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DH doesn't want another baby

(84 Posts)
needasmartnn Tue 01-Nov-16 22:18:31

Don't want to drip feed but don't want to be too identifying either. Me and DH have been going through a bit of a rough patch and he's now decided to tell me he doesn't ever want another baby. We had decided on one more if it happened naturally (and by that I mean not putting massive effort into getting pregnant just no birth control and if it happens it happens)
Again without outing myself I fully believe the reason we don't already have one is because he has been unfaithful in the last 7 years and we were trying to get back on track for the other DC. I truly feel if this hadn't happened then we would have already had the baby I desperately want.
But now I feel like I'm not going to be able to get past this rough patch knowing it's never going to happen, and I'm just going to end up resentful.
DH has other DC from previous relationships and is kind of using this as a bargaining tool saying he 'has enough' which I may possibly have accepted if this had been the deal all along. It becoming the deal now has floored me. AIBU to consider ending my marriage over this? I'm really really upset but I know if I do he'll blame me saying I'm putting myself before our other DC.
If I am BU maybe an outside neutral opinion will help me shake off this sinking feeling in my heart sad

ollieplimsoles Tue 01-Nov-16 22:20:44

He's been unfaithful?



AyeAmarok Tue 01-Nov-16 22:20:53

YANBU to want to end your marriage.

Sounds like you have more reasons to do so than just the issue of more DC.

needasmartnn Tue 01-Nov-16 22:22:46

I'm going to sound like such a sap but I decided to work on my marriage for the sake of the DC (the cheating was a few years ago) and rightly or wrongly I feel that if he wants us to be a family then he shouldn't be denying me the baby I've had my heart set on (and he said he wanted too)
I don't want to hurt my kids but I can just see myself resenting him more and more every day

Dozer Tue 01-Nov-16 22:22:48

He isn't being U to not want more DC.

Dozer Tue 01-Nov-16 22:23:35

Also very wrong to argue that he somehow "owes" you another DC because of his infidelity!

needasmartnn Tue 01-Nov-16 22:26:06

I don't think that but I think he is very unreasonable to have just dropped it on me like this. If he'd said it to me during his begging speech for me to take him back it would have been a deal breaker.

Eevee77 Tue 01-Nov-16 22:26:13

Well if you're trying to make it work perhaps he correctly thinks it's not the best idea that being a new child into an unstable relationship?

This coupled with the cheating will lead to massive resentment so I'd be looking to end the marriage.

Coconutty Tue 01-Nov-16 22:26:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eevee77 Tue 01-Nov-16 22:26:40

To bring *

Bringmewineandcake Tue 01-Nov-16 22:26:44

It sounds a little bit like you think you're owed another baby for sticking with him after the cheating.

I do think though that if another child is that important to you then ywnbu to consider leaving him if he's adamant he doesn't want another.

needasmartnn Tue 01-Nov-16 22:29:04

Well that's what I'm asking - if I am BU to end the marriage because I genuinely feel I've been misled for the past couple of years. I might not ever conceive again because I haven't yet but I don't think I can face knowing it never will happen.
I know if I end it and give my reasoning he will say I'm to blame for breaking up our children's home

dontbesillyhenry Tue 01-Nov-16 22:29:27

Why do you want another child in the circumstances?

SheldonCRules Tue 01-Nov-16 22:30:13

So basically you took him back after he cheated for his sperm?

He doesn't owe you a child and has every right to say he has fathered enough.

ditzychick34 Tue 01-Nov-16 22:31:06

A question to ask yourself is will you end up divorcing in a few years when your resentment builds

needasmartnn Tue 01-Nov-16 22:33:08

It's not just about the immediate situation it's just that he's randomly out of the blue said it in an argument and made out like it's been all me since we got back together. I certainly didn't take him back for his sperm I took him back because he is my husband and I wanted my children to have a family. I never said that was the only reason I took him back - but if he'd said 'I want to be back together and be a family etc etc but another baby is never going to happen' it would have changed my decision because I'd wanted another one before his infidelity and still do sad

needasmartnn Tue 01-Nov-16 22:34:13

ditzy yeah I really do. But I don't want to be bullied into that being delayed for a few years because he says MY reasons are selfish

expatinscotland Tue 01-Nov-16 22:34:34

You need to move on. He reneged on having more children, using his other child as leverage, and cheated on you. Nothing to save here.

Dozer Tue 01-Nov-16 22:37:56

Not the main point at all, but how many DC does he have, and how many with you?

Also if you were not trying not protecting for 7 years without conceiving, and you really wanted more DC, didn't you think about tests etc?

needasmartnn Tue 01-Nov-16 22:40:19

I have two he has four (DSC are a good bit older)
I never saw it as worry because we actively tried for the two we have so to speak and haven't done that since. I'm younger than him and we'd discussed testing before we hit the rocky patch (me mainly because he's obviously fertile)

Dozer Tue 01-Nov-16 22:44:09

Men can have secondary infertility too.

needasmartnn Tue 01-Nov-16 22:44:18

That's not really the point anyway. What I'm asking is AIBU to end my marriage because he's misled me into thinking we are going to have another baby and now taken that choice away from me suddenly?

clumsyduck Tue 01-Nov-16 22:47:46

Well I wouldn't end it for misleading or to punish him id end it because if you really want another baby and he doesn't you can't force him too and you will need to be with someone else who does want a baby . Quite a simplistic view I guess but if you will resent him and regret not having another it doesn't leave you with much choice !

And this is aside from the cheating !

Bubblegum18 Tue 01-Nov-16 22:49:34

A band aid baby won't fix you're relationship

Dozer Tue 01-Nov-16 22:50:50

Yanbu to end your marriage for any reason, if that's what you wish to do. It doesn't really matter who's "to blame".

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