07:08:43

You have to decide whether this is something you can forgive or not.

But if it's really just birthday wishes...?

It seems like they've known each other for a long time. So, maybe it really was just an automatic reaction?

BrickInTheWall Fri 04-Nov-16 07:12:40

Boldog Szulinapot
Köszonöm

That is Happy Birthday and Thank you in Hungarian, is that what the email says?
My hungarian is not brilliant but if there something your not sure about I may be able to get a jist of it. Or Im sure we actually have a prolific hungarian member.. Zing something maybe??

SpunkyMummy Fri 04-Nov-16 07:14:30

Btw, if I had to promise DH to never talk to any of my exes again I'd be incredibly angry. He doesn't get to decide who I talk to.

My last boyfriend (the one I had before DH) and I are actually still friends. We still see each other quite often, mainly because we had the same circle of friends during university...

I know, you DP broke a promise, it's reasonable to be upset because of this, and you are the one that has to decide whether you can forgive him.
However, whilst he is obviously free to decide whether he wants to have any kind of contact with her ever again I don't think you should have a lot/any say in this. Deciding who somebody can talk to... idk, it sounds incredibly controlling.

knaffedoff Fri 04-Nov-16 07:18:31

*However a few months later, they were pretty much over, she just hadn't moved out. We ended up having sex after a drunk night out (not classy, I know) and she moved out the day she found out. *

Sounds like you played a hand in their relationship ending, perhaps she is merely returning the favour hmm

Liiinoo Fri 04-Nov-16 07:18:32

I think you are unconsciously aware of the adage 'if he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you' so you are (possibly also unconsciously) just waiting for him to cheat on you. That has made you controlling and suspicoos (rather like his ex). This shows a fundamental lack of trust that is going to put a huge strain on you and on your relationship. Perhaps it would be better to end it sooner rather than later.

Another way of thinking might be to say that he seems to have a pattern of looking outside his current relationship for emotional comfort and fulfilment so you and his ex had cause to be controlling and suspicious - in which case better to end it sooner than later.

Sending a birthday greeting to an ex is forgivable, IMO but things do not look promising for the long term future of your relationship. You need someone you trust.

bluecashmere Fri 04-Nov-16 07:20:17

The problem here is that you got into a relationship with someone who hadn't had time to get over and move on from their previous relationship. You shouldn't be insisting on no contact which means not even an email to wish someone happy birthday. That is a bit OTT. If you can't trust him, for whatever reason, get out of the relationship.

ChuckGravestones Fri 04-Nov-16 07:21:41

I have atleast 5 exes on facebook and wish them all happy birthdyas on, well, their birthdays. One of them is tomorrow. However none of the ones i am friends with took belongings and selfies and sat in parks waiting for me. The one that was unhinged, i would never contact again.

It is a question of balance. Only you know if it is a dealbreaker or not.

tinkywinkyslover Fri 04-Nov-16 07:23:11

He's obviously still hooked on her psychologically

perditalost Fri 04-Nov-16 07:23:52

You all sound very young and immature. Are you teenagers/at university?

People are not property. You don't own them. You cant control what they do.

You need to step away and think about this logically. You sound irrational.

SpareASquare Fri 04-Nov-16 07:31:30

He slept with someone whilst with her, then slept with you whilst with her. Cant see why you'd be distrustful confused

You say the ex was controlling (on his word, I assume) but you seem just as controlling.

Goingtobeawesome Fri 04-Nov-16 07:41:05

No man is worth losing your mind and stability over.

SlottedSpoon Fri 04-Nov-16 07:58:52

I just don't understand WHY he would do something like this.

Why.

I am getting the impression that you are perhaps young and very inexperienced in relationships. Read what Flora said again and really think about it. I have been in exactly the same situation and I could have written her post.

Even when a relationship has been volatile and unhealthy the overwhelming feelings that a first serious love can have on you can take years to get out of your system. Just because he can acknowledge that the relationship was dysfunctional doesn't mean he can just switch off the memories of the happy times he had with her, especially if they were together for years rather than months.

All he did was wish her Happy Birthday and presumably say he hoped she was happy and doing well. I don't think there is any harm in that, or at least it is totally understandable even if it was inadvisable.

However a few months later, they were pretty much over, she just hadn't moved out. We ended up having sex after a drunk night out (not classy, I know) and she moved out the day she found out.

However even after she moved out and him and I became a couple, she deliberately continued to cause a lot of problems in our relationship.

You talk an awful lot about how their relationship was in crisis and 'pretty much over' but the thing is, is wasn't actually over, was it? They still lived together and were just taking their time to finally dismantling things and come to terms with the fact that it needed to end. Again, I can completely identify with that because it happened to me.

So perhaps the reason she 'pulled stunts' and 'continued to cause problems' in your relationship was because to her, you were the OW, the ONS, he was a cheater and she was the one with the 'relationship.' Can you honestly say you'd just pack your bags and walk away quietly with no emotional phone calls and give him no grief if you lived with him and he did the same thing to you?

You talk about her being controlling, but I think you sound rather controlling when you say

him and I had an agreement that he wouldn't ever contact her again for any reason.

That sounds to me that you laid down the law that he should not contact her, because you feel jealous and insecure about her. Quite honestly, if you shouldn't have needed to do that. Ultimately he will be where he wants to be, because he wants to be there, not because you tell him he must.

It is entirely possible to want to contact an ex on their birthday and wish them well without wanting to jump back into bed with them.

Gazelda Fri 04-Nov-16 08:12:17

For me, that message and reply wouldn't bother me.
But it obviously bothers you, which is the point.
How long have you two been together?

TheNaze73 Fri 04-Nov-16 08:16:41

This wouldn't bother the vast majority of people, if anyone tried to control what ex's, I could wish happy birthday to, they'd soon become the next ex, due to their controlling behaviour.
However, you can't argue a feeling & if this makes you feel bad, then you need to end it but, maybe have some counselling about your insecurity

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