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To be disappointed by pil lack of response?

(9 Posts)
Afternoondelights Tue 01-Nov-16 21:06:50

My dad died a month ago, he had been sick for a while. We (and my three brothers) had a very up and down relationship, he would go nc with one or all of us at various points over the years for trivial reasons. My dm and df were divorced and my df had remarried. I was nc with him up until a week before he died, he asked to see me so I went to see him and we made our peace with each other. I was very upset when he died, it really hit me that we had wasted so much time, etc. My dh and u have been married 17 years, together 22 altogether. My pil haven't been in touch at all, no phone call, card, anything. I got a phone call from dsil which I really appreciated but that was it. Am I being over sensitive? We get on well, they live four hours away so we only see them a couple of times a year but always get on well when we do see each other. I just feel sad that I don't matter to them.

fiorentina Tue 01-Nov-16 21:52:25

That seems insensitive but maybe like many people they find it hard to know what to say. No excuse, it's a time when you should just bite the bullet and support someone.
Are they usually thoughtless?

Hopefully your DH is more supportive. flowers

ConvincingLiar Tue 01-Nov-16 21:54:13

Sounds poor.

Ohyesiam Tue 01-Nov-16 22:06:36

Unless you know them to be self absorbed and insensitive, it's probably lack of confidence in knowing what to say. I couldn't believe how scared people were of the subject when I was believed.

stillwantrachelshair Tue 01-Nov-16 22:10:59

My PIL live 4hrs away. When FIL died, DH was up there but I was at home with the DC. Whilst I spoke to DH loads, I didn't speak to MIL or BIL until the following week when I went up for the funeral. Obviously I didn't send her a card or specifically call her as that would have been weird.
I think with close family but who are you one step removed from it can be a bit odd working out what to do.

WeAllHaveWings Tue 01-Nov-16 22:34:10

MIL/BILs/SIL on dhs side never contacted me either, but then I never really see/speak to them other than at family gatherings/visits anyway so I didn't have any expectations or think it strange they didn't. I know when dh speaks to them they ask how I am and that OK for me.

Nanny0gg Tue 01-Nov-16 22:39:05

I would have expected a card, at least.

LittleCandle Tue 01-Nov-16 22:46:29

My DF was very friendly with my in-laws. When he died, a friend (who knew them) phoned XSIL. Her response was 'what do you want me to say?' She made it clear she couldn't care less. I was gob-smacked. So perhaps silence is the better option. At least that way, you can offer them the benefit of the doubt and think that they don't know what to say. Perhaps they are waiting to speak to you in person. Its hard, though. I'm sorry for your loss.

Afternoondelights Wed 02-Nov-16 09:46:33

Weallhavewings yes they ask dh how I am so maybe I should just accept that that's enough for them, they're a very vocal family iykwim, not shy in saying how they feel. Etc so maybe this just feels odd for them given I had gone nc with my dad. Thanks all for the replies.

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