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to be surprised my mum hasn't pulled up by brother over this?! Upset 5 year old 😢

(187 Posts)
Mumofaboy123 Wed 02-Nov-16 06:55:48

So the long and short of it is that I'm 35, brother is 45, we both have similar age children and he lives 2 minitues down the road from her whilst I live 75 miles away.
I visit her every second Sunday and have done since she retired 2 years ago, whilst she has never travelled the 1 hour 20 mins on a train to see me - she is a fit and healthy 63 year old in case relevant.
I'm not very close to my brother but up until now we've both made an effort for the kids parties, he's always come to mine and vice versa.
Even before my mum lived near him, we would all get the train together to travel to the parties - all in winter may I add.
This year my daughter was turning 5; very soon after starting school, but she wanted a party so we hired a hall and had princesses come along to entertain the children.
We done food and party bags, hot cakes made and so on so not cheap but her cousins, 2 girls of 5 and 8 were very excited to come.
The plan was that after the party, I would drive up to my mums and stay over as my husband was away on business on the Sunday and my brother had to go straight home after the party as his children have a tutor on a Sunday afternoon.
2 days before the party, my sister in law texts me saying that it is probably best if they just see the kids to give their presents when I get to my mums, it's a long journey and my brother has been asked to help football coach for the school on Saturday.
I www so shocked and to be honest pretty annoyed that I didn't reply.
The day before the party, my brother texts saying if you really want us there let us know but either way I'm letting someone down now so don't want to make the call.
Again, I didn't reply.
The party had been booked 6 months ahead of time and to be quite frank I don't think the message should have ever been sent, so the fact he even questioned not coming made me realise he clearly wasn't interested so what's the point in him coming.
My daughter was terribly upset when they didn't turn up on the day so we told her they had caught a sick bug.
I'm not at all surprised by my brothers antics, he's incredibly selfish and has seen my mum go through cancer without so much of an offer to take her to hospital ( luckily only skin cancer but 4 ops to remove it all ) and instead watched me do the 150 mile round trip whilst my husband had to take unpaid leave to collect the kids from school / pre school.
Not that it's relevant but they are very well off, 2 cars and a massive house.
There was nothing stopping her putting the kids in the car and coming to the party if my brother couldn't possibly not help out at football training.
I'm just hurt and surprised that my mum is playing this all down and hasn't questioned what he's done.
She said yesterday that at 30 and 40 years old she shouldn't need to intervene and that she still expects me to drive there for Xmas, knowing full well he will be there which is incredibly awkward as I haven't heard from him since - he dropped the presents into my mum that morning and I texted him thankyou for the money and that was the last contact we had.
What are your views on this?
I have 2 children and cannot imagine allowing one to treat the other and worse still a little 5 year old girl in such a way without at least asking what he was playing at?!

lottiegarbanzo Wed 02-Nov-16 07:01:39

This has nothing to do with your Mum. Run your own relationships.

I can understand you were disappointed but you need to move on.

minmooch Wed 02-Nov-16 07:02:00

She's right at 30 and 40 you are old enough to sort things between yourselves. You are, in fact, grown ups. Although ignoring his texts were very childish. Why did you not just pick up the phone and, you know, talk to each other, like grown ups?

It's a children's party after all. Not life and death.

If going to see your mother so regularly is something you don't want to do then stop doing it.

Take more control of your life and more responsibility for it.

Sorry to be harsh but it all seems rather ridiculous to me.

BeattieBowRisenFromTheDead Wed 02-Nov-16 07:04:20

"Only" skin cancer. hmm

GazingAtStars Wed 02-Nov-16 07:04:42

This isn't really that much of a big deal. When he texted and said "if you want me there tell me and I'll come" then you should have told him you wanted him there instead of behaving like a stroppy brat. Honestly it's not great that he didn't turn up but your behaviour was far from ideal

EsmesBees Wed 02-Nov-16 07:04:51

I think your mum has a point to be honest. You and your brother should be able to sort this out between you. Why don't you just tell him that you are upset that he let you and the kids down at the last minute? He might not realise that coming to the party meant so much to you.

greenfolder Wed 02-Nov-16 07:05:32

I agree.
However, I have learnt over the years that things that matter to me very dearly and things that I would do and not do are different to other people.
For example. We had lots of young neices and nephews. We without fail went to parties bought gifts took them out for the day. Got Xmas gifts the lot. And loved it. My own Dc are a lot younger but they hardly got anything from their aunts and uncles. Final straw was when youngest was 5 and I invited them all over for the afternoon at 1.00 they arrived at 5 because watching the grand prix is more important than a 5 year old son party.
So, I just take the view that they have a different way of looking at things.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Wed 02-Nov-16 07:06:25

There isn't anything to "play down", an adult decided not to take their children to a party, hardly a crime! my siblings and I can't always make it to kids stuff, we don't get upset we just realise that that's life hmm

You really need to get a grip I'm afraid

teacher54321 Wed 02-Nov-16 07:08:08

It sounds to me like you do all the running in your family and you resent your brother for not making the effort. By all means be pissed off at your brother but is it worth the long term fall out? I would do less visiting and facilitating, and let your mum come and visit you for a change. Ignoring their texts was very childish though I think. Why didn't you reply to sil saying 'DD is desperate to see the girls can you still bring them?' By not replying they thought you were fine with it.

Witchend Wed 02-Nov-16 07:08:19

As they get into school friends it becomes less common for cousins to come to parties, particularly from a distance.

SoupDragon Wed 02-Nov-16 07:08:22

Your mother is right.

TBH, You behaved like a petulant child by ignoring your borhrer's messages.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Wed 02-Nov-16 07:09:39

Not sure why you think your mum should intervene. You and your brother - and sil who you are ignoring in all this - are adults. Sort your own problems out.

It's not ideal of them, but I can we why they did what they did.

NewIdeasToday Wed 02-Nov-16 07:09:48

I'm afraid I think this is a complete over reaction about a kids party. Surely your daughter was so pleased to see all her other friends that she enjoyed her party anyway. And your comment that your brother has a big house and two cars is just irrelevant.

Your poor mum caught in the middle of this!

lottiegarbanzo Wed 02-Nov-16 07:10:04

Also, it is your decision not to respond to your brother that has caused this to continue as a 'live' issue. You're sulking. That's why Christmas will be awkward. You could easily have expressed your disappointment, left it with him and moved on.

wigglesrock Wed 02-Nov-16 07:10:38

You're reaction to this seems very over the top to me and I have a five year old! I also have family that can be a touch on the flaky side but that's up to me to deal with not my mum. Your child had her party, I'm sure she had a great time with her school friends. Her cousins couldn't make it (they live 75 miles away), they were going to see you and your daughter at your mums anyway?. I know you mentioned that they gave been issues with regards to your mum when she was ill but your reaction here seems very overwrought. Your 5 year old should be able to cope with her cousins not coming to a birthday party and there's a touch of the drama llamas re Christmas.

Mummaaaaaah Wed 02-Nov-16 07:11:04

I understand you're upset but based on what you've said, I'm afraid you are massively overreacting. It's certainly. It something worth falling out over. As pp said, as the children get older it's pretty common to just have friends rather than family to birthday parties. I'd try and make up if I were you. Foe the children's sake.

civilfawlty Wed 02-Nov-16 07:12:58

Two words: GROW UP

lastqueenofscotland Wed 02-Nov-16 07:14:06

Over reaction on your part, why did you ignore his texts?!? Utterly juvenile

Has nothing to do with you mum.

HorridHenrietta2 Wed 02-Nov-16 07:14:16

I agree with your mum, stop expecting her to get involved in your squabbles, you're a big girl now.
I understand the disappointment of those close to you crying off birthday celebrations.... It feels a bit shit but you rise above it and carry on with an adult relationship. Sulking and creating an atmosphere at Christmas won't achieve anything so please don't spoil your mum's Christmas over this.
Finally ignoring the texts was childish, if you really thought it was a big deal then pick up the phone and sort it out.
Sorry if this is a bit harsh but I think you need to put this behind you and behave like an adult.

Fairylea Wed 02-Nov-16 07:17:22

Your mum is right. You are both adults and your sibling relationship is nothing to do with her. It's not her responsibility.

You had two chances to sort out arrangements with your brother and chose not to reply. Is it worth falling out over?

skippy67 Wed 02-Nov-16 07:17:28

What would you want your mum to do? You ignored your brother's messages, which was very childish. You and your brother are grown ups, deal with your own squabbles.

JustSpeakSense Wed 02-Nov-16 07:19:46

I understand you were a little disappointed that they couldn't come to the party. However, ignoring their texts was ridiculously childish. It definitely is not your mothers place to get involved either. You are in the wrong here I'm afraid, you need to make apologies all round and move on. Be grateful you have a family that wants to spend time with you at Christmas, they may not be perfect, but neither of you. Shake it off and move on.

RentANDBills Wed 02-Nov-16 07:21:44

Bit off of them to cancel but they at least text you with several days warning. Twice. If anything, its partly your fault that you DD was "terribly upset" when they "didn't turn up" - you knew they weren't coming, you should have let her down gently rather than her get that disappointment on the day.

As for not texting back, why?! Its a kids party, not a wedding. Mildly disappointing and rude, as they'd previously confirmed, but tbh its a 150 mile round trip, which is, what? 3-4 hours travel time for perhaps a 2/2.5 hour party?

YABU.

missyB1 Wed 02-Nov-16 07:21:50

All this angst over a kids party? Seriously? Total over reaction OP, time to move on!

Trifleorbust Wed 02-Nov-16 07:22:12

This isn't your mum's problem, is it?

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