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AIBU?

To Pay £850 for dsd's second accident this year

156 replies

taxiforme · 03/11/2016 10:12

Dsd 19 passed her test recently.Took 4 goes to get it. She was bought a car (not new, 09 plate) with money that dh and ex had put by for all kids for uni- but she is doing college and apprenticeship later instead. She doesn't need a car imho as we live in a large commuter village with great links. The deal is, that she has to insure, tax, repair and fuel it.

Day after her test she backed into someone's brand new car. Cosmetic damage to her bumper, other car came off worse. Last week told by her mum not a great idea to drive to this particular shop at rush hour as it's off a major motorway and she would have to negotiate a 5 lane off motorway roundabout. Advice ignored, she went with her friend. We understand possibly panicked and got into the wrong lane, then through a red light and hit the broadside of another car. It's an insurance job. Her excess is £850. She and her friend (and the other driver) were fine, just shaken.

She also had to have a new expensive part fitted (before the accident) her mum paid for -£250.

Cut to last night. Dh asks me what are we going to do about the insurance bill? I say it's her problem as per the agreement. She doesn't have £850...he says. She works pt for a vairy naice supermarket, so she will just have to do extra shifts in the lead up to Xmas, says I.

We agreed to have a chat with her (she usually lives at her mums but popped up. We also wanted to make sure she was ok, too). She comes in and starts on her birthday party plans... dh waffles about focus.....she starts looking at her phone, then doing her nails..and when I actually mention "where are you going to get the £850 to pay for the car?" ....shrug.....

When a plan is put about us paying and her setting up a direct debit for £200 per month ...by doing extra shifts the response is "what about my social life..??!!!"

I was mad..if she had, realising the cost of the repairs, got herself up and made arrangements to work extra shifts to try and make things good I would have been happy to give her the money, shit happens to kids.

Also...

She is going on a very expensive college trip early next year (NY) her gran has given her some of the money and it looks like her mum is lending her the rest.

When she left I was . At the shrug, the loss of social life comment, that she didn't even have the manners to listen when we weren't talking about her birthday.

Dh and I are now at loggerheads. He seems to think we have no choice but to pay for her. I disagree, she can use the bus ect. It does not get repaired until she can pay. To me, there appears no commitment by her to paying it back. In any event, I doubt the renewal will be affordable when it comes next year...

Husband waffling about focus to her...aibu to say focus on this - tough shit..you are an adult and adults have to go without a social life to pay the bills.

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/11/2016 10:20

This will be tough, because either you or DH will have to compromise a lot -there's no real middle ground here.

DSD sounds like she's very used to people stepping in to help so that she doesn't have responsibilities, so whilst it's frustrating, it's understandable that she's expecting someone to do the same here - and your DH is proving the point, he's willing to cover the excess.

At 19, she's a bit old to be having the realisation that she has to prioritise and take responsibility for herself, but equally you can't be the person to drive that because you're outnumbered. It sounds like her mum and dad will continue to shelter her from responsibility and adulthood, potentially along with her gran, so it'd never work and you'd just damage relationships.

How recently did she pass? Two accidents is quite a lot if it was recent, especially two accidents involving other cars. It might be a good thing if her insurance goes up so that she's now uninsurable for a while, although will DH and exw just cover it? Or does she then get endless lifts? She doesn't seem especially bothered about losing the car.

How much is reasonable depends on how easy it'll be to get shifts at work, I think, but you could try suggesting that whatever she raises over the next month you'll double, and she can pay you and DH back at a slower rate? £425 seems reasonable.

Who on earth gave her an excess of £850 anyway? Given her financial situation, that was a huge indication that someone else was willing to pay it if needed (or if she set it up, that she knew someone would step in).