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To want my son to live elsewhere

(81 Posts)
nameChangerHigh Tue 01-Nov-16 17:41:48

He's a nightmare and always has been. He's 15 now, has been stealing from us consistently for years, taking alcohol and cigarettes, money, god knows what else. He goes out and comes back when he feels like it (sometimes after midnight), he says horrible things like his brother is the result of a failed abortion, im a shit parent, my autistic step son is a retard, fuck off and die etc etc. I've involved the community police regarding the stealing and it basically just went over his head. When he was younger he was assessed for special needs and they said he was fine, just needed more discipline (however my eldest son is absolutely fine), he's constantly in trouble at school, to the point where in the last week of school before summer hols they rang me saying "just keep him off until September".
I've tried getting his father to help and he's useless, just laughs at him and encouraged him so I said "you have him then" and he went quiet.

Tonight he apparently got into a fight with my eldest son and came home shouting "that's what you get for raising such a shit son" so I snapped and said "coming from you??". I maybe shouldn't have done but DS1 was sent home from college today suffering an extreme panic attack, ended up at doctors and has been referred to MIND so the last thing I want to hear is him slagging him off. He then got in my face saying "you what?" Etc. Then he walks off with the usual "you're fucked up you mate" etc etc.

I just don't want him here anymore. I've tried with him but he doesn't want to know. He's wrecking my marriage (got in DHs face saying "come on then, I'll get my dad to kick the shit out of you" to which DH walks off saying "I didn't sign up for all this shit".)

He makes the house an unhappy place for DS1 and puts me off my work, I'm on sick at the moment with stress. I've tried his dad again who isn't interested.

DS2 has now stormed out and I don't know where he is or what he's up to. I've found a knife hidden in his room in the past and all sorts.

I want to give up.

WaitrosePigeon Tue 01-Nov-16 17:43:57

Oh my god you poor thing. You sound absolutely at the end of your tether?

Could you ring social services?

BeautyGoesToBenidorm Tue 01-Nov-16 17:45:25

Didn't want to read and run flowers You must be utterly beside yourself. Have the school offered no support?

I wish I had some advice I could give you - but I didn't want your thread to go unanswered.

It sounds as if you are going through hell, and I don't blame you for feeling utterly desperate and at the end of your tether. I wouldn't want to live with someone like that, and I can't imagine how stressful it is for you and your other children.

It also sounds as if your son needs a lot of help, and he needs it asap- for his sake and for the rest of the family too. I just hope that someone with more knowledge than me comes along soon, and can advise you on what to do to get the help you all need.

You sound like a brilliant mum, who has done her best in the worst of circumstances.

neonrainbow Tue 01-Nov-16 17:48:49

It's a shame his dad won't take him. If you kicked him out wouldn't his dad be made to take him in?

BeautyGoesToBenidorm Tue 01-Nov-16 17:51:20

neon, his dad can't be forced to take him, no - social services would put the thumbscrews on, but ultimately if he refuses, I don't think they can force the matter.

nameChangerHigh Tue 01-Nov-16 17:52:34

He knows I won't kick him out, I know too that I couldn't do that, despite wanting to.

I'm wondering if social services can help? I went to his open night last week and every single one of his teachers said he's intelligen but chooses to disrupt the class instead leading to him being sent out for the sake of others (which I totally agree with). His history teacher said he's the most intelligent kid in the year group regarding history but he's in bottom set because the other teachers won't have him disrupting their classes.

spankhurst Tue 01-Nov-16 17:53:26

That sounds extremely stressful, OP. flowers

Could you involve social services? What if you say that you simply cannot have your DS in the house anymore?

BeautyGoesToBenidorm Tue 01-Nov-16 17:54:40

I'd definitely give social services a call - try approaching the school too, they may offer to make the referral, which might have a bit more clout when it comes to things being dealt with more efficiently.

spankhurst Tue 01-Nov-16 17:55:39

x post, sorry.

I think you might have to take drastic measures if he is making your other child a nervous wreck and jeopardising your marriage. There are consequences to vile behaviour and you aren't an emotional punchbag.

JenLindleyShitMom Tue 01-Nov-16 17:58:46

OH OP! sad thanks this sounds like hell for you all. I have no advice or experience, I'm sorry. I'm sure you've considered this but Is there any family he could stay with that might give you some respite or even help straighten him out a bit? Do you know why he is so angry?

JayDot500 Tue 01-Nov-16 18:00:59

Ask him if he would prefer to live with his dad/elsewhere. Tell him you love him and want to make him happy, and he doesn't seem happy at home. He's not a young boy anymore. He's old enough for some tough love imo. Why should he have you and your DH fretting over what he'll do next?

Have you any SS/school support? Does he have any career/life aspirations that you know of? What makes him happy? Is he doing well otherwise? Is this just a phase or has it been this way for a long long while?

MissVictoria Tue 01-Nov-16 18:02:58

Maybe you need to bite the bullet and actually have him go live with his dad, at least for a while.
His behaviour is disgusting and it isn't fair on your DP, DSS (especially if he has SN) or his older brother. The threats he is making to your DP are out of order and they have a right not to be threatened, stolen from etc in their own home.
He isn't changing because you're not making him change. You just said you want to kick him out but won't, and he knows it, and will carry on doing as he pleases, stealing, making threats and very hurtful comments because he knows you're too soft to punish him.
You're risking losing your partner, he has to put his son first and the environment isn't safe, let alone for an autistic child who often need lots of understanding and structure, your son sounds like he'd destroy that just for fun and the effect on DSS could be catastrophic.
By letting him stay when he acts this way, you're not respecting your oldest child, partner or stepson, their needs or feelings.
Have your son go live with his dad, or see if social services could temporarily house him.

Halloweensnake Tue 01-Nov-16 18:04:07

ADHD,would be my guess,coupled with upset from the divorce..has produced an unhappy young man.💐

Gottagetmoving Tue 01-Nov-16 18:04:35

You do need to get help and advice as soon as possible. Your DS must be a very unhappy and angry young man so you can't deal with this yourself.
It may be that something went wrong with discipline a long time ago. We all make mistakes, especially when we have a relationship break up and new partner.
Siblings are not always the same behaviour-wise because they have different needs and process things differently.
The main thing is, your son is almost an adult and threatening behaviour is worrying now he is not small enough for you to handle.
Speak to your doctor or social services to see if you can get help or counselling for you both.
I know it's difficult but remember he is an unhappy child who needs some support . Please seek advice from a professional.

nameChangerHigh Tue 01-Nov-16 18:04:46

None of my family can take him, they're all old with health problems. I have suggested to his dad that he ask around his family who are younger and fitter than mine but no response yet. He's always been like this, from primary school - always a tearaway.

He doesn't seem to have any aspirations or plans, I keep asking him about careers and he just says "dunno yet". He's failing all his GCSEs anyway so choice will be limited.

yorkshapudding Tue 01-Nov-16 18:07:59

If you kicked him out wouldn't his dad be made to take him in?

Nope. Doesn't work like that. If OP was to call social services and say that she is no longer willing to have her son at home then they would attempt to place him in the care of a suitable relative (with the relatives agreement) but if this was not possible it would be an emergency foster care placement or a residential childrens home.

Even if people could somehow be compelled by the authorities to care for a child, considering the OP has said his Dad doesn't want him, "laughs at him" and "encourages" his behaviour, I doubt very much him being forced to take him in would actually help the situation.

OP, in your position I would contact childrens services and explain the situation, they may be able to offer you some support. Do you know who is in charge of Safeguarding at your son's school? Is there a Pastoral team? If so they may be able to assist you with this.

nameChangerHigh Tue 01-Nov-16 18:08:44

Me and his father split up when he was 2 years old. I doubt he can even remember ever living with his dad. DH and I have been together 6 years and if anything will break us, he will.

I WANt him to live with his dad, genuinely I do but his dad/girlfriend won't have him. I can't kick him out at 15 with nowhere to go.

sansXsouci Tue 01-Nov-16 18:09:59

Definitely try social services. Sil got social services involved when her son was 15, it didn't solve all their problems, but it helped a lot.

MissVictoria Tue 01-Nov-16 18:10:04

Can you call the police and insist he is removed from your house and taken to stay with his father due to the incident he's caused today with your eldest and getting in your face threateningly too? His dad is legally responsible for caring for him too and he shouldn't get away with "not wanting to know".

MissVictoria Tue 01-Nov-16 18:12:08

Ah read above post, if they won't take him to his father but will take him elsehwer,e i think you should do it for this one night at least to give poor DS1 a bit of breathing room after what must have been a traumatic day.

nameChangerHigh Tue 01-Nov-16 18:12:44

See when I think about him being hauled off to a children's home I feel sick with guilt. He's so immature, sometimes it's like having a sweet little 9 year old lad chatting to me about puppies and stuff - then he flips and it's like living with a 20 year old hooligan.

He even tries to put on the London gangster talk "what you saying fam?" "You"re fucked up innit" etc etc - sounds ridiculous, especially coming from a Yorkshire lad. I can't imagine other 15 year olds talking like that, it's so childish

Anydaysoon Tue 01-Nov-16 18:13:17

I have been / still am exactly where you are my 17 year old has ADHD, your son sounds very familiar. His dad and I are together so nothing to do with any divorce trauma. PM me if you want to talk with no holds barred.

hollyisalovelyname Tue 01-Nov-16 18:16:48

He's one unhappy boy.
Though he wouldn't admit it.
He wants attention- even if it's negative attention.
He's just lashing out.
If there was somebody he could open up to.
Hopefully others with answers will be along soon to help you.

ImAMoving Tue 01-Nov-16 18:19:21

Very sorry OP. I would phone SS and explain everything you've told us. Also tell his dad you are doing the same and see if that changes anything.

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