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to want to see my sisters and their children?

(13 Posts)
stripeytshirts Thu 03-Nov-16 13:21:48

I am the youngest of four girls and being the youngest I have always looked up to my older sisters. The two oldest ones are technically half sisters as we have different dads, but I've only ever seen them as full sisters because I've only ever known life with them in it.

The eldest two are wonderful women, very nice and polite. They live a good drive away and we all have children, so seeing each other takes a bit of organizing and communications. They used to reach out to me when I was younger, but now it is one-way and I am calling/texting them to initiate something, and mostly the answer is no. And I'm not on their case all the time, or trying to guilt-trip into seeing me - I'm walking on eggshells because one false move; and they could sever all ties.

They are genuinely busy. But I am also busy. We just have different priorities and I think the truth is that they avoid me. They plan to do things together with their children, so its not a complete rejection of 'family' - it's just me.

When I do finally see them it's really nice, I think for everyone not just me. But its so hard-won, I feel funny inside, like I have forced myself on them.

I've looked at myself a lot, all the negative things I've ever done, behavioral traits that might put them off, or any hangover from being a baby of the family. But no matter how calm, and upbeat, positive, kind, generous, helpful, listening etc I am now as an adult - I am just not someone they seem interested in.

I wish I could say I did a shit on their wedding dress or something to explain their repellance to me, but I didn't.

I tried talking to them years ago asking if there was a reason for this distance I feel, but it went down badly and made them more distant. They don't like emotions or tricky conversations and this one is definitely not allowed.

I can't change them or their attitude towards me. I think in my heart of hearts I know they see me as 'just a half sister' and too much like my dad - a man they hate (I can't say I like him much myself tbh).

But the question is what do I do now? I love them and their kids too much to give up and not see them anymore, but it hurts like buggery to keep trying and feel like a pest, a loser, a mud-blooded half-being, and it's taking its toll on my self-esteem.

TheCatsBiscuits Thu 03-Nov-16 14:14:01

What about the third sister? Does she have the same parents as you? Do they behave the same way towards her?

missmollyhadadolly Thu 03-Nov-16 14:16:49

stripey flowers

This is so familiar to me. I'm the youngest of 4 sisters and I get treated the same way.

I've been low contact with 2 sisters for the past 4 years. I thought that things were getting better recently as they became more involved in my life but recent events have brought home to me that a sincere reconciliation may never be possible.

In their eyes, I am too 'modern', have too many friends, too 'independent'. If they had these thoughts but could accept me as I am, it might be ok, but they don't. Apparently I have to accept that I am the brunt of all family problems and disputes. That relations with everyone will magically improve if I accept that I am the troublemaker and be one like them.

I'm beginning to realise a relationship with my sisters at any cost is not worth it. I know that if I become what they want, they will just find new faults in me. Put simply, I am their scapegoat.

You can't change their attitudes. And the problem is with them, not you. The issues they have with you are a reflection of them. I think you need to let them go.

LunaLoveg00d Thu 03-Nov-16 14:18:25

My sister and I live at the opposite ends of the country to each other. We see each other once or twice a year, I haven't spoken to her in months. Just because we are related doesn't mean we have much in common, and she is busy getting on with her life and I'm busy getting on with mine.

I don't think you need to think of yourself as "repellent" in any way - not every family lives in each other's pockets and wants to be involved in every aspect of siblings' lives, there's nothing wrong with wanting a closer or more distant relationship.

LunaLoveg00d Thu 03-Nov-16 14:20:11

And the problem is with them, not you. The issues they have with you are a reflection of them. I think you need to let them go.

There might be no problem at all though - just a mismatch in how close a relationship each party expects and wants.

hoddtastic Thu 03-Nov-16 14:21:16

this resonates here too with 'full sisters' when reading the OP i was wondering if it's a different life stage thing (but then referred back to my own set up and we've all got kids across the age groups)

I wish i knew what to say, try to manage your expectations, they don't have to hang out with you because you're sisters, and if they don't want to then it's not your fault and try and move back from seeking their approval (for want of a better word)

AlexaTwoAtT Thu 03-Nov-16 14:22:09

My sister is my best friend. We live far apart but we are very close in every other way. I love her so much.

Mamatallica Thu 03-Nov-16 14:23:47

Just because people are related to you, they don't have to like you. Maybe it's time to cut your losses and stop trying to force a family dynamic that just isn't there. Concentrate on your friends who you get on with and have things in common with.

Manumission Thu 03-Nov-16 14:24:16

flowers

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Thu 03-Nov-16 14:27:01

They could just not be family people. I'm not. That we share blood lines doesn't make me want to spend time with them. We are all very different people, and if we weren't related, I wouldn't be in contact with most of them. DP's family, on the other hand, are much more my mind of people and I would say I'm friends with them.

Don't take it personally OP, they may be wrapped up in their own lives and not know how hurt you are.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 03-Nov-16 14:32:15

Can you send them a letter based around your OP?
It might help them to see things from your side.
I have 2 older half sisters who are just like my real sister.
We all have busy lives and one lives abroad so we don't catch up a lot but we do get together and all get on great.
All our kids are grown up now as well so we don't make the effort we used to.
Write it out for them.
Let them digest it and maybe discuss it amongst themselves then see where it goes from there.
I love all my sisters so can't imagine what this must feel like.

RebelSoldier Fri 04-Nov-16 10:48:03

Post this in relationships perhaps? You deserve more replies.

I'm sorry that they've cut themselves off.

Why do you feel they could sever all ties?

We can't force people to meet us.

Find new friends closer to you and stick with them.

You've obviously tried hard, what more can you do?

There's nothing that you've done that has caused this - don't dig too deep into your being and try to find something - it's clearly them. Don't ever think it's your fault. It really isn't.

One of my brothers has cut himself off from other siblings. His choice. No reason between us siblings why he should do this. It's sad for the cousins of course.

Sorry they've been like this with you xx

RebelSoldier Fri 04-Nov-16 10:49:55

(xpost - The first line of my post was written where I could only see one reply. Glad others replied)

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