Husband bringing drunk friends back home

[Tetley08]

My husband goes out a fair bit after work which I'm fine with however we've had some awful arguments the past few months as he's started inviting people back to our flat in the early hours.
The first time it happened I wasn't that upset, it was some guy he works with who was really drunk who ended up asleep on our sofa. We had a bit of a laugh about it the next day, but I did say to him afterwards that I didn't want him bringing people back to our flat again as it wakes me up, we live in a small flat, they could easily wake our son up, and I don't particularly like people that I don't know crashing around my home at 2am. In fact I said to him, if you're out drinking again & you want to bring a friend back, if it's before midnight give me call & if I'm up I might say that's ok, if it's past midnight please don't as chances are I'll be asleep. He agreed with this, said sorry.
Anyway, since that first time, which was back in July, he has continued to bring people back to our flat a further 5 times, always past midnight, usually around 2-3am. The guy hasn't stayed over again as I've told him he has to leave. Usually it's the same guy, the one he works with, but once it was somebody else. Each time it has woken me up, caused massive arguments and it's mostly been during the week so I've had to go to work the next day having had a really disruptive night - a few times I've been really upset so I haven't managed to get back to sleep. When I've asked him why he's brought someone back when I've specifically asked him not to, he's said (whilst drunk), that it's his home, he pays the bills (he's the main breadwinner), and he can do what he likes. He also says that I'm blowing things out of proportion & im being unreasonable.
I'm really upset that he would do this & I can't help but feel like he's doing this on purpose to upset me. He has been apologetic a few times the following day but mostly I think he thinks I'm being petty and silly for making this an issue. The thing that really bugs me is that I have asked him in a reasonable way not to do this, he's agreed, and then he's gone against what we agreed. When you are married surely you respect your spouse & you don't go back on an agreement?
I'd really appreciate some outsiders point of view on this as its really upsetting me & I'm finding it difficult to see things clearly.

[heron98]

No advice but you have my sympathy. There were 5 drunk blokes brought back to mine who were all up drinking until 7am and passed out on the sofa until the afternoon.

He says it's "his house too". I can't decide whether he has a point.

[ditzychick34]

How old is your son?

[Tetley08]

He's 5

[ditzychick34]

So if he woke, he would most likely be scared by a man he doesn't know being in his home?

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

It seems that it's not 'drunk friends' but one friend?

I don't think I'd like to be told I couldn't bring a friend back occasionally to kip on the sofa so YABU.

[Madinche1sea]

YABU at all OP.
The fact that he is regularly out drinking during the week until 2-3am would be more than enough for most people. Does he not have to get up the following morning? Why should you have to be getting ready for work with some passed out random on your sofa? Most men have grown out of this kind of behaviour in their teens.

[Madinche1sea]

Sorry YANBU at all!

[ConvincingLiar]

I contribute to our household exactly equally with DH. I give him notice if I want friends over. If they were staying overnight, I'd check that was ok with him. It would only ever be friends well known to him and DD. I expect the same courtesy from him. We have a big house where I'm less likely to be disturbed by noise but I wouldn't be pleased to have night time drunk guests with no notice. Your DH is being a prick. He doesn't care about your feelings.

[swinkle]

I think that YANBU at all! I think his argument that it's his house isn't good enough - it's also YOUR house, and your DCs house and you both have a right to feel comfortable in it. The fact that "he pays the bills" is irrelevant. He's made the choice to have a family and he needs to treat you with respect, especially if he's already agreed to do so after you've spoken to him about how you feel. I know I certainly wouldn't be happy with drunken randoms in my house in the small hours of the morning.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Why is he out drinking until 2-3am on a regular basis when he has a 5yo at home?

[MillionToOneChances]

YANBU!

[MillionToOneChances]

It is his home too. Why not suggest he invites this work friend round during waking hours a few times and makes him a family friend so your son won't be worried if he stays over occasionally?

[MLGs]

Yanbu at all.

[JuddNelsoninTheBreakfastClub]

YANBU. It's your house and your DSs house too and you deserve to be treated with respect. If it was a one off fair enough but its a regulr occutance. I agree with others, this is the sort of thing I did in my twenties when I was single and had no kids. I wouldn't want to get up in the morning and see some drunken stranger lying on my couch. Why is he drinking so much and during the week too? He is not treating you with respect, maybe he should cut down on his drinking or he can go and sleep on someone else's couch permanently.

[JuddNelsoninTheBreakfastClub]

*regular occurrence

[honeysucklejasmine]

If he likes, he can move out and pay maintenance instead of your bills, and pay his own bills too. "Paying bills" does not give him divine right to be an arsehole.

[mum2Bomg]

Sounds like his drinking buddies live further out and, in an effort to make them stay out later, he's offering them a bed. Much more to this than just strangers in your house; going out until the early hrs during the week, possibly avoiding coming home...

[Obsidian77]

YANBU.
What swinkle said.

[user1471545174]

He has repeatedly ignored your reasonable wishes for peace and security in your home and undisturbed sleep for you (with a job to go to) and your young, school-age son, to whom he is setting a bad example.

You are making a reasonable request and he is not in the Inbetweeners. I'd be issuing an ultimatum.

[Trifleorbust]

He is being unreasonable, not you. You have a small child and you do not want to be woken up. More to the point, who cares who is bringing in money? That doesn't make you a guest in the house. All adults in the house have to be comfortable with overnight guests, not just working adults.

[9troubledwaters]

I think the fact that my dh went out regularly drinking till 3am would be the problem tbh.
And the bringing of random friends back is not something id consider normal as a parent buts folks are different i guess

[Aibohphobia]

I think YANBU but it it his house as equally as it is yours.

Would oyu be annoyed if you weren't woken up by the friend coming home or is it the fact that there's someone you don't know well in your house?

This does seem to be the kind of behaviour that's perhaps acceptable on a yearly (or very occasional) basis and not 5 times in 4 months. My husband had the surprise of 5 snoring women in the lounge last month when he went downstairs but it was the first time it had happened in years and when I woke up got his clearly delighted message that he'd taken our children to Burger King and the petting zoo (his dream Saturday) and would be expecting the king of lie-ins "in the bank".

I think the frequency is an issue OP, not the occurrence itself. That's assuming that he does in fact make it to work the following day etc.

[Tetley08]

Thanks for your replies
Yes he does always make it to work the next day. I don't know how he does it, I certainly wouldn't be able to function but he's never missed work because of a hangover.
The thing that bugs me the most is the fact we've discussed it the following day(s) and calmly sat down & explained how I feel about it, he agrees it won't happen again...but then it does. I can't help but feel like he is doing it on purpose to make a point or something. I hate that he can't keep to his word. If the roles were reversed I would never do something that pissed him off this much & I never go against what we had discussed. It's part of being married isn't it?!

[Shakey15000]

Yanbu. Extremely selfish of him. I think I would be tagging a consequence on it. As so far, he knows that you'll " forgive" him the next day and carries on disrespecting your reasonable request.

It's certainly not reasonable the amount of time he's out spending family funds.

[Trifleorbust]

OP, I think his reaction when you asked him this time ("my house, my rules") shows that he isn't really very respectful of you or of your request and he was just paying lip service to it before. I wouldn't be angry that he agreed and then went back on it, I would be angry that he thought my request was meaningless because he pays the mortgage.