...to want to take my dad up on this offer?(104 Posts)
This may be a bit long so apologies in advance but trying to avoid drip-feeding!
Dp and I have been together for 5 years. We live together in rented accommodation with my ds from a previous relationship. This has been a tough year for a variety of reasons and things have been a bit wobbly at times, with both of us broaching the subject of splitting. However, each time, we have got back on a good footing. I would like this to be a permanent relationship, but equally I am not scared of being alone.
One of the main issues for us has been money. We both work fulltime in professional roles, although at the moment I earn a fair bit more than dp. I pay for the majority of rent/bills due to higher income and the fact that dp is paying off debts from previous mismanagement of finances. He is sorting this but it takes time, and his attitude to money is still a bit 'bung it on the credit card', which is difficult for me as I am the opposite.
Anyway, the issue is this. Recently, my lovely mum died, leaving my dad in a large and mostly unused house. He is adamant that he does not want to sell, but he has offered for me, dp and ds to come and live there, if we would like to.
The house is big enough for me dp and ds to have our own bedrooms, bathroom, study, sitting room and dining room etc. Far more space than we could ever hope to afford on our own. My dad is very laid back and would never interfere with us. He would have his own living and working space; we would share a kitchen and garden/outside space etc. Dp and I would take over most of the household finances, helping out my dad and leaving us better off too. I would be able to keep a close eye on dad as well, which would help my state of mind as I have become very anxious about him since mum died.
For me, this is a no-brainer. No more wasting money on paying off someone else's mortgage with nothing to show for it and no financial security. Able to be close to my dad and support him. Lower outgoings so that there is less pressure on us and dp can pay off his debts faster. If it was just me and ds, I would go for it.
However, I know dp will reject the idea. And whilst I do, absolutely, understand that few people relish the idea of living with the in-laws, to my mind the positives vastly outweigh the negatives here. But his attitude to my dad (who really likes and respects him) has always been one of 'barely tolerating'. I don't know why and he's never been able to give me a real reason, but it is the case.
So what do I do? I think this move would make sense for us, for many practical (and emotional, if I'm honest) reasons. But I know dp will say no. Do I just leave it, say nothing? Or do I ask him to seriously consider it for all the reasons above and hope he sees the benefits for our future? And if he does say no...should I consider going anyway??
100% go for it.
And if your DP doesn't want to move with you then go without him. He sounds like a bit of a cocklodger tbh, leaving you to shoulder all the living costs while racking up debt
I'd move in without him. If someone barely tolerated my dad (when I knew my dad was blameless) then I wouldn't be interested in him.
Sounds like a no brainier as well. You will have the space to lead separate lives and to be sociable when you both want to.
Ultimately would it give you the chance to save for a deosit on your own place or are you the sole heir and so the house would come to you eventually?
Go for it. Without your DP, if necessary. Of course he doesn't want the status quo to change - you're paying off his debt
That's the thing I find hardest, imperial, my dad is genuinely the loveliest man and dp's attitude to him is baffling. I have never known anyone take against dad (quite the opposite in fact, most people adore him) and it was so hurtful to hear dp's opinion.
I think it does sound like a good idea but if your partner is really against it you'll have to choose between staying with him or moving in with your dad. Would you be prepared to end your relationship over it?
My Nana (who was like my Mum) lived with us for a number of years - a few things to think about...
Who is responsible for big repairs in the house? Boiler, roof etc?
Who is reponsible for (and gets final say in) decorating? Upkeep of garden?
What happens if your Dad needs to go into a care home? What if he develops care needs - it'll be much harder to organise home helps and day care etc for him if he has live in help, how will that affect you and your DS?
What happens if your Dad dies? Are you an only child or will his assets be split?
If your Dh barely tolerates your Dad as it is how are they going to mesh living together? Noises from televisions, lights being left on/switched off, mess in the kitchen etc.
YANBU but I alsothink your partner would be reasonable in saying no to this. So you need to have a think about the decision you may be left with.
I do have a brother but he has also told me to go for it. I guess we would have to draw up an arrangement re the house being sold if it came to it later down the line. That would be fine with me.
I thought I'd get a load of 'you're being ridiculous' posts!
Yep- I'd be off without him too.
It's really difficult to be in a relationship with someone that has different financial standards. I'll possibly get blasted for this but in my experience leopards do not change their spots and I'd be worried he'll cost you money forever.
I think you have to put it to your DP anyway, you never know, he might surprise you, especially if you stress the increased ability he will have to pay off debts. If he still refuses then it will be fair enough to ask for a detailed reasoning as to why. I would not want to recommend leaving someone for this sort of reason, but only you can tell if that is the right move.
lyra, all good points and important to consider.
I don't know how they'd live together tbh.
I think it's unlikely that you can move in with your dad and keep your relationship with your partner so if you genuinely want to stay in the relationship, I think it will have to be no. You should mention it to him, not in order to try and persuade him against his wishes, but just so as not to be keeping it secret.
I wouldn't ever have wanted to live with my in laws (nor my own parents) even though I got along with them fine. I value my independence and privacy too much. And it doesn't sound like your partner likes your dad much. I like him better for not explaining why - he's choosing not to criticise your dad to you and that shows consideration and restraint.
On all counts your boyfriend isn't the right one for you. He earns a lot less than you, has a lot of debt, but wants to pay for things on his credit card. He doesn't like your dad and lets you know that. Both you and he have broached splitting up before - there are clearly problems there.
Why did you consider breaking up with him before?
It is difficult, watching - I'd say it was the main source of stress in our relationship really. Dp is the 'instant gratification' type where money is concerned.
Move - this is right for you, your son and your Dad. If your DP is too small minded to get over himself and get on with your Dad then he can maintain all of the cost of living separately whilst you reap the benefits of living in a large loving home.
If he ever joins you make sure he has no financial stake in the house. He sounds like a disaster with money and you might find yourself with large debt against the property just because you're cleaning up his credit happy ways (again).
Condolences on losing your mum
I would ditch your dp and move in with your Dad. Your Dad sounds lovely, when he could easily be wary of your dp, who is as others have said a fully fledged cocklodger!
There are only positives to this move!
Have you considered that the reason your dp has no reasons for disliking your df is because he knows there is no excuse for city? It honestly sounds like your dp just wants to hurt you with that comment. Either that or he wants you to himself and dislikes the close relationship you have with your Father!
The thing to keep in mind if you have a brother is this - if you lose your Dad you may end up losing your home at the same/similar time. That's the reason we moved my Nana in with us and not the other way round (I know we were lucky that was an option).
You need to work out all the little things before you do it. It's not the "Who is going to pay £10k for new windows?" that will cause rows and fall outs - it's the "I think 7am is a perfectly acceptable time to put the tv on loud" that will cause them. The wee things are the key things in arrangements like this.
If you don't think they'll live well together then you can't move all three of you in. It will be intolerable and you will be the one caught right in the middle. Who is more likely to give in? If it's your Dad then are you prepared to have your Dad being made miserable in his own home? If it's your DP then is your relationship strong enough for him to feel like he's being overruled all the time?
It sounds like a great offer, but with or without your DP I would look into having some separate cooking facility, not necessarily a full kitchen (which would make it a multiple occupancy property I think and I understand that is not a good thing), but at least a kettle/fridge/toaster/microwave set up so people can have lazy mornings in bed or early nights without getting in one another's way.
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