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AIBU to want to restrict my mother's-partner's access to my child?

(51 Posts)
Mfr14 Tue 01-Nov-16 10:59:28

Back story – My parents separated 2 1/1 years ago. My father is not over it and is still very awkward about my relationship with my mother and can be paranoid etc (I know, he needs to grow up but he’s just not an emotionally strong person). He lives a ½ day’s travel from me so we don’t get to see each other often.
My DM lives 5 mins away from me, so we see each other a few times a week and are close. She has a new partner for over a year now who also lives close. He is not to my personal taste but he makes her happy and healthy so I am happy for her. However she can no longer seem to attend anything on her own (dinners, “pop over for a cup of tea”-ers, walks etc). There have been dinners etc before when my sisters and I have specifically asked DM not to invite her partner as we want just the family, not even our own husbands, and he would still pop up at some point in the night.

I am pregnant with the first grandchild. Obviously with my DM living so close she will get a lot more time with the child than my DF will, which is fine, however I am not comfortable with her partner being there all the time. I am concerned this will upset my DF.
I am concerned DM will take her partner along for the birth which I don’t want.
And I have also already planned for my DM to come on holiday with us (we are paying) at the end of next year to help us with our child while attending my DH’s family wedding and all of a sudden there is chat about him coming along too but we have never invited him. I feel (apart from not wanting to spend so much time with someone I don’t personally enjoy the company of) that going on holiday with him would outrageously upset my own DF.

AIBU to want to restrict his access to my child? If not, how do I go about having this conversation with my DM??

franincisco Tue 01-Nov-16 11:05:30

I am concerned DM will take her partner along for the birth

Whaaat? In that case you really need to lay down some ground rules from now.

I have been through the first child and trying to appease both sides. It is very difficult and you need to set clear boundaries and not be guilted into anything you are not happy with.

I would consider your mother's relationship to still be in its infancy so I would not assume that he would have a grandparent role. If you are not happy with him being present every time your DM comes over then you need to make this clear. YANBU and good luck.

quicklydecides Tue 01-Nov-16 11:08:47

I think you are confused because you are considering your father's feelings as well as your own.
Forget about your father for a moment.

Now, just thinking of yourself, it's still reasonable to want to see your mother NY herself without her partner.
It's that simple.
Just talk to her at that level
"You're my mother and I want to see you without your new friend being with you all of the time"

FatOldBag Tue 01-Nov-16 11:12:39

I think it's a bit silly to restrict access because it would upset your dad given his feelings for your mum. He doesn't have any ownership of her, he needs to move on. If you don't like the bf then it's fine to restrict access on that basis, but so as not to upset someone who (a) shouldn't be upset by it and (b) wouldn't even know about it, is just ridiculous.

You need to be clear as fuck with your dm that the bf is NOT welcome at the birth or the holiday though. But be prepared she might not want to go on the holiday anymore as she'd rather stay home with her partner than babysit on her own for a week, which is also fair enough - you just need to be honest with each other about what you are and are not prepared to do.

GiddyOnZackHunt Tue 01-Nov-16 11:13:32

Well she can't just roll up at the birth with people in tow and get a ringside seat. You as the labouring woman decide exactly who you want in the room and I think 2 is usually the limit.
You need to tell her that you miss seeing her 1:1. Even if she was still with your df you'd want 1:1. It's nice she's happy but you would occasionally like that time.
It may be her in the flush of romance or it could be him not liking independence.

Mfr14 Tue 01-Nov-16 11:20:25

Sorry I should of worded the "at the birth" bit better I don't expect them in the room with me but being in the hospital, him and my DF in the waiting room together...that panics me. Plus I don't want him coming in to visit me when I'm a bloody mess after just giving birth!

Bloopbleep Tue 01-Nov-16 11:29:41

Your mum is in the honeymoon phase of her relationship and they want to do everything together. You can understand that I'm sure. What you need to do it point out to your mum how uncomfortable it makes you.

GiddyOnZackHunt Tue 01-Nov-16 12:43:23

Again you don't have to have visitors until you're ready. There aren't usually waiting rooms in the UK - it's not like the US. So they'll be in a cafe but only if you tell them you're in labour. And the ward staff can just let your parents in. It's possibly easier to let him in for 10 mins at the hospital once you're ready than have an hour at home!

Mfr14 Tue 01-Nov-16 13:44:32

Thanks for the advice everyone, good to know I'm not just being difficult!
I need to just go for it and have the awkward conversation with my mum.
I think talking to her about my own feelings, leaving out my father's, would make her understand more.
Thank you!

HereIAm20 Tue 01-Nov-16 13:48:29

Why would anybody be in the waiting room while you are in labour? Its not the 1960s and your DH can let them know fairly easily these days by text or phone when the baby has been born and then they can come in.

You do have to accept that as far as your DM is concerned her partner is her partner and that they are a couple and she likes to be treated as such so something like a holiday she would expect her partner to come with her. However there will be times where it should just be a Mum and me thing like a coffee or girl's day out etc.

Imagine if your DM started expressing a wish not to have your DH along.

Bubblegum18 Tue 01-Nov-16 13:49:44

I highly doubt she would bring her new partner to you're body has she said or are you assuming? As for the holiday Yabu she good enough to baby sit but on her own? She's not allowed company

PotteringAlong Tue 01-Nov-16 13:52:23

They can't be in the waiting room whilst you're in labour. Unless you're in the USA I suppose. It just doesn't work like that in U.K. hospitals. They won't be allowed to wait on the labour ward.

Mfr14 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:01:52

Ok, I get it, you don't have people waiting in the hospital - 1st time giving birth and 1st of my siblings so don't know how all that works yet but I wouldn't want an awkward exchange between the BF and my Father.

The holiday, she isn't babysitting the full week, she will have the baby for the evening part of the wedding, but we planned on making it a full weeks holiday together.

The point with how would I feel if she started asking to see my DH less, that is the part that is making me feel bad about the whole situation. I support her relationship and if I wasn't having a baby I wouldn't be making an issue of this. It doesn't feel right to me that my child would be that much closer to the BF than their own grandfather.

willconcern Tue 01-Nov-16 14:14:32

I think you're over-thinking this. As your DM and her partner live 5 minutes away, and your dad half a day away, it is inevitable that DM and her partner will see your child more. You are trying to prevent something that you can't prevent, IMO.

Sorry, but I think your dad is just going to have to suck this one up.

I also think it's very mean to invite your mum along on holiday to babysit, but refuse to allow her partner to come along on that holiday. You don't seem to be worried about upsetting your mum, only your dad?

Bubblegum18 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:23:14

Your attitude to your DM partner is appalling how would you feel if she was like that about your DH? You want to minimise the contact her DP has with your child, your basically dictating conditions when she see your child, what about Christmas and birthday she suppose to come alone? Your DF needs to get over it tbh, if I was your DM I would be annoyed with you dictating to me how I live my life and who I choose to live it with.

You still using her for childcare so you can enjoy the wedding child free don't brush it up for what it is. She's good for some stuff not for others.

Of course it's not like America there's no waiting room where everyone gathers 🙄

Bubblegum18 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:24:50

If your DF has such an issue he could mover closer don't punish your DM

Aeroflotgirl Tue 01-Nov-16 14:26:19

I would be very clear with her regarding the birth, and holiday, and other things. You have to put boundaries up, or he will be popping up all over the place.

mouldycheesefan Tue 01-Nov-16 14:26:52

Family don't gather at the hospital whilst you are in labour. So that's dealt with. Most people don't tell everyone that they are in labour they tell them when the baby is born.

AcrossthePond55 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:28:45

I think you may want to consider if pandering (for lack of a better word) to your father is really helpful to him in getting over this split. He may not be emotionally strong, but there is help for that and he should be getting that help. By feeding into his feelings, you may actually be delaying the healing process.

I think it's absolutely reasonable to tell your mother that you don't want her BF always around and that he is NOT 'invited' to the hospital. That's 100% your call.

As far as the holiday goes, you're paying so you're in charge of the 'guest list' for your accommodations. But there's really not much you can do if they decide that he's going to get a room in the same place at his own expense. You need to get this clarified with your mother and make sure she understands that you don't want any surprise appearances! But I also suggest that you make tentative plans for what you'll do if she backs out of providing childcare or if he shows up.

I don't think you need to consider this in light of your mum theoretically wanting to see less of your DH. There's a world of difference between someone's DH and a relatively new BF when it comes to family times.

MakeItStopNeville Tue 01-Nov-16 14:36:52

I live 3500 miles away from my parents and my in laws. It's perfectly feasible to foster a close relationship between a GP and a child, regardless of distance. There's FaceTime and Skype for a start.

But the most important part is that you talk about Grandad to them so they're aware he is a very important person in their life. My kids get so excited when they see their GPs in real life and, even though we have people here they are very close to, this doesn't impact their relationship with their Gmas and Gdads.

Mfr14 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:40:03

Ah fudge, now I'm confused again. So do I have to just grin and bear the BF constantly being around while I'm trying to figure out how to be a new mum?

I wouldn't cut off access, I was just hoping it was acceptable to ask for a line to be drawn somewhere.

BillSykesDog Tue 01-Nov-16 14:41:26

YANBU about wanting to see your mother on her own. YADNBU about the birth!

YABU about the holiday. It's a bit unfair to say you expect her to play gooseberry for your childcare without any company.

Mfr14 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:46:30

Thanks Accrossthepond55, I don't normally pander to his emotions when it comes to my mother, usually telling him to grow up or that it's none of his business now. But with this being his 1st grandchild I can't help but feel for him.

MakeitstopNeville -Thanks, it's good to know there are others who have the distance but it doesn't effect the relationship.

DontMindMe1 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:59:41

Just tell her that you'd like to spend some time with just her to chat about girly/motherhood/catch up etc. Then make a point of arranging a visit/outing once a week/month where it's just you girls.

That way you're not coming across as 'unreasonable' and she has no grounds to argue. The stuck-to-each-other-like-glue routine reminds of when you're still in your 'honeymoon' period of the relationship. It will calm down.....just keep an eye on it in case it's a red flag of a controlling partner.

Hospital - keep it very simple with immediate family only - your mum,dad and any siblings. You can also let your midwife/nurses know your rules and they can make sure nobody is allowed in until you're ready.
Your mother shouldn't have an issue with her BF not being there - it just isn't the time or place.

SquinkiesRule Tue 01-Nov-16 15:06:07

We have similar happening with my mother. This weekend we met for lunch and he had gone to see his own daughter and my mother seemed annoyed, so I told her, it's nice to get you to ourselves for a change. I'm sure his daughter likes to see him once in a while too. She looked confused.
His family never invite my mother along when they do dinners. But Mum invites him to ours. It's starting to piss me right off.
Dh said you leave it slide, and just leave them to it. So I am.

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