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To think FIL shouldn't say this about me being a working mum?

(54 Posts)
PeachBellini123 Wed 02-Nov-16 18:08:15

Happy to be told YABU as I'm 31 weeks pregnant and hormal:
We've decided that due to better money/career prospects I will go back to work full time and DH will be a stay at home dad when baby is born. I'm very fortunate that I can work from home regularly, my commute is reasonable and my company is very family friendly.

FIL has said at least twice that my DH will be both 'mum and dad' and that our baby will be confused and start calling DH 'mummy' because I'll be at work during the day.

I never know how to respond to this and DH will just ignore it and change the subject.
I've told DH that this comment makes me uncomfortable but DH thinks I'm being too sensitive.

Is it me or is this a weird thing to say to a heavily pregnant woman? He has said other things that I think are a bit bizarre but this comment has gotten to me.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Wed 02-Nov-16 18:11:06

He obviously doesn't approve of your plans and is playing mind games to try and make you rethink.

Fuck him and don't give him any headspace.

GinIsIn Wed 02-Nov-16 18:11:36

Smile sweetly and point out that if FIL carries on like that, the baby will grow up calling him 'arsehole' grin

AyeAmarok Wed 02-Nov-16 18:11:39

It's a totally bizarre and, frankly, fucking stupid comment.

He sounds like a twat.

Timeforabiscuit Wed 02-Nov-16 18:12:41

Yanbu, fil is being awful - and may well get worse after the birth.

Id keep communicating with your dh, and keep a few phrases in your back pocket the next time fil opens his mouth and stupid falls out.

JellyBelli Wed 02-Nov-16 18:13:00

So are mothers both mum and dad? He sounds very confused, poor lamb. Make sure to speak slowly, clearly and loudly when you talk to him, he is hard of understanding.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Wed 02-Nov-16 18:13:04

Fenella grin

alltouchedout Wed 02-Nov-16 18:13:09

Ask him do children with a mother at home all day start calling her daddy? No? Then why the fuck would the reverse be true?
Your FIL is a dickhead but you don't need us to tell you that!

MillionToOneChances Wed 02-Nov-16 18:13:19

So a stay at home mum is both dad and mum to the child? Rhubarb. He's just trying to express his general discomfort with a less usual choice.

ErrolTheDragon Wed 02-Nov-16 18:14:17

YANBU. Afaik kids don't get confused by a wohm dad and sahm mum and call her both mummy an daddy, so there is absolutely no logical reason why the reverse should occur. Your FIL has some outdated sexist ideas.

travellinglighter Wed 02-Nov-16 18:14:50

Just say

Well if you keep talking like that then I'm afraid I can't allow you near the baby.

Jackiebrambles Wed 02-Nov-16 18:15:31

What a twat. Feel sorry for your dh, I'm sure his father has expressed his disapproval.

Mungobungo Wed 02-Nov-16 18:16:06

Funny how innit a 'traditional' family set up (dad works, mum stays home with kids), the kids still manage to remember who is mum and who is dad....

Such an old fashioned view that your child won't know who you are because you go to work in the day. It would he prefer for his grandchild to be raised in a traditional manner, but with skint and unhappy parents?

I'd be tempted to tell him to sod off and mind his business, but I hate confrontation so I'd probably stew about it and ignore.

Mungobungo Wed 02-Nov-16 18:16:38

* in a traditional family set up

Whatsername17 Wed 02-Nov-16 18:17:04

Your fil is a dick! I'd respond with 'what did dh call you then? You know, as you were at work so mil was both mum and dad?'. Then when the inevitable sexism comment about men working and women staying at home comes out, laugh and say 'God fil I always thought you were more forward thinking than that! You sound like such a dinosaur- it's 2016!'. I'm almost 29 weeks and dh is sharing my leave with me. I'm having the first 6 months and he's having the last 3. He may then go back part time because I earn more. We've had a few comments but dh is very good at picking people up on it. His best was 'why should I miss out on the early years just because I'm the dad?'. There was no comeback there.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Wed 02-Nov-16 18:17:09

Fenella grin
He is just showing his intellectual limitations. I would treat it with the same contempt I did when my fil once asked 'how's your little job going?' hmm Unfortunately there's a lot of them about.

gunting Wed 02-Nov-16 18:17:27

Oh fuck him. We have done the exact same thing. My DS is 1 and I was a SAHM until he was 5 months and my DH left work and we swapped. It has worked perfectly and we have more money than we did when I was off. My DS and DH have a fantastic bond and they enjoy the time together.

GiddyOnZackHunt Wed 02-Nov-16 18:18:40

Is he just old fashioned or a bit of a twat generally?

PeachBellini123 Wed 02-Nov-16 18:23:33

Thanks. He is an idiot and obviously confused. I think my DH knows he's stupid but doesn't want an argument! hmm

gillybeanz Wed 02-Nov-16 18:24:05

Aw, he's just old fashioned and living in the past, you can have so much fun with this.
Ask him why on earth a man raising his children, like many do, will confuse your child.
Ask if dh was confused when he looked after his son, or was he the type not to parent. This should have the result you want.
just keep asking him questions astonishingly "What, you never looked after dh?" "How strange" etc.
Sometimes they are just ignorant twats, sometimes just old fashioned and in need of some education grin I'd educate him, every time I saw him, if it was me.

AuroraBora Wed 02-Nov-16 18:27:06

Just laugh and tell him your child will be intelligent enough to understand who's mum and dad while giving him the raised eyebrow to indicate he's being a fucking idiot.

Katy07 Wed 02-Nov-16 18:32:46

Just pat him condescendingly on the arm and sweetly say 'yes, I'm sure you're right', then turn away and "quietly" but audibly say 'poor old dear, he does seem to get more and more confused now. Perhaps we should start looking at care homes just in case? You have to feel sorry for him...' grin

SeaCabbage Wed 02-Nov-16 18:33:24

I agree with other posters. But rather than ignoring him as your DH is doing, and changing the subject, I would continue the subject. This would mean a proper conversation takes places which will only highlight your FIL's stupidity. Given the opportunity for him to state his thoughts and for you to calmly challenge them, who knows he may form new opinions. Opinions more suited to 2016.

Then again, he may just remain a very stupid and ignorant man.

dontcallmethatyoucunt Wed 02-Nov-16 18:46:22

I couldn't let it go, but then I'm always happy to argue debate.

I would certainly pull him up on it every single time.

Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse Wed 02-Nov-16 18:47:13

How old is he? Is this just generational, ie not supposed to be offensive? Don't try to find a problem where there isn't one. My MIL says weird stuff all the time, we all ignore her (politely) cos we know she's lovely but just comes from a different time tbh (I'm forties, she's about to be ninety!)

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