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To Pay £850 for dsd's second accident this year

(157 Posts)
taxiforme Thu 03-Nov-16 10:12:31

Dsd 19 passed her test recently.Took 4 goes to get it. She was bought a car (not new, 09 plate) with money that dh and ex had put by for all kids for uni- but she is doing college and apprenticeship later instead. She doesn't need a car imho as we live in a large commuter village with great links. The deal is, that she has to insure, tax, repair and fuel it.

Day after her test she backed into someone's brand new car. Cosmetic damage to her bumper, other car came off worse. Last week told by her mum not a great idea to drive to this particular shop at rush hour as it's off a major motorway and she would have to negotiate a 5 lane off motorway roundabout. Advice ignored, she went with her friend. We understand possibly panicked and got into the wrong lane, then through a red light and hit the broadside of another car. It's an insurance job. Her excess is £850. She and her friend (and the other driver) were fine, just shaken.

She also had to have a new expensive part fitted (before the accident) her mum paid for -£250.

Cut to last night. Dh asks me what are we going to do about the insurance bill? I say it's her problem as per the agreement. She doesn't have £850...he says. She works pt for a vairy naice supermarket, so she will just have to do extra shifts in the lead up to Xmas, says I.

We agreed to have a chat with her (she usually lives at her mums but popped up. We also wanted to make sure she was ok, too). She comes in and starts on her birthday party plans... hmmdh waffles about focus..envy...she starts looking at her phone, then doing her nails..and when I actually mention "where are you going to get the £850 to pay for the car?" ....shrug.....

When a plan is put about us paying and her setting up a direct debit for £200 per month doing extra shifts the response is "what about my social life..??!!!"

I was mad..if she had, realising the cost of the repairs, got herself up and made arrangements to work extra shifts to try and make things good I would have been happy to give her the money, shit happens to kids.


She is going on a very expensive college trip early next year (NY) her gran has given her some of the money and it looks like her mum is lending her the rest.

When she left I was angry. At the shrug, the loss of social life comment, that she didn't even have the manners to listen when we weren't talking about her birthday.

Dh and I are now at loggerheads. He seems to think we have no choice but to pay for her. I disagree, she can use the bus ect. It does not get repaired until she can pay. To me, there appears no commitment by her to paying it back. In any event, I doubt the renewal will be affordable when it comes next year...

Husband waffling about focus to her...aibu to say focus on this - tough are an adult and adults have to go without a social life to pay the bills.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Thu 03-Nov-16 10:20:07

This will be tough, because either you or DH will have to compromise a lot -there's no real middle ground here.

DSD sounds like she's very used to people stepping in to help so that she doesn't have responsibilities, so whilst it's frustrating, it's understandable that she's expecting someone to do the same here - and your DH is proving the point, he's willing to cover the excess.

At 19, she's a bit old to be having the realisation that she has to prioritise and take responsibility for herself, but equally you can't be the person to drive that because you're outnumbered. It sounds like her mum and dad will continue to shelter her from responsibility and adulthood, potentially along with her gran, so it'd never work and you'd just damage relationships.

How recently did she pass? Two accidents is quite a lot if it was recent, especially two accidents involving other cars. It might be a good thing if her insurance goes up so that she's now uninsurable for a while, although will DH and exw just cover it? Or does she then get endless lifts? She doesn't seem especially bothered about losing the car.

How much is reasonable depends on how easy it'll be to get shifts at work, I think, but you could try suggesting that whatever she raises over the next month you'll double, and she can pay you and DH back at a slower rate? £425 seems reasonable.

Who on earth gave her an excess of £850 anyway? Given her financial situation, that was a huge indication that someone else was willing to pay it if needed (or if she set it up, that she knew someone would step in).

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Thu 03-Nov-16 10:22:29

Maybe she should sell the car to pay for the excess? (Obviously she'll have to get it fixed first, chicken egg situation).

In any event, I'd suggest she has some more lessons to get her used to more complicated driving situations.

On the whole money note, she's never going to learn the value of a pound if everyone keeps bailing her out (but you know that).

Trifleorbust Thu 03-Nov-16 10:23:12

Sounds like she is a still a child and expecting to be funded by her dad. I don't think this is a reasonable expectation but if your DP disagrees, I'm not sure how much you can do!

Mozfan1 Thu 03-Nov-16 10:25:23

As long as it doesn't affect your personal finances, I think it's probably out of your remit to have an opinion. There was A thread yesterday about a dh paying for dss to go out/ travel etc, and as step mum I'm not really sure what influence you would have, or if it's up to you. Sorry op. That's a massive excess though!!!

Megainstant Thu 03-Nov-16 10:25:23

She sounds like a terrible driver shock and dangerous too.

Her insurance premiums will be absolutely SKY HIGH! She should seriously think about selling the car.

AllTheBabies Thu 03-Nov-16 10:25:45

She should sell the car if she can't get the money any other way. No way on earth is it anyone's responsibility other than hers to pay it.

NataliaOsipova Thu 03-Nov-16 10:25:57

In any event, I doubt the renewal will be affordable when it comes next year...

This is the nub of it, I think. You're right. Maybe worth getting her to check what the insurance will be and let the grim realisation set it....? You might find she takes a different tone after that....

Megainstant Thu 03-Nov-16 10:28:40

I think a lot of teenagers think a car is like a playstation. Just another gadget that their parents pay for. Time for a wake up call!

spicyfajitas Thu 03-Nov-16 10:29:01

I think I would pay some and encourage her to pay some. 850 probably seems like a mountain thats too big to climb.
If it was me, if I'd her to come to me with a proposal. It would be the bus until she started engaging. Even if she only paid a token amount, of at least want to see some sort of thought coming from her direction.

WordGetsAround Thu 03-Nov-16 10:31:10

Agree with PP, renewal will be sky high and her driving days will be numbered. Very expensive mistake wasting that money on the (unnecessary) car in the first place. Hope her parents stop bailing her out and that you're not dragged into doing so.

Degustibusnonestdisputandem Thu 03-Nov-16 10:32:27

If the deal was she insures, taxes repairs the car then that's what she needs to do! She sounds rather an entitled madam...

DrDreReturns Thu 03-Nov-16 10:36:11

It sounds like she doesn't realise how dangerous cars can be - replace hitting a car with hitting a person! Given that I'd personally not financially support her driving at all.

MarianneSolong Thu 03-Nov-16 10:36:24

Suppose she injures or kills someone?

stolemyusername Thu 03-Nov-16 10:38:00

Not sure exactly how insurance works over there, but my DH had a minor prang recently and they wouldn't fix the other persons car until we had paid the excess. Will the non fault owner be able to get their car repaired whilst she spends her money on her social life?

Rumtopf Thu 03-Nov-16 10:39:08

I agree with you.
She is an adult, she should take responsibility and pay her own bills. Her attitude would top it off for me. You have a debt - you work your butt off to clear it and forget going out until it's done.

If your dh panders to her like this, how on earth is she ever going to learn?! Tbh it doesn't sound like she should be driving without some further lessons, especially on the motorway.

CarrotVan Thu 03-Nov-16 10:39:27

I would hold the line that it doesn't come out of your shared finances and doesn't affect your family finances by reducing your DH's contribution. After that it's up to him, if he wants to pay it from his personal finances then that's his business.

It would make sense for her to have a series of motorway/ night driving/ winter driving lessons though so she's better prepared

Discobabe Thu 03-Nov-16 10:41:35

yanbu. I'd maybe compomise on paying half (or even a qtr if you guys and mum make up that half) and she pays the other half. But I'd be telling her she bails herself out next time.

£850 is a ridiculously huge excess though and really not what you need as a new driver who is more likely to have accidents. I'm not sure my car was even worth £850 at that age lol.

Being a new driver doesn't really excuse running a red light either, the lane confusion I get but not that.

JellyBelli Thu 03-Nov-16 10:42:00

Ask her how she would react if she killed someone or put them in a wheelchair. She isnt taking driving seriously.
I wouldnt pay, but it sounds like it will cause a row with your DH so you may just have to grin and bear it.

RB68 Thu 03-Nov-16 10:42:13

yes usually their insurance covers it for them with an excess they pay (whatever is on their insurance) until they can claim back from other driver.

diddl Thu 03-Nov-16 10:43:16

I wouldn't-she went through a red light FFS.

How the hell did she pass?

BarbarianMum Thu 03-Nov-16 10:46:41

If she doesn't want to pay for the repairs at the expense of her social life she's obviously not that bothered about having a car. So let her do without - she sounds a complete menace on the roads anyway.

Maybe explain to your dp that she needs the realities of dangerous driving (ie the financial penalties) brought home to her before she kills herself or somebody else.

DoinItFine Thu 03-Nov-16 10:48:23

She shouldn't be on the road driving like that. She's lucky she didn't kill someone.

Of course she should be dealing with the very mild consequences of a potentially serious accident herself.

Her parents are doing her no favours by insulating her from the consequences of real life like this.

She's an adult now. A car is an adult responsibility. If she can't handle it, then she needs to sell it.

But getting a handout for an accident that was 100% her fault is ridiculous.

BarbaraofSeville Thu 03-Nov-16 10:49:43

Don't bail her out while she is still having holidays and a social life or else she will never learn.

On a more serious note, she sounds like a really terrible, dangerous driver.

Perhaps persuade her to have some more lessons (for the motorway?)/do a pass plus course. I'd be worried about her going out in her car and killing herself, her friends and others.

PerpetualStudent Thu 03-Nov-16 10:50:43

She sounds like an absolute liability of a driver! I YANBU

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