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(38 Posts)
ElectricMelon Thu 03-Nov-16 15:36:35

I know this is a trivial problem but my mum died a few weeks ago and usually I would have phoned her up and have a moan but I have no one now and this stupid thing has really got to me.

Bit of a backstory: ex left 2 weeks before I gave birth for OW. He didn't see Dd until she was about 9 months old (he didn't register her birth with me so isn't on her BC) and then when he started seeing her it was as and when he wanted, usually just 3 or 4 hours a week. I always had to rearrange plans for him and the reason he barely saw her was because getting his life how he wanted and put Dd on the back burner whilst he did this.

Dd is 3 in December so she has only had three Christmases and Birthdays before. The first one she was a newborn and he didn't bother with her. The second one her dad was working both days so he didn't see her. The third one I offered to split the days with him but he was busy and had her Christmas eve and the day after her birthday.

Now he has bought a house with the OW, got settled in his new job and got his life how he wants it he decided to step up and threatened to take me to court for 50/50. He believes I have no rights as courts favour fathers now and that he will be guaranteed at least 50/50 probably more.

I never gave into his demands and slowly but surely we have built up contact to EOW and every Sunday all day. So I barely get any leisure time with Dd and we rarely do fun stuff because I work through the week. I hate it but I want her to have a relationship with her dad and weekends are the only days he is apparently free to have her. Not sure how he thinks 50/50 would work if that's the case. I think this is the best amount of contact for now and am open to it changing as Dd gets older and builds more of a relationship with him.

If he asks for Dd on a day that isn't 'his' I rarely say no to him same with his mum. I let his mum have Dd when she likes.

Last year he had Dd on Halloween and took her trick or treating and last year he had her on Bonfire night and brought her home at 7 as her bedtime is 7:30.

This year she was invited to a party on Halloween which finished at 6:30 so when he asked me the night before if he could take her trick or treating and I said no, his nose was put out of joint and he made a point of asking for a photo of her dressed up seen as though he would be 'missing out as usual'.

Today he messaged me asking if he could have her on Saturday night (Bonfire night). It isn't 'his' Saturday with her and I did make plans for my dad to come over for tea after work and to have some little fireworks in the garden for Dd. I said he can have her until 7 and explained I have plans. He asked to have her until 8 because he wants to take her to a bonfire. I said no because I already have plans and I don't want her going to bed really late because she is grumpy the next day. He royally kicked off and said I was selfish and I always get first dibs of all the special occasions and he is sick of it. He said I can have my dad over anytime and have fireworks.

All of the 'special occasions' I have shared with him or at least offered to and been declined!

He started with the whole 50/50 crap again and said I need to realise he has equal rights to Dd and I am not in charge. He said I am stuck in the 90's if I think he won't be able to get 50/50 as courts now favour dads and I would be laughed out of court for the amount of contact I give him. I said go for it then because I am fed up of him threatening me all the time and would prefer something set in stone. He said the courts care more about what fathers want and I said no they care about the DC's and don't give a damn about the parents feelings or what the parent's think they are entitled to. He told me I was talking out of my arse and so was whichever solicitor told me all this crap.

I stopped rising to him and said you can have her until 7 or not at all, it's up to you but I'm not arguing about it anymore and he put the phone down on me.

Am I such an unreasonable cow for letting him have at such short notice, rearranging my plans and not wanting to mess with her bedtime?

MillionToOneChances Thu 03-Nov-16 15:53:45

YANBU at all. You need 50% of weekend time, too!

MillionToOneChances Thu 03-Nov-16 15:54:19

And don't change your plans short notice, you have a right to make and keep plans.

TheNaze73 Thu 03-Nov-16 15:56:26

YANBU, he's a self centered tit.

Sorry for your loss btw

Amithenormalone Thu 03-Nov-16 15:59:46

YANBU at all. And to add that it's a load of rubbish that courts take dad's side. Courts do what's best for dcs not parents as you said. Also his name not being on birth certificate won't help him. He needs to prove himself to courts that he's a responsible parent and that he's regularly invalved what he's currently doing isn't really as he's only really involved to suit himself not your dd.

pipsqueak25 Thu 03-Nov-16 15:59:54

as he seems so sure he's got 'more rights nowadays', suggest that he takes it to court to sort out if he feels it's unfair. you are right it is about the needs of the child.

Amithenormalone Thu 03-Nov-16 16:00:11

BTW sorry for your loss flowers

pipsqueak25 Thu 03-Nov-16 16:01:52

amith is right he will need to do a bit of boot licking with the courts, you are the consistant parent in dd's life that counts for shed loads.

Allthebestnamesareused Thu 03-Nov-16 16:02:10

I think it highly unlikely that 50/50 would be granted to a father who has never in fact lived with his child in a family setting. It is more usual where there has been an actual family situation which has broken down than a man who runs off with someone when there is a newborn.

However, perhaps get some advice and just tell him you will stick to the eow arrangements.

ChicRock Thu 03-Nov-16 16:08:28

What a knob.

It's extremely unlikely that in your scenario he'd get anything even approaching 50/50 contact.

Whenever he starts banging on about cjury just keep repeating "do whatever you feel you need to do, I'll look forward to hearing from your solicitor". He won't do anything, he's a bullshitter.

I hope he's paying to support his child.

Bluntness100 Thu 03-Nov-16 16:09:31

Sorry about uour mum, and his behaviour on leaving uou is shit in terms of timing,

However,,,,of course you're not being unreasonable, but he does have rights and as the two of you are unable to manage this amicably, I think it's going to end up in court, this is probably for the best as it takes these petty arguments away,

bluecashmere Thu 03-Nov-16 16:25:10

You will be better off if this goes to mediation / court because he will be forced into a schedule rather than what suits him. 50/50 is granted where it works for the children and they have a well established relationship where they have lived with both parents. At best he will get EOW and a day midweek. There can also be set arrangements for key dates like Christmas so you don't have to argue about these. Don't give in to his requests. It sets a bad precedent and while you think you are helping the situation by avoiding conflict you are showing him he can bully his way into getting what he wants.

redexpat Thu 03-Nov-16 16:28:05

He has no right to see dd. Dd has a right to a relationship with her Dad. Big difference.

teenyrabbit Thu 03-Nov-16 16:42:39

YANBU. I think you're being fair with your schedule now. Considering he didn't bother for God knows how long.

Usually I'm all in favour of 50/50 contact, but this guy sounds like he's doing it to show ow what a gooooood daddy he is, when in reality he isn't and seems he only gives a shit now, and then only on special occasions.

Courts don't favour dads, they favour good parents who have the best intentions for their child. Given his history, I think it's probably unlikely he'd get 50/50.

Could you alter the contact so he just gets eow and one or two nights in the week? Make sure you send him an email with what contact is now, what you're proposing and let him either accept that, or refuse it.

If he refuses it I would carry on what you're doing now and stop swapping days (unless very good reason ie illness or something) and let him take you to court. Because you'd have evidence that he'd basically refused reasonable contact, I doube they'd give him 50/50.

ElectricMelon Thu 03-Nov-16 17:02:42

Thanks all. I have explained all this to him but he thinks he is right and that he will automatically be granted 50/50 just because he is Dd's other parent.

I have also been told by my solicitor that he will more than likely get the same contact her is already getting if it goes to court and would not get 50/50 with Dd being so young and him not ever living with her.

If he had been there from day one and been a proper dad then 50/50 would probably be happening right now but as it stands without the courts getting involved I will not be splitting our time 50/50 as I don't think it will be in Dd's best interests. I know for a fact he will just palm her off on his mum anyway.

He has also been getting Dd to call his gf mummy and telling her she has two mummies but can only ever have one daddy confused

I try to be fair and put my feelings to the side and try to do what I think is best for Dd but he always picks fault and acts like I am a horrible unreasonable person when he doesn't get his own way

bluecashmere Thu 03-Nov-16 17:10:52

You don't need to explain anything to him. He won't listen. You don't need to justify yourself to him as you are doing nothing wrong. Let him take it to court. The judge will say the same as you and he won't be able to argue with it.

Isawthepigsfly Thu 03-Nov-16 17:12:54

Stand your ground. Tell him to crack on if that's the route he feels is best and then don't engage further.

Don't be obstructive but don't let him walk all over you either. He sounds like he's all talk. Keep all communication to show your solicitor, try to keep it all electronically. Courts don't like parents threatening the other when they don't get their own way.

Peanutandphoenix Thu 03-Nov-16 17:18:51

YADNBU he is acting like a twat courts don't favour fathers at all he's chatting out of his ass for a kick off before he even gets 50/50 of anything the courts would want him to prove that he's the father because he's not on the birth certificate which means that he technically has no rights at all to his DD. Don't give in to his bullying demands and just stick to your plans for the weekend. Let him take you to court if he really wants to at least then you would have contact written down and he can't chop and change it to suit his needs.

Bestthingever Thu 03-Nov-16 17:26:24

It's probably in your best interests to get something formal in place because he's just messing you around and I imagine it is stressful for you. I'm sorry for your loss. You must miss having a mum to talk to.

DearMrDilkington Thu 03-Nov-16 17:35:31

The fact his behaving like this just after you've lost you mother speaks absolute volumes. What an absolute knob he is.
Let the absolute waste of space take you to court. He will be ripped to shreds.

So sorry to hear about your mum.flowers

mysistersimone Thu 03-Nov-16 18:42:58

Document everything and keep it and stay calm in your correspondence.

I think you're being generous with contact, why is it fair you don't have a while whole weekend to yourself?? And as for him asking your daughter to call his girlfriend mummy I'm disgusted. It's emotional blackmail and for me that is evidence of his new found daddy enthusiasm being to impress.

My condolences on the loss of your mum, I hope you have love and support in your life

ImperialBlether Thu 03-Nov-16 18:55:19

I think you need to reassess - you only have your daughter for two days out of eight at the weekend? That isn't on.

I hate to say it but it sounds as though his gf is egging him on with this - calling herself 'mummy' is absolutely outrageous.

Hold tight on Christmas, too - you have all the hard work with your daughter all year round - she should be spending Christmas with you.

Shurelyshomemistake Thu 03-Nov-16 19:24:46

What a prize knob. Court blah yeah yeah yeah. He very definitely hasn't taken legal advice has he?? Has he even heard of the paramountcy principle?? Nope, he is talking out of his ass.

Was he a controlling bully when you were together??

ElectricMelon Thu 03-Nov-16 20:34:35

mysistersimone ImperialBlether I know, I really am considering swapping the Sunday for one or two week nights because I feel like do all the shitty parts and he gets all the rewards but according to him it's me who gets all the rewards and he the hard done by one. I especially enjoyed Dd projectile vomiting last night and keeping me up all night and me having to get up at 5am to steam clean all the carpets and mattresses and do two loads of sick covered bedding and towels. I clearly do get all the good parts confused

Shurelyshomemistake he certainly was. He was emotionally abusive and really ground me down to the point of me feeling worthless and wanting to end my own life as soon as Dd was born. Thankfully once Dd was born I didn't feel the same way. He would call me names, say people said this horrible thing about me and that horrible thing about me, he used to say I was mental and needed locking up because I have panic attacks and anxiety and tell me that other guys would never find me attractive but luckily for me he didn't go for looks. I also got accused of sleeping with everyone and would be bombarded with texts and calls if I dared to go out with friends.

He is really charming and people who meet him think he is this lovely, polite young man and believe every word he says but in reality he is manipulative liar and a bully but no one sees it and my whole family were shocked when we split and I told them what he was like.

I think he genuinely believes that he will use his looks and charm his way through the courts and get what he wants hmm

Allthewaves Thu 03-Nov-16 20:46:58

You need a year plan. Work out all the special occasions for the year and who's days they fall on. Then split them up and email them to him, saying the following year they can be reversed so its year about.

Keep calm. Shows your being level headed and reasonable

And we'll done for agreeing to custody arrangement you have. It might be hard but I think your doing the best for your child

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