Because apparently some people think I "should have got over it by now" , "it's in the past" and the worst comment "oh you're never going to let me forget it are you ???" Said by DM (who was responsible)
Nearly 16 years ago, aged 18 I was forced to have a second trimester termination. I don't think I'll ever get over it. I've posted about it before as find it very hard in rl to articulate my feelings or find anyone other than dh or my counsellor to speak to.
Every November I nosedive into depression. DM is never sympathetic and cannot understand that it has affected my life since then and will probably continue to do so forever. A 'sweep it under the carpet' attitude. No acknowledging my pain or loss
I'm not BU am I to believe that such a traumatic event stays with you always and shapes who you are ? I feel like I was so young and somehow it did something to me, affected my mind in some awful way and it can't recover from that horrific trauma? Or am I wrong? If Iam when does that point come where I will feel better ?
Am I U ? I don't know. It's 1st November tomorrow and I hate November. I needed to talk i think that's all. Type it out, get it all out. Somehow it makes me feel like that poor poor beautiful child is still remembered, still thought about and written about but I wish it was in a better way than this
AIBU?
**Trigger Warning** Baby loss. Title changed by Mumsnet."To think that a massively traumatic event DOES affect the rest of your life?"
Hedgehog80 · 31/10/2016 22:24
When I was 16 I accidentally fell pregnant and my mom told me, very matter of fact, that having a baby would ruin my life and the next day she had me down a Family Planning Centre and the first steps were in place for me to have a termination. No discussion was had, she never asked me once what I wanted and I just went along with it. She also told me I was not allowed to tell anyone else in my family that I was pregnant so I was utterly alone. I remember the night before my termination I just wanted to run away but I was too scared too.
On the morning of the termination I cried the whole way there and not once did my mom even ask if I was ok, she just carried on driving.
As I lay on the anaesthetic table and they came at me with the syringe to give me the anaesthetic I was desperate to cry out, to tell them I didn't want to do it, but I didn't. From the start my mom had made me feel like the choice was not mine to make.
After the termination my life completely spiralled and I changed into someone I didn't recognise, I was always drinking, destructive behaviours, having sex with lots of men, I just went crazy. I was full of guilt for what I had done and full of guilt that I hadn't had the courage to stand up to my mom. I hated myself.
For years and years I tortured myself over it all, went over and over it again in my mind, constantly berating myself for letting it happen. The ironic thing is that I was so, so angry at myself but never felt anger towards my mother.
Every year when the anniversary date of the termination came around I would shut myself away for days and just cry. I did the same when the anniversary of the due date came around each year too.
I lived a life where no matter what I did the trauma of my experience stayed with me every day - it was always there behind my smiles and it was like a weight I carried around with me.
I would say it took about 12 years until I actually made some kind of peace with it. The only way I realised that I was on the road to recovery was because one year the anniversary date of the termination came and went without me even realising it.
I'm 33 now, so 17 years have passed and I would say that it's only in the last 2-3 years that I've found myself in a place where I can think about the termination, and talk about it, without crying.
What happened is never, ever spoken about between me and my mom anymore. We act like it never happened. Once, when I was about 23 she made a reference to it and described it as "that trouble I once got myself in" but since then it's never been mentioned.
You have my sympathies because emotionally coping with a forced termination is soul destroying in a lot of painful ways
writer I'm so sorry you have been through this too
I too just before wanted to say I couldn't go through with it. I asked DM to get the doctor to remove the pessary and she laughed and said no and I couldn't get up through fear the baby would just fall out I was petrified. When I was finally taken down o sobbed and begged them to please not hurt the baby and to make sure it went to heaven and then that was it I dont remember much more after that it was dreadful
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
YANBU. The very definition of "trauma", when used in a psychological context is that there is permanent damage to the mind. There is no choice, there is no getting over it. Though there may be help and coping techniques.
You have been through a "massively traumatic" event. Something has changed inside you forever. There can be no sweeping under the carpet. If this cannot be recognised by your mother then you should seek to limit your relationship with her.
The situation you described is horrific. I have been permanently affected by a somewhat lesser event - an abortion of my own choosing - so can understand how your situation must affect you.
I'm sorry you went through this .
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