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To feel trapped in this frienship but not know how to end it?

(140 Posts)
HandcuffedToAGhost Tue 01-Nov-16 01:36:15

We met in a self-help/ peer support group about 8 years ago but the only thing we had in common was the issue we went there to deal with and I no longer go to the group. She's not done anything wrong and is a kind person but I find her really boring, our lifestyles and priorities, sense of humour and some of our values are really different. I've tried not getting in touch and delaying meeting up hoping we'd sort of drift apart but she won't let go and I although I feel dishonest about staying friends I feel like a selfish cow being resentful about meeting for coffee every couple of weeks when it seems to mean so much to her. She has very few friends although she does have a happy marriage and a job she enjoys. I made a big mistake about 4 years ago taking her up on the offer of staying (with her) in her holiday home for a week because since then I've felt like I'm obliged to stay friends. WIBU to end the friendship and, if not, how the hell do I do it?

TheMaddHugger Tue 01-Nov-16 02:03:22

Introduce her to another friend and do a slow fade ?

I have many friends like this and keep that friendship going. Sometimes it's not about what I need.

SilentBiscuits Tue 01-Nov-16 02:27:13

OK, if she gave you her kidney four years ago I would understand. But a week in a holiday home four years ago?! That is an incredibly strong sense of obligation you've got going on there!

Honestly, it's fine to end the friendship! Just let her drift, it's kinder than the truth. Stop replying to her texts, or say something like "I'm really busy at the moment, I'll get back to you when I have more time." and repeat.

HandcuffedToAGhost Tue 01-Nov-16 03:15:54

I've tried the slow fade! I recently ignored 7 consequetive texts over a fortnight but then I buckled. So it wouldn't be okay to raise a subject that I know we have very different views on then manufacture my outrage, like "I can't believe you've said that" and flounce out (we're meeting in cafe at 6 o'clock tonight - which is probably why I can't get to sleep).

TheMaddHugger Tue 01-Nov-16 04:00:05

ok Slow fade. [ ignored 7 texts over a fortnight but then I buckled.]

don't beat yourself up for buckling. next try to extend the time further, If you can, great, if you cant, its ok.

It's a slow fade not an instant Cut Off/Shun/cold shoulder.

Don't be so harsh on yourself. ((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

TheMaddHugger Tue 01-Nov-16 04:03:07

Slow Fade also means you Do answer some texts. Just to say you are sooooooooooo Busy and can't talk now. Must go.
Don't ever say why or what you are running off to do.

TheMaddHugger Tue 01-Nov-16 04:05:11

slow fade also means answering some texts. Just don't share why or what you are running off to do.

Cucumber5 Tue 01-Nov-16 04:22:09

What would happen if when you met tomorrow you just had a laugh and steared the conversation when it got a bit boring. You're obviously less keen on her but she really likes you. Do you have any cross over interests at all? Which boys are boring?

Slow fade is always an idea.

flumpybear Tue 01-Nov-16 04:33:44

Just cancel if you really don't want to go - I'd hate to be on the receiving end if that friendship if that's what you really thought of me

SandysMam Tue 01-Nov-16 07:30:10

Go for an hour, chat and have a really nice cake (your reward!). Reply back to messages but only see her once every few months. Unless she is toxic or bad for your mental health in terms of stirring up the original issue you went to the group for, I would just do it to be kind. She doesn't sound that demanding and if you reign her in you can probably make her feel nice without sacrificing too much of yourself. I am all for ditching toxic frenemies but she just sounds sad and sweet!

TheoriginalLEM Tue 01-Nov-16 07:34:52

i kind of feel sorry for her

HandcuffedToAGhost Tue 01-Nov-16 13:02:29

Cucumber5 that's what I've been doing for years though, absolutely no crossover interests since I left group.
Madd absolutely it's not always about what I need, that's why I've kept seeing her but like flumpy said I'd hate it if someone thought of me like a charity friend or something, being so dishonest is really uncomfortable basis for relationship and makes me feel squirmy. I don't understand how she hasn't taken the hint so far! Does slow fade mean replying to fewer and fewer texts and never agreeing to meet up?

Thundercake Tue 01-Nov-16 13:07:19

What about a kind email saying you've got a lot going on at the moment and need to take a step back from socialising. You could say you've enjoyed (past tense) her company over the past few years and wish her all the best for the future.

That said.. I wouldn't have the balls to send that!!

glitterandtinsel Tue 01-Nov-16 13:07:44

I always read these threads and get really upset for the friend that's being dumped. Why do I read them?!

witchofzog Tue 01-Nov-16 13:18:08

What Thunder cake said. All this slow fading stuff is actually not very nice and will leave the friend worrying what they have done wrong possibly leading to self esteem issues. Unless the friend is toxic in some way do the right thing and let her know in a kind way.

pasturesgreen Tue 01-Nov-16 13:22:39

Meeting every couple of weeks is quite a lot even with good friends. Maybe start going longer between meetings?

Christmas is coming up, people are always soooo busy around Christmas, you'll probably find unable to fit in a catch up for a while, however much you'd love to wink

Lovelyideas Tue 01-Nov-16 13:23:53

Can't you go to the cinema or something?

Gottagetmoving Tue 01-Nov-16 13:28:17

Just be too busy to meet up. Tell her that you have struggled to keep up the meetings because you have too much to do and that you had best not make any future arrangements.

PrivatePike Tue 01-Nov-16 14:07:05

I always read these threads and get really upset for the friend that's being dumped. Why do I read them?!

Argh, me too!

bibbitybobbityyhat Tue 01-Nov-16 14:10:53

I would be honest with her.

bibbitybobbityyhat Tue 01-Nov-16 14:13:00

I do feel sorry for the friend, too, but she is being horribly demanding! I haven't got any friends, local or distant, who I see every two weeks! Even my neighbours who I love to bits. It's too much, like everyone else I've got too much else going on in my life.

RupertPupkin Tue 01-Nov-16 14:13:04

I would hate to be someone's pity friend. Far kinder to let the friendship go, OP.

I can't decide the best way to do this but I like gotta's simple message.

HandcuffedToAGhost Tue 01-Nov-16 14:21:54

witchofzog yes I agree slow fade seems hurtful and confusing. Also she knows I'm not too busy to see her and she'll find out I've continued to see other friends. I think it's because of how we met that she's so attached to me - self help group involved sharing personal stuff and being very supportive.Tbh I don't really like her - it's not that she's in the wrong just that we've got such different values.I don't know why I'm being so spineless here blush

bumsexatthebingo Tue 01-Nov-16 14:25:50

I would ignore some texts then reply saying how busy you are with (insert whatever) and you can't do that day but you'll let her know and keep having excuses. She will then hopefully just assume you no longer have much free time because of your hobby or whatever it is rather than you just don't enjoy her company. I certainly wouldn't invent a flounce! That's the kind of thing she could dwell on wondering what she'd done wrong - especially as she wouldn't have actually done anything wrong!

Myrobalanna Tue 01-Nov-16 14:26:43

Don't send her an email, that will be incredibly hurtful and unnecessary.
Answer some texts but leave a day or two before you do.
Be busy and drag out the gaps between coffee meetings.
And stop overthinking it. It's all right not to want to spend time with people. If you are stressed by the texts, work on that because they are only texts.

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