AIBU on house guest etiquette?

(92 Posts)
Rudolphthered Thu 03-Nov-16 14:37:22

First time on here so please be kind! I know this is trivial but it really gets to me. Family help us out with childcare in addition to DD's nursery days but when it's the turn of my FIL I find it hard to bite my tongue.

I fully appreciate the favour he is doing for us, but find he acts differently at ours to when he's in his own home. MIL was the same when she helped out - which almost led to divorce!!

He always comes down the night before which wasn't originally agreed, but fine went along with that. For a slim man he eats a LOT! He will happily eat through all our cheese, fruit and veg. I'm not always around but he has never once asked if it's OK. To me this seems rude. On one occasion he'd eaten at lunch what I was going to give DD for tea..... I hadn't had time to go shopping (I work), so had to think quickly!

He never arrives with food or drink but expects evening meal and wine. We don't pay him so you could argue that's fair enough. But once or twice as a gesture of goodwill would be nice.

He also has habit of leaving all kitchen cupboard doors and drawers open. Will spill stuff on floor and leave for me to clean up. Generally there are poo crumbs left on loo seat (!!!!!) and toothpaste all over towel. Never seen any of this at theirs. Although I don't inspect the towels or loose 😄😄

He has a bad habit of undermining me with my DD. His childcare is OK but very patchy when comes to food etc.. he's not aggressive just passive aggressive maybe?

I can't talk about it with DH as I'm told I'm ungrateful and rude. Like I said it's all small stuff but it's been building up all year!

He's also failed to mention to me when DD has fallen over. Am not going to have a go at him because accidents happen. But seriously? How us he being responsible?

Sorry for rant! Don't think he likes me a great deal. 99% sure he didn't speak to me on our wedd8ng day...

expatinscotland Thu 03-Nov-16 14:40:00

FFS, get a childminder.

mouldycheesefan Thu 03-Nov-16 14:40:52

Pay for alternative childcare. It would do my head in I couldn't stand it.

Cocochoco Thu 03-Nov-16 14:41:34

Sometimes the first poster says all that is necessary

ThatGingerOne Thu 03-Nov-16 14:41:42

YABU you're getting free childcare. I'm sure it would be more expensive to hire a childminder than feed your FIL.

fitzbilly Thu 03-Nov-16 14:42:27

Agree with expat

Soubriquet Thu 03-Nov-16 14:43:39

The poo crumbs is not on. Neither is not telling you when your child has been hurt but everything else...

It's free child care. Suck it up.

KayTee87 Thu 03-Nov-16 14:43:51

As others have said pay a childminder, nursery or nanny.

bumsexatthebingo Thu 03-Nov-16 14:45:15

I would assume MIL cleans up after him at home. I think YABU to expect him to bring his own food though when he's providing you with free childcare. What was he supposed to eat for lunch? Did you tell him you were planning on using the food for tea?
I wouldn't expect to be informed of every knock and scrape your dd has either unless she hit her head badly or something.
If you don't like it then you will have to pay someone for childcare is what it boils down to I'm afraid.

luckylucky24 Thu 03-Nov-16 14:46:15

Here on MN you have to be grateful for free childcare and accept any unreasonable behaviour as payment for their service.
In the real world you can be both grateful and a little frustrated!

I didn't really like the way my MIL looked after our son but as she was doing it for free I bit my tongue. Now I am on mat leave though she doesn't have him as often although she likes to make me feel guilty about this.

Onnapostit Thu 03-Nov-16 14:46:28

Yeah, just get professional childcare. I don't have family near me (or indeed any that would have been willing to childmind for me, so used a very good nursery. I much prefer it that way. I get educated, first aid trained professionals.

We are far from loaded and the fees have been a struggle - I pretty much work to pay the rent and the nursery fees and have enough for a small grocery shop left over for the month. We live off DP's salary. But it was worth it for the peace of mind and not having people undermine your parenting preferences.

paxillin Thu 03-Nov-16 14:46:36

I can't talk about it with DH as I'm told I'm ungrateful and rude That's because it would be ungrateful and rude to stop the man eating or to make him clear your kitchen if he's babysitting for you.

He really does not need to bring his food. His goodwill gesture is free childcare, no need for food and wine. If you pay him the £10/hour a babysitter would get it would of course be different. But I still feed the babysitter, even if I pay them.

cantpickusername Thu 03-Nov-16 14:46:54

I agree with expat. Suck it up or pay a childminder.

legotits Thu 03-Nov-16 14:47:36

That isn't a house guest it's unpaid employee grin

luckylucky24 Thu 03-Nov-16 14:47:51

You should accept him eating your food though as he is in your house. Maybe ask him to watch her at his instead?

bumsexatthebingo Thu 03-Nov-16 14:51:04

legotits I thought houseguest was a bit of a strange definition as well. When I have houseguests I tend to run around after them making them food and drinks and generally trying to be a good host. I don't go out to work and leave my kids with them. That's a babysitter - not a houseguest!

rachelamy Thu 03-Nov-16 14:52:37

that would absolutely drive me mad! doesn't matter if he is getting paid or not. basic manners cost nothing. i would try and calmly discuss it with your OH and explain you are grateful but it's making more work for you!

paxillin Thu 03-Nov-16 14:52:47

As for eating for his lunch what your dd should have had for dinner, provide him with an adequate lunch so he doesn't have to forage.

monkeywithacowface Thu 03-Nov-16 14:56:51

Whenever MIL helps out with childcare it turns into a ball ache. Guess what? I pay for a childminder.

If I lived far enough away to warrant staying overnight to provide childcare I would expect to be fed!

If I was babysitting and the child fell over unless there was an obvious injury I probably wouldn't mention it either!

Delatron Thu 03-Nov-16 14:57:32

Does he travel down the night before to avoid an early start?

What would you like him to do for his meals? Eat out? Otherwise he is bound to have to look through your cupboards and unless you tell him he won't know what is out of bounds.

Jackie0 Thu 03-Nov-16 14:58:13

These situations rarely work .
I'm sure it's not a bundle of laughs for him either.
You need childcare you pay for childcare

EweAreHere Thu 03-Nov-16 14:59:47

Your DH told you you're being ungrateful and rude?

I assume he's cleaning up the mess HIS Father is leaving behind then, right?

And he's doing the shopping to make up for all the disappearing food?

If he's not, stop doing it ALL right now and tell him he can sort it after his father has been round to 'help'.

ItsJustNotRight Thu 03-Nov-16 15:00:06

How much would you pay a childminder? More than the value of the food he eats? Definitely being unreasonable. If you want it done your way, pay someone and then you are in control. I think you've got a blooming cheek actually, I'm surprised he's still doing it for you.

NerrSnerr Thu 03-Nov-16 15:02:28

I agree with expat. Get a childminder if it's not working from your perspective.

YelloDraw Thu 03-Nov-16 15:08:28

You want him to come and babysit for free, but you don't want to feed him.

Check yourself!

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