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To wonder if DH and I should forget about having more kids and embrace our freedom being free?

(27 Posts)
DivineCanine Wed 02-Nov-16 10:59:28

Ok story is DH and I met around 5 years ago. We're now married.

I have two kids to previous relationship, he also has two kids to previous relationship. The ages of the kids are 21, 19, 17 and 15.

All four of the kids have disabilities / mental Heath issues.

Eldest suffers from anxiety and Aspergers. 19 year old is autistic, 17 year old suffers from anxiety and panic attacks and 15 year old suffers with behavioural problems and ADHD.

My two live with me (the youngest two), eldest two live with their mother.

DH had a vasectomy after his youngest was diagnosed with autism so around 16 years ago and we were never going to attempt more kids anyway but recently I've been panicking about my bio clock ticking (35) have been broody and have been thinking how lovely it would be for DH and I to have a child of our own - together. DH needed a bit of time to get his head around the idea but he feels the same.

So we are making an appointment to discuss vasectomy reversal.

However, I have read that chances of success are minimal and the OP alone costs nearly £3k which we would fund ourselves. If it doesn't work it would mean IVF - another £5k and months, years of appointments, clinics, treatments ... I could be pushing 40 by the time we get anywhere.

Now I'm really torn. I love DH so much and want nothing more than to have his child but on the other hand, with 2 autistic kids on his side, there is a chance it could come through in new baby. Also, DH and I are just at the point where we can bugger off on holidays together, stay in posh hotels, have fun just as two free adults, go out whenever we want, finances are great ... to have a baby now would have an impact on all this.

Plus, am I too old?? I never saw myself making small talk at the school gates as a 40 year old.

So AIBU in even considering the vasectomy reversal? Should we just crack on with being two free adults? If so, how do I get over the fact that DH and I will never be parents together? Because it does upset me.

frenchfancy Wed 02-Nov-16 11:03:01

You have 4 kids between you. If I were you I would be embracing the future as free adults.

Alwayschanging1 Wed 02-Nov-16 11:04:49

You know nobody can advise you on this -it is just a personal choice.

But if it were me .... sounds like you have had a long journey with your 4 children. I would be looking forward to some me time and some time with my DH. Our 2 DC are 18 (now at Uni) and 15 so we can see the light at the end of the tunnel and that light looks so pretty and fun....

Allthewaves Wed 02-Nov-16 11:06:20

I wouldn't have more kids in your situation. Your older kids on both sides sound like they are going to needs lots of support

Alwayschanging1 Wed 02-Nov-16 11:06:47

PS if you do have a child, being 40 at the school gate is not unusual. I was 35 when I had my second and it was fine. Don't let that put you off.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain Wed 02-Nov-16 11:08:13

I wouldn't. The others need you. You have four between you.

WussyWat Wed 02-Nov-16 11:08:40

You have 4 grown up children, do you really want to go back to constant exhaustion and night feedings? How would it impact your children living at home?

I say enjoy your lives together. There's so much you can do together now, if you have another child it's going to be another 15+ years before you can go back to the life you have now. I love my children more than life itself but my god I can't wait until me and DH can buggar off for a weekend away or go out without needing to find a babysitter weeks in advance!

ElspethFlashman Wed 02-Nov-16 11:10:28

No way. Not after all you've been through and with 2 with SN still at home. You have rose tinted specs about babies. Even an NT baby could break you if it's a refluxy screamer who doesn't sleep through for three years.

DivineCanine Wed 02-Nov-16 11:13:36

See that's the thing, this weekend we're going away to Leeds for the night. No planning needed, just booked it and that's that. They'd be no more of that with a baby and I have taken it for granted really how easy it all is.

We both love travel, that would change with a baby.

Would we argue more? Would it actually break us and we end up another split family?

But the idea of DH and I never sharing that bond eats away at me and on a subconscious level, I'm full of jealousy that his ex had that with him and I never will - as childish as that sounds.

I wonder sometimes if I'm just thinking about this for the wrong reasons. So I can say to myself "NOW I have the same bond with him that she had".

But I know that's ridiculous and highlights my insecurity

TheWrathFromHighAtopTheThing Wed 02-Nov-16 11:13:58

God, in your shoes I would be happy with the four I had.

You'll love each other just as much without having the evidence of a baby to show it.

ElspethFlashman Wed 02-Nov-16 11:16:16

Well you could also think of it as her having all the shit bits with him and you being the one who gets to have the fun bits with him.

KathArtic Wed 02-Nov-16 11:17:16

Does your DH really want a baby, or is he doing this to please you?

Are you just feeling broody?

QuodPeriitPeriit Wed 02-Nov-16 11:17:34

Well to answer your easy questions, 40 is definitely not too old for the school gate - I had my 4th at 43. And I know quite a few people who've had successful vasectomy reversals on similar situations to yours.

But, no one can answer the rest of your questions for you - it's a very personal decision - only you know how difficult life is now and how that will be affected by a baby. I just know that for me, I regret the things I don't do more than the things I do.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain Wed 02-Nov-16 11:18:11

There are plenty of successful marriage partners who never "share that bond". In fact of my three closest school friends, the ones who did share the bond have ended up divorced, while the two of us who are child free are still going strong with their partners many years later.

ToujeoQueen Wed 02-Nov-16 11:20:17

I don't think you're being ridiculous feeling the way you do. I understand that you want to have a child with the man you love. However, you already have 4 dcs between you, and with significant needs.

WussyWat Wed 02-Nov-16 11:28:35

Don't have a baby with him just to share a bond. He isn't with his ex anymore, and a lot of people are no longer with the person they have children with so it can't be that much of a bond. If anything it tears people apart!

Enjoy your own bond together that doesn't involve children, go travelling, have great experiences, that will be something he has never done with other exes and something that will bond you more than a screaming newborn.

WineSpider Wed 02-Nov-16 11:33:17

I think you'd be nuts, but it's your life!

welshweasel Wed 02-Nov-16 11:35:28

After that long, reversal unlikely to be successful. You may be better off going straight to IVF.

user1477282676 Wed 02-Nov-16 11:37:43

Your bond is unique to you two. You share a common ground that nobody else has. You are you and he is he...your shared family is part of that.

35 isn't too old...I had my 2nd at 36 and to be frank I never considered chatting at the school gates at 40 an issue...nor did the rest of the Mothers...who all tended to be in their 40s and professionals.

So don't think age is a problem really.

Nobody can decide but you two.

Procrastination4 Wed 02-Nov-16 11:41:58

It would be a lot to take on-financially(cost of reversal and possibly IVF) and emotionally(worrying if baby would have problems too). You both have experienced parenthood, so maybe now it's time to think about yourselves and live a little. You are currently both parenting your 17 and 15 year olds as it is. If you were to have another baby you would be dealing with a late teen when you were possibly in your fifties. Be kind to yourselves! Look forward to a future of possibilities to do things you would enjoy together when you are free.

I think stick with the four you've got.
I agree you don't know how much they'll all need you in the coming years.

Maybe think about some counselling to talk through your feelings around it all.

Then go forwards as a family together just as much as you would with
a baby added to the mix smile

Slummamumma Wed 02-Nov-16 11:46:35

I totally understand how you feel. My DP and I have each have a child from previous marriages and would dearly have loved to have a baby together. However, various medical reasons (one is a question of inherited genetics) which would mean IVF and cause a massive disruption to our existing children. We have decided that it is better just being us and are so happy for the children we already have. IVF is not the fix it solution that it is made out to be and causes many problems between couples and emotionally it is a rollercoaster. Your age is not a problem here but the other factors are

ScrubbedPine Wed 02-Nov-16 11:50:19

But the idea of DH and I never sharing that bond eats away at me and on a subconscious level, I'm full of jealousy that his ex had that with him and I never will - as childish as that sounds.

I wonder sometimes if I'm just thinking about this for the wrong reasons. So I can say to myself "NOW I have the same bond with him that she had".

But you're in the same position, both with children from previous relationships - do you have a strong and eternal bond with the father of your two? What would you say if your DH came to you and said his primary reason for wanting to have a child with you was to replicate the bond he believes you have with your ex?

insan1tyscartching Wed 02-Nov-16 11:55:03

If I were you I wouldn't. I was 35 when I had dd who has autism, it's hard work and even harder than when I had ds with autism in my twenties. You should also look at genetic counselling considering the mix of difficulties your existing children have. The chances of having one child with autism is about 1 in 68, the chance of a second child with autism is around 1 in 5 with the chance of a third child about 50 50. Realistically you could be considering raising another child with autism and take it from me at pushing fifty it is exhausting.

pennycarbonara Wed 02-Nov-16 11:57:18

A friend is from a similarly structured family, where the kids are about 10 years older than yours and most have various long term health conditions or disabilities. Most of them are still not fully independent, often working intermittently or part time, and needing financial support or practical help from parents of a level similar to what you'd expect to provide for a teenager not an adult. Welfare and NHS support for adults with milder disabilities is steadily being cut, not increased. Perhaps some of yours may get better to the point where they can permanently work full time, but adding another child into the mix, even a healthy one, never mind one who had similar or worse problems, would only decrease what it is possible to do for those already there.

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