DP refusing to join in(45 Posts)
Context...Start of my relationship with DP had its ups and downs and I
moaned constantly confided in a couple of close friends. As a result, first time meeting between friend and DP (2 years ago) was frosty (from her). Friend also has a habit of appearing disinterested and coming across a little rude (just her, nothing personal), DP has been reassured by other mutual friends that it’s not him, the friend is just a bit hard work sometimes.
Fast forward…friend has invited DP along to a number of activities her and I have had planned, all of which DP has turned down. Most recent was this morning, a dinner at hers with a group of people, I’m now going alone as DP has yet again turned it down.
AIBU to be a bit upset about this? I have mildly voiced that I’m a bit sad about it, not argued with him but said I’d like it if he made more of an effort. She’s an old friend, we live very close to each other and she’s also bridesmaid at our upcoming wedding. AIBU to feel he should integrate more? Suck it up and make more of an effort with her? We’ve also recently moved to the area and friend is clearly trying to make an effort to introduce us to her larger circle of friends.
Thoughts would be greatly appreciated
I think your DP is a grown man, and has no obligation to suck it up and socialise with someone who has been rude to him, is unpleasant to people often enough for it to be described as 'her way' and is disinterested! Fair play to him for not pandering to her as others seem to do. She is your friend, he has other friends and why should he spend his spare time doing something he doesn't enjoy!
So she's rude and off with him ... Why would he want to socialise with her? To be honest OP why are you keen to hang out with someone who can't bring herself to be civil to the person you're planning to share your life with?
I appreciate that you feel stuck in the middle but it sounds like she's the one you should be having a word with, not him ...
Thanks for your replies, completely take on board what you're saying and also agree, why should he have to.
She's an old friend and we're really close, I dont think it's drastic enough to pull her up on. DP is happy to have her round ours and stuff, I guess I just feel sad that he doesn't want to try and meet new people in our new town. It's a great opportunity to rebuild our social life having moved around all year.
Thanks for your responses
* As a result, first time meeting between friend and DP (2 years ago) was frosty (from her). Friend also has a habit of appearing disinterested and coming across a little rude (just her, nothing personal), DP has been reassured by other mutual friends that it’s not him, the friend is just a bit hard work sometimes.*
And she's your bridesmaid, why?
You don't think her behaviour is drastic enough to pull her up on?
Really? I do.
My DH and best mate got off to a rocky start and she out and out snubbed him once. He moved past it immediately and they get on now. Someone has to give for your sake.
She sounds horrible and he sounds as though he's got the measure of her.
So she was rude, frosty and off with him?
I'm with your dp why as an adult should I suck it up? I wouldn't be joining in either
Sorry but I can't think of anything worse than accepting social assistance from someone I don't like! Just not wanting to take her on as a friend doesn't mean he doesn't doesn't want make friends AT ALL, just that he doesn't want his social life to be dictated by someone who is not to his taste.
Maybe the "rudeness" has been over exaggerated. She has a habit of asking a question and then kind of looking over your shoulder when you reply. She wasn't purposely rude, she just came off a bit 'offish' as some people do...it's just their personality.
She's not a bad person, hence being one of my best friends and my bridesmaid. She just said (before meeting him for the first time) "he has some making up to do".... as I would say if my best friend had been whinging about the guy I was about to meet!
Sorry if I've made her out to be worse than she is.
user I think we're in a similar situation...no one needs to 'give' as it's not a huge issue (she's totally unaware to my knowledge) it's just making me sad that I keep having to say "nope he's not coming" when I'd love for him to join me
OK, just pretend for a minute you hadn't been moaning about him and that hadn't made her frosty towards him (which imo a good friend wouldn't have been anyway).
From the way you describe her, she's certainly not everyone's cup of tea, is she?
I must admit, I would find it very hard to socialise with someone like that even if they were my DH's best friend.
In fact just reading your description of her has raised my blood pressure
Probably the only thing that needs to 'give' here, is that you stop expecting him to socialise with her.
If someone asked me a question and then looked over my shoulder I wouldn't really go out of my way to socialise with them either; I would assume they didn't like me and stay out of their way.
What does she mean by 'some making up to do'? So he's got to impress her enough to make her be polite to him?
Not surprised he doesn't want to spend time with her.
A lot of women moan to their best friends about their DP, doesn't give the friend the right to be rude to him.
Also, asking a question of someone and the looking over their shoulder when they answer, is bloody rude. My exh used to do things like that and I can tell you it's a horrible feeling when you're trying to converse with someone and answer their questions when they clearly have no interest in hearing the answer. It's a very effective way of making someone feel small. Sounds to me as if he's got her measure and doesn't like what he sees.
If one of my DP's friends was like that with me, i'd still go along because i am an adult, there will be other people their to talk to and it's just what you do.
I would not expect my DP to go along to social events without me just because i don't like one of the people there.
I totally understand where you're coming from - my ex was like this, wouldn't get involved in doing stuff with my friends and family, even when other DP's were coming along. It is embarrassing. However, I have friends now whose husbands are, shall we say socially awkward and don't come along to things, and none of us are offended about it. Life is too short to go to parties etc if you're going to feel awkward and not enjoy it.
My friend has a new-ish boyfriend and I have seen some awful behaviour from him. Therefore I'm not massively excited about being in his company so I see where your friend is coming from to an extent. That said, if she's going to be involved in your wedding then they ought to make a bit of an effort with each other.
He has some making up to do?? To who, her? Cos she is so important that he should be fawning all over her to prove his worth?
Look OP, you clearly love her dearly and that is nice, but she sounds like a pain in the arse unless it is tempered by that love. Just chuck it in the 'fuck it' bucket and move on. Enjoy her company and his, seperately
So how are things with him & the other friend that you confided him?
She's the one who should make the effort as she judged him by what you had told him in the past & presumably got over?
WTF is he supposed to do?
You've made things worse with your further explanation!
She asks a question and looks over your shoulder as you answer? That makes someone feel great, doesn't it?
And what's this making up he's meant to be doing? To whom?
Life's too short to spend time with people who are rude to you. I'm with your DP
It's really hard to tell from here who is being more hard work, your friend or your DP, but one way or another you are missing out on a lot of good times because people or persons are being dicks.
Is your DP very proud, quick to take offence, always conscious of whether he is being "disrespected" or not?
Is your friend bossy and self centred?
I don't know, maybe none of the above is true but this situation is fucking hard work and so is your social life going to be. Get better friends or a better DP. I don't know which.
In an episode of Girls, Hannah tells her dying Grannie that she is going to marry Adam because it is what she wants to hear. Her mother is not pleased to hear this and somehow (can't remember the details) they do have a conversation about: "what if I did marry Adam?" her mother says something like: your life will be so hard if you marry a difficult man.
That rang so loud and clear when I saw it!
when you are in love and just a couple, you don't need anyone else, it doesn't matter who "doesn't get" your partner, you get him, that's all that matters.
10 years down the line when you have demanding children, bills, jobs, no time, something in your house is always falling down, your kids have teachers, friends with parents, playdates, etc.... there is always someone who needs to be dealt with nicely and constructively, AND you NEED to have good nights out (or in) in relaxed groups of friends who can laugh together and cheer each other up. It is SO FUCKING HARD to find that your partner is a prickly mollusc who keeps curling up and avoiding / ignoring / offending other people. IT IS SO FUCKING HARD.
Is your DP that guy? Be honest.
Your mate sounds like hard work.
DP used to have a friend who could be very good company but had a nasty sarcastic, quarrelsome side to him and we found we were always saying " Oh, don't mind him, that's just his way - he's fine really ... " when he was foul to someone. It got really wearing and when they finally fell out it was a great relief!
Maybe your DP is seeing her with fresh eyes whereas you're used to making excuses for her?
MaudlinnameChange "THIS" is what caused me to write the whole AIBU thing in the first place. He's usually wonderful, makes an effort with 99% of all other groups but sometimes I really feel that if he doesn't like a situation (for *whatever reason) he just out and out says "no".
Yes, I totally get the whole "why would you do something that makes you uncomfortable" but my response is "because you just do. Because you're doing it for someone you love" I'm not asking him to go skydiving or eat dinner with sharks. But he's happy to let me go alone...every time. This morning it just wore a little thin.
It's so tough to explain 2 years worth in a small amount of text on here!
Are the social invitations to your dp genuine? Is he invited because she is a bridemaid and she wants to look good in front of you or is she inviting him but expecting a rejection and gets to maintain her nice person image in front of you? Has she apologised for being bored and aloof? My guess is that she is interested when talking to some people so the "hard work" label is bollocks (and your dh has seen that) and she needs to be impressing/apologising to him not vice versa.
- what was so hard at the beginning with your DP that you told your friend about it and made her take against him? Is all that truly resolved?
- It is fine to have separate groups of friends and lots of things that you don't need each other to take part in, but sometimes you just want your partner to be right there, by your side, holding your hand, and you're facing the world together - whether for good things or bad - you're not wondering where he is or whether he will show up or how he feels about it - he's just right there, his hand is there. Do you ever feel like that? How often do you feel like that?
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