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To be dwelling on this comment from DP?

(13 Posts)
FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Wed 02-Nov-16 14:11:50

Background: I can't have kids. It's not a physical problem so much as a mental one. This has been fine so far as Dp has always maintained he doesn't want kids, he has one 'surprise' dc from a PR but doesn't want any more.

The other day Dp and I were messing around, tickling each other etc. He poked me in the belly and made a comment about 'the baby' (ie; as if I was pregnant).

I said (in a jokey way) something like 'well don't worry, that's never going to happen' and he responded with something along the lines of 'well, I'm sure it will probably happen eventually'.

Now I can't get this comment out of my head. I'm wondering if he actually does want kids but doesn't want to discuss it with me because he knows that I can't. The other thing that is making me confused about his comment is a conversation that I had with DSIL a while back, where she told me things about Dp that I didn't know that really imply he does in fact want more kids, particularly after his DC was born but that idea got put on the back burner at the time because he relationship with exgf was not good. He is a good dad and is great with his DN.

I did ask him about what his DSis told me and he just brushed it off with a non commital 'don't remember saying that' kind of response.

I'm so confused. Why would he assume it would happen eventually? I have a mirena coil so its not likely to happen on its own unless we purposely plan to ttc. He knows this. Does he think he will eventually change his mind about having dc? Does he think I will? Or that my situation will eventually change and I'll be able to?

Aibu to feel this way or am I just overthinking a jokey offhand comment?

HannahHut Wed 02-Nov-16 14:18:05

YANBU if you got together and made it clear from the start you don't want children then he should respect that. You need to have a serious conversation with him and make it 100% clear you do not want kids now or ever and to make sure he understands and respects that.

I'm sorry but he might decide to leave because he wants more kids and that's his choice, but you need to make it clear now before its further down the road and he makes it seem like he didn't know and will resent you.

TheCatsMother99 Wed 02-Nov-16 14:18:37

I'm not surprised you're confused but to get any real answers you have to have to be honest with your DP about how you feel and ask him to be honest in return.

pklme Wed 02-Nov-16 14:24:34

I think you might need to tell him that his comment has started you wondering if he is as accepting as you had always thought he was. Ask him how he feels, tell him how you feel, and make a plan. Is it the parenting or the pregnancy? Maybe you could foster or adopt or do respite care. Maybe he would like children some day, but will accept it if that doesn't happen. It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, even if I wanted children.

Allthewaves Wed 02-Nov-16 14:31:25

You need to have a big chat. Sounds like he doesn't really accept your mental status will stop you having children - they u will chnage your mind

If you definitely cannot have a child in would consider getting sterilised, as it would put an end to the possibility.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Wed 02-Nov-16 14:32:19

The thing is, if I could have kids, I might want to (maybe not yet but possibly in a few years after we get married?) but it has always been off the table in our relationship, partly because of my MH issues and partly because of Dp's choice.

I don't think he would leave even if he did want more kids but it just hurts me to think that he might be wanting them but not telling me.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Wed 02-Nov-16 14:34:16

All, I have seriously considered getting sterilised. I even talked to Dp about it but he was very non commital about the idea and seemed to think I shouldn't do it.

Lemon12345 Wed 02-Nov-16 14:55:34

This is something you need to sit down and really talk about.

Maybe due to your reasons he thinks you might change your mind. If there isn't a reason you cannot get pregnant (as in you can't conceive and carry) then maybe he's half hoping the problem will eventually be rectified and you will be able to have kids together.
Depending on if the problem can be 'fixed' you also need to talk about what would happen if it is, but also maintain realisation that that is very very unlikely to happen.

DP and I never wanted kids. Now we both do, but I can't have them due to a couple of issues. We're hoping my issues will be resolved and one is an issue with carrying so will be difficult (high miscarriage risk) so we can start. But if it's not fixed for us we are both okay (well he is) about not having children.

Gazelda Wed 02-Nov-16 15:04:59

To be honest, I wonder whether you both have or are giving nixed messages? Your post of 1432 seems (to me) to be saying that you realise it is possible you'll change your mind. Maybe he's got that impression from you too?

I can completely understand your hurt that he's apparently not being totally honest. Or maybe he was honest but has changed his mind and doesn't know how to talk to you about it?

The only way to get past this is to set aside some quiet time to have a really honest, 'cards on the table' discussion. Talk about what is holding you back, what you'd do if you accidentally became pregnant, what you feel his true feelings might be, your concerns over whether he will leave you if he wants kids, whether you'll leave him if he wants kids etc.

He should respect your stance on this enormous and personal issue, but he should also have no fear about being honest. Equally, you should respect (and I think you do) that his feelings might change, and even change back again.

Tissunnyupnorth Wed 02-Nov-16 15:19:48

But if you think there is a chance you might change your mind, doesn't that apply to your DP too?

AcrossthePond55 Wed 02-Nov-16 15:31:27

This isn't something you can just 'wonder' about. You need to have a serious sit-down, no bullshit talk.

"DP I think I've made it very clear that I don't want to have children. I thought you felt the same way but recently some doubts are niggling at me. <state what he said/what his sister said here> . You're entitled to your feelings of course, but I just need to know what they are as this is something that greatly affects both of us. We need to be 100% honest with each other."

I think as long as you are very careful in the contraception method you choose and do NOT rely on him in any way for contraception you should be OK should you choose not to be sterilized.

The thing is, if I could have kids, I might want to (maybe not yet but possibly in a few years after we get married?) but it has always been off the table in our relationship

If you've said or indicated this to him or his sister then you've given him reason to 'hope' you change your mind. It's fine to think 'well, maybe if X or Y happens' but you need to make it clear to him exactly what that would be.

Bluntness100 Wed 02-Nov-16 15:36:05

I'm a bit confused. Am I to read this, and I mean it respectfully, you physically can have children, but you suffer from mental health issues and as such are choosing not to? I'm sorry, I don't really understand.

And more importantly does he understand? As in understand the difference between " can't" and " shan't" ?

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Wed 02-Nov-16 15:56:06

Basically yes, bluntness. As far as I'm aware I can physically have them but due to previous MH issues I don't think that having kids is a good idea. The idea that I could possibly relapse when I might have a small child completely dependent on me terrifies me and I don't think it would be fair to inflict that on a child. Essentially, I just don't think I would be good or suitable to bring up a child. I am stable at the moment but I just don't know if the stress of having a child would cause me to go downhill again and its a big risk to take, I wouldn't want to screw up my child's life sad

There have been times when I did want to take the risk because I wanted a child with Dp but as he always maintained he didn't want them anyway I just had to accept that it won't happen.

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