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to want to slap stealth virtue boasters?

(40 Posts)
aSafePlaceToRant Wed 02-Nov-16 20:05:17

I know I know - move on and think about something more productive... I am just letting off some steam here because I can't do it anywhere else!

Does anyone else have people in their life who constantly stealth boast about how they're "not very good at looking after themselves" or (over something trivial & pointless that will make them look good) "feel that no personal effort is too great despite the personal sacrifices involved" or they "always take up new & difficult challenges, no matter how hard, because they're a curious & intelligent person" or constantly talk about how they were brought up to always do their best and people who don't are selfish & lazy... etc?

Having been brought up with one of these (with the constant implication that if you didn't have self-inflicted pleurisy, weighed more than 6 stone, ate more than twice a day and EVER did anything other than sighingly martyred housework/ schoolwork, then you were a lazy selfish arse - particularly if you didn't praise the martyr constantly for her personal sacrifices) I see it as my job to lead a rounded, balanced life where I maintain sufficient distance from things that I can work out if I'm being productive or not, and adjust my input accordingly. I think as a functioning adult it's my job to look after myself and not constantly be looking for praise from others, particularly if they haven't asked me to make deep personal sacrifices on their behalf.

Have just encountered someone like this who is a new neighbour. She already drives me mad and I've only known her for 48 hours... confused ... I really need to focus on something else!

mothattack Wed 02-Nov-16 21:20:15

Argh, what a nightmare to have for a neighbour. I think you should try to stay well clear of this person and do not engage... EVER! I know someone like this and she will just do your head in if you don't keep a distance. If it is any consolation I would think she must have had quite an awful childhood to be so full of insecurities and meaness. I try to remember this and rise above it.. but gosh it is very hard to do that sometimes!

aSafePlaceToRant Wed 02-Nov-16 21:50:29

What really p*s me off is the bloody woman inflicts it on her kids too. She's already made it abundantly clear to our lovely, sensible next-door neighbours that she thinks their kids are lazy, thick slobs because they're allowed to behave like kids.

Paraphrased recent facebook status from new neighbour... (god i need to get a life but seriously here is the only place i can rant!)

"Poor darling Miss Z (4 years 8 months) is an overachiever just like her mummy. Photos from her first concert SINGING A SOLO with the cathedral choir; then doing 4 ballet performances in 2 days; then starting school, and now the poor darling is ill! It must be because she drives herself so hard and strives to achieve in all areas of endeavour. She really doesn't know how to look after herself, just too busy achieving, just like her mummy."

Or alternatively you could just be pushing a 4 year old too hard? Poor kid looks bloody miserable and exhausted... and was playing up like an attention-seeking brat when I met her yesterday... unlike the nice but underachieving next-door neighbour's 4 year old, who is laid-back and pleasant.

JenLindleyShitMom Wed 02-Nov-16 21:52:44

Oh I have a recently new FB friend who goes on like this! Different age kids though but I cringe every time I read her posts.

HateSummer Wed 02-Nov-16 21:55:02

Who the hell writes like that on Facebook? Do people really do this on there? I need more interesting friends 😔🤔

aSafePlaceToRant Wed 02-Nov-16 21:56:16

NB i have no prob with giving kids stuff to do. If new neighbour's kid genuinely wants to be singing in the cathedral's baby choir aged 4 and doing ballet at a ballet school that expects 4 year olds to do 4 performances in 2 days, then good for her and good on her parents for finding things for her to do that she enjoys.

It's just the self-regarding, attention-seeking sanctimonity that makes me want to slap the kid's mother...

Spudlet Wed 02-Nov-16 21:59:26

YANBU op. I too would like to slap such people, but I'm simply too exhausted after yet another day spent feeding the homeless, cleaning the entire house with my toothbrush, retiling my elderly neighbour's roof and taking DS to his baby Mensa sessions... alas.


rollonthesummer Wed 02-Nov-16 22:03:00

Blimey-do people really write things like that on FB?! Has anyone commented?!

StealthPolarBear Wed 02-Nov-16 22:04:01

What does mummy achieve exactly?

Selfimproved Wed 02-Nov-16 22:06:35

Most of the mums I know are the opposite e.g. saying their kids did nothing in the holidays but actually doing all the reading list plus extensions and going to maths camp and learning mandarin....

We're a tricky bunch us mums. I couldn't deal with your neighbour though. Sounds nuts.

aSafePlaceToRant Wed 02-Nov-16 22:12:36

Stealthpolarbear - well, she daily survives the identity crisis that clearly comes with having 2 kids under 5 and being an SAHM when your whole identity is built around getting praise from other people because you're just such an achiever in academic & extracurricular spheres.

Selfimproved yes that's the dynamic I grew up with (unfortunately I was one of those gullible enough to believe that other people at my school genuinely did nothing in the holidays - the pinnacle of most of my school holidays as a teenager was going food shopping in Tesco with my mother, or cataloguing the VHS tapes so we knew which ones had space left... grin)

aSafePlaceToRant Wed 02-Nov-16 22:15:26

rollonthesummer / HateSummer - she has a fawning bunch of Fb friends (thankfully i don't know any of them) regularly responding with shock and awe at all the brilliance, suggesting brilliant 4yo be taken to A&E if she is ill, etc.

I am tempted to ask below that particular Fb post if 4yo has impetigo spots the size of a Kreutzer and whether this could indicate that she is in fact a reincarnation of Mozart.

MargaretCavendish Wed 02-Nov-16 22:18:45

Oh yes, I know exactly the sort of person you mean: 'oh, my problem is that I always give too much of myself because I'm always doing things for others'. Ever notice just how frequently these people are 'putting themselves first for once'?

PortiaCastis Wed 02-Nov-16 22:25:21

Gifted and talented before birth plays the viola with grace while sitting on the po and singing the Mikado at baby group indicates a poor kid who's destined too do Mamas bidding then go off the rails asap once off to Cambridge dahling

OhTheRoses Wed 02-Nov-16 22:27:13

Heaves sigh of relief that neighbours are 80(ish) and not on facebook. Have seen the one on the left twice (in 18 months) and the one on the right thrice smile. Awfully nice women though.

ArgyMargy Wed 02-Nov-16 22:30:50

How bizarre that you've known someone for less than 48 hours, have friended her on Facebook and judged her to within an inch of her life. Why so insecure?

ItsJustNotRight Wed 02-Nov-16 22:40:27

Is this for real? I think I must live on another planet, it all sounds totally bizarre to me.

TupsNSups Wed 02-Nov-16 22:46:14

A new neighbour on FB with a post like that? Well done op for being so sociable!

PaulDacresConscience Wed 02-Nov-16 22:49:13

IKWYM. I find it baffling and amusing in equal terms. Mainly because I couldn't give two shits about the fact that she's only had 30 seconds of consecutive sleep this week, because she's been crocheting her home-made yoghurt and re-pointing the gable end at the same time.

I find myself responding by being very laconic and deadpan about my lack of effort, interest and input into anything

aSafePlaceToRant Wed 02-Nov-16 22:49:56

ArgyMargy I do take your point based on the info I gave above. It's not quite that bad, in that we did know of this woman before she moved in because of mutual extracurricular interests, thus also the facebook visibility/ friending because the extracurricular interest uses Fb a lot to get in contact with people. We had previously come across her when doing the extracurricular stuff at "away matches", without actually knowing her name. Thus getting in contact very soon after she moves in and already having the opportunity to be a judgeypants.

I'm just reacting to the self-regard, and ranting on here because it would be churlish to rant in real life. I really don't object to the fact she does stuff. It's the shoving it down others' throats and implying others are selfish & lazy that gets my goat.

WorraLiberty Wed 02-Nov-16 22:57:20

I too wondered why on earth you'd add her on FB and then take to a public forum to slag her off? confused

I get that she sounds bloody annoying < massive understatement > but...well all I can think to say is err... blimey.

aSafePlaceToRant Wed 02-Nov-16 23:07:34

PaulDacresConscience yes, exactly.

My dear martyred mother is convinced she's brought up a totally brain-dead, selfish slob because I stopped joining in the oneupmanship games decades ago. Likewise new neighbour was patronizingly congratulating me on making it out of the house to do extracurricular stuff on the grounds I clearly don't have a career or anything (because I don't talk about it and don't post about it all on Facebook). It's so relaxing not being a threat to this kind of person... grin

Bluepowder Wed 02-Nov-16 23:07:41

She sounds, umm, interesting for a neighbour. I suppose it's harmless though. People like that tend to push me to the other extreme though. I'd want to be posting pictures of us in bed really late on a Saturday morning, sharing cold pizza with the dog.

Witchend Wed 02-Nov-16 23:09:10

My experience is that the more people boast like that, the less achievement it actually was. So probably all the choir had a line to sing, and I'll bet the 4 ballet performances had less than 5 minutes plus the endless thank you speeches at the end on stage each.

Although maybe you could check the performances were spaced out enough to be legal as there is quite a lot of restrictions on under 5s on stage. In fact, I'd go as far as saying that if she was backstage the entire time for the ballet performances (ie not picked up after her one skip across stage) and she had 2 performances in one day I think it's exceedingly likely she has exceeded her time allowed. (trained chaperone)
If she had 3 performances in a day that is illegal.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve Wed 02-Nov-16 23:09:31

Yeah.....hmmm. Annoying neighbour, fb, stealth boasting, performance parenting. BINGO. You've hit the motherload op. I don't add anyone that quick on fb. This is why.

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