To expect my brother to offer to move rooms

[doobyboobydo]

Or for my Mum to ask him to move.

Going from the States to the UK for Christmas. Wasn't planning on it this year as it costs a fortune and is generally more stress than it's worth but my Dad's been diagnosed with cancer on top of his ms so I really want to spend Xmas with him.

We've booked an Airbnb for Dad's part of the trip as he doesn't want us staying with him which I totally get. Just starting chemo and is awake all night so sleeps a lot in the day and in chronic pain so has a short fuse understandably and ds is three therefore has the ability to be a bit of a pain in the ass occasionally .

Part of the trip will involve seeing dm and family in her area.

We usually stay with her but my brother has dropped out of uni so is back at home.

There is a double room which dh, me and ds usually fit in to at a squeeze but my brother is now in it.

There is a single room he used to use but now he's older he 'needs more space' and Mum says she 'can't ask him to move at Christmas that's unfair.'

So we've had to book another Airbnb. It quite a way away and adding another £550 to a trip that's already going to make money very tight for a while.

Aibu at being a little hurt that my brother didn't offer to move for a few days and that she wouldn't ask him?

She's got form for putting my male siblings before me and I know I can be oversensitive about it so just wanted to see what others thought. And check I'm not being a big whiny baby.

She's also made a big fuss about 'not doing a thing on Xmas day.' Which I kind of get, why should it always fall to the Mum to cater for everyone. So dh offered that we buy all the food for the family, cook it and wash up and she still got annoyed and 'she just doesn't want the agro'.

So now we're spending Xmas day with my Dad who's panicking about whether or not he'll feel ok and ruin everyone's Christmas.

Fucking hell who'd be an expat? Should have booked to Hawaii and got pissed the whole time.

[londonrach]

Yanbu. Its what families do.

[EdmundCleverClogs]

I can see why you're upset, but I think you're unreasonable in this situation. You don't live at your mum's house, it's not for you to dictate where you sleep, or what food is cooked. It's kind to offer to cook, but she said no, don't complain about it. If your main plan was to see your dad, do that. Be there for him, if you just have to do a flying visit to your mum, well that's how it is. It's not exactly a long plan visit, it's one you're doing for your dad.

[Bluntness100]

Hmmm, I think that everyone is being a bit reasonable, you want your family to put themselves out for you, and they can't be arsed. Just go with the flow is my view.

[LIZS]

Are you sure DM isn't feeling that you staying would be too much and using this as an excuse?

[doobyboobydo]

I have a lot of family near my Mum so it couldn't be a flying visit.

I guess I just feel like she's not that bothered about seeing us.

There's a huge backstory and history and it would take three days of drip feeding to tell the whole story but in a nutshell she left me when I was 7 and watched my Dad and I struggle financially while she was extremely well off and had other kids who wanted for nothing.

I'm her only daughter and her attitude towards me is so different to that of my brothers.

They all still live at home fully supported although they're all adults now.

I do normally suck it up and I'm not suggesting I have it out with her, but I can't stop having hurt feelings.

[rollonthesummer]

I would not be spending Xmas day at your dad's house if he's ill, especially as you are aware he's already panicking!!

Say to your dad that you'll do Xmas day/meal in your air bnb place and if he's well enough, you'll collect him to come to you and take him home again, but make it clear he won't have to let a finger.

If I was ill, the last thing I'd want is 2 months stressing about having family coming to stay for Xmas.

[doobyboobydo]

Really could be that LIZ.

[doobyboobydo]

Rollon we've left it up in the air and if he feels up to it we'll go round, if not we'll spend it on our own.

He will hopefully be feeling a lot better in a couple of months once his meds have kicked in properly but he knows us not all descending on him if he feels like crap would be fine.

[Bluntness100]

Maybe do the opposite, in stead of if he's feeling up to it you will go round, why not if he's feeling up to it, you will bring him to you and take him back after dinner.

[Dulra]

YANBU you are coming over from the states for Xmas with a toddler in tow and your brother who is staying at your mum's because he dropped out college cannot give up his room for a couple of nights to accommodate you. That seems pretty selfish imo and I think your mum should demand it of him. Reading though your extra post seems like putting you last seems the norm which must be extremely hurtful.

I'm sorry your dad is ill and I think him coming to you for Xmas seems like the better option there. I'm sorry too that you seem to be treated so unfairly by your mum it must be hard.

[glenthebattleostrich]

Personally I'd book a premier inn for a couple of nights and visit other family and pop in for a very quick cup of tea if that. Frankly she sounds shit.

Focus on your dad and being there for him.

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

Judging by your last update I wouldn't bother with my mother at all, book somewhere else with that £550 and have a holiday within your holiday away from all family

[TiredAndDeadly]

So your mum has said she doesn't want the aggro xmas day?

Your dads poorly and he's fretting about xmas day?

I'd not bother with either and stay where you have booked and have xmas dinner with just the three of you. Ask your dad to call xmas day if he's up to visitors so you could see him on the day.

Sod the rest x

[TiredAndDeadly]

By the sounds of it your mum doesn't want you to stay (sorry if that's harsh)

Your mum has made her proverbial bed I'd let her lie in it on her own xmas day

[LemonBreeland]

I would drastically shorten, if not cancel the trip to your Mother. Spend your time with your Dad.

[BarbarianMum]

Personally, I'd spend time with your dad, with other relatives you want to see and ignore your mum/brother entirely. And that was my opinion before I'd read your 2nd post.

[doobyboobydo]

The problem with my Dad is that he loves to cook. His way of showing love is to cook a massive meal for everyone to enjoy.

To get him to bow down and not do that will be next to impossible. It's who he is.

It's that whole thing of your Dad getting older and less able and feeling like he's not the provider. It's hitting him hard. I know that all he wants to do is cook a big meal for his kids and family, it makes him so happy.

I don't know how to get it across to him that if he can't this time it's not him being weak.

Maybe we could get him to go out for a meal if he's up to it. He just wouldn't allow one of us to cook. We don't do the gravy, turkey, sprout, roasties right!

[doobyboobydo]

We could shorten time at my Mum's but I have a heap of other family there that are desperate to see ds. My Grandma probably doesn't have many years left so I need to spend a decent amount of time with her too.

It has got to the point a few times since I've had ds that I've considered going nc with my mother but it would be so hard with all of my other family being so close.

And just as she pushes me so far to the point where I've had enough she'll reign it back in and start being nice and I lap it up and the whole cycle begins again.

I wanted to ask on aibu as I worry my feelings get scewed on every little thing with her and would love nothing more than to rebuild our relationship to a healthy one.

[mickeysminnie]

I wouldn't go at all for Christmas. I would fly over by yourself in the new year. It will be easier for your dad if you are the only one visiting and to be honest I would sack your mum off if she can't be bothered to make any effort considering you are coming all the way from the states.

[sycamore54321]

Can you not ask your brother himself directly to swap rooms? Your mother does not need to be involved in this conversation?

Sorry about your dad, it sounds very stressful.

[doobyboobydo]

My Mum would go berserk if I 'went behind her back' to ask him. It wouldn't be worth the fall out.

For someone who's a self proclaimed feminist and hasn't had a partner in over 10 years because she doesn't need a man she has a very scewed view on gender issues.

One of my brothers just cheated on his girlfriend of 7 years in the most horrific way and she completely sided with him saying he must have had his reasons and 'that's just what boys will do.'

[rollmeover]

I would shorten the bit at your mums, so you still get to see family then book a few days somewhere completely different (Lake, Dales, Devon etc) and then at least feel you are getting a family holiday too before you go home. You could invite your Dad along if he is up to it.

[doobyboobydo]

We've already booked the flights. Initially we thought my Dad's cancer was looking worse than it is now (it's hopefully treatable but not curable with ongoing drugs) and that was the first time we could have gone.

Or I would sack it off until the new year. Oh well, at least I'll get good Christmas telly, mince pies and crackers for once.

[BarbarianMum]

In that case, try going "low contact" instead. To do this you never instigate anything - email, phone call, letter, visit. Just respond to her advances, in ways and on a timescale that suit you. You'll probably find it does pretty much equate to being no contact, with maybe the occasional Christmas card thrown in, but means you'll be free to visit/contact other family without worrying about bumping into her etc.

[Enidblyton1]

YANBU, it sounds like a recipe for a v stressful Christmas. I too think you should ask your brother directly about moving rooms - not just through your mother. If he says no, that's pretty selfish of him.
Your mother sounds very tricky
I know it would cost a lot, but I'd be tempted to stay in a hotel or b&b for a few nights and focus on your Dad. Either take him out for lunch or if he isn't up to going out you could just pop round for a bit and take him some lunch (so minimal disruption to his house).
Hope it works out for you.