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Bailing out SIL

(12 Posts)
yogaandwine Wed 02-Nov-16 20:31:00

Long story but my DH has a difficult relationship with his sister. She is a single mum who takes the piss with childcare and financial support from my MIL. She goes out into town most weekends with MIL babysitting. She goes on holidays to Ibiza/Spain with her friends and her 7yo son has never been on holiday. We live in a different country so can't help out physically so DH feels extreme guilty that his mother is left to do everything.

SIL was made redundant in the summer and still has no work. MIL is paying mortgage for her and we have just found out she has also paid off the £8k car loan that SIL in had.

My DH thinks we should step in and help pay. If SIL were grateful or this was a once off I would not mind but he has helped her out with money in the past and nothing changes. I feel like we are just reinforcing her behaviour if we step in and help... AIBU??

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 02-Nov-16 20:38:24

YANBU.

DH should be feeling guilty about not helping his DM to step back from rescuing his DSis.

Help her in other ways. Review her CV or something.

JenLindleyShitMom Wed 02-Nov-16 20:41:38

My DH thinks we should step in and help pay.

Pay what? She is already getting everything paid by her mum!

Allthewaves Wed 02-Nov-16 20:42:52

No no no no no. I would offer to pay for mil to come to yours and have a holiday

justdontevenfuckingstart Wed 02-Nov-16 20:44:35

If she was struggling then I could feel a bit more. But a car loan and holidays? No. If you pay then there is no motivation for your SIL to find a job.

yogaandwine Wed 02-Nov-16 20:50:24

Rabbit we have tried to talk to MIL about her stepping back and even moving (as she is currently two streets away which makes it easy for SIL to send out nephew round).

MIL won't have any of it and says it's her duty. EVEN THOUGH MIL has openly said she hates her daughter and her life is just waiting for our nephew to grow up.

DH gets so frustrated as MIL won't do anything to change the status quo. We have taken her away this year and paid for her to fly here for 2 weeks in summer and 3 weeks over xmas. We have also offered to have our nephew over the summer holiday for a few weeks but he can't fly alone as only 7yo.

Arfarfanarf Wed 02-Nov-16 21:19:48

Is he off his bloody rocker?

Chucking yet more money at this simply ensures it will carry on. He would become part of the problem.

Better to withdraw all financial support. Let them sink. It is hard but ultimately the best course of action.

If he starts helping to plug the gap allhe is doing is making this worse

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 03-Nov-16 13:22:15

Sounds like your MIL gets off on being a martyr. Her life her choice.

Maybe you will get further if you start talking to DH more about the choices MIL is making to keep herself as a martyr, even though it stops SIL from being forced to sort her life out.

With my family I find it much easier when I've accepted their right to make stupid decisions and my right to go nowhere near it. We can even talk about the effects of their stupid ass decisions. It is much easier to do when you don't feel a need to rescue them with words or deeds from being idiots.

With other family members I like to point out that they are being arrogant and rude if they try to rescue instead of letting the other person make their own adult decisions and handle the consequences.

ENormaSnob Thu 03-Nov-16 13:37:23

Sil needs to grow the fuck up.

Enabling her bullshit will not help.

BarbarianMum Thu 03-Nov-16 13:42:45

YANBU

But paying for your mum and nephew to come over for a couple of weeks in the summer would be kind.

I do feel for your MiL though. I'm not sure I could stand by whilst my grandchild was neglected or made homeless even if I didn't want to enable their parent(s). Letting an adult sink is one thing, but the child here is very vulnerable. sad

AmeliaJack Thu 03-Nov-16 13:44:05

I wouldn't bail out SIL but I might buy some stuff for the boy, school shoes etc via MIL.

yogaandwine Thu 03-Nov-16 15:37:53

AmeliaJack that's a really nice idea. Will get onto it.

Thanks all for reassuring me. I was thinking maybe I was a bit of a heartless cow as my family are very straight down the line with money - DH thinks how we are about debt/ lending money in general is weird. But clearly I'm on the same page as you guys so I can't be that odd!

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