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AIBU?

Looking through OH stuff backfired

191 replies

Christinedonna · 31/10/2016 11:04

I don't know whether to feel angry or guilty. Ive just hacked my OHs Instagram and its majorly bitten me in the arse. I've found messages that have majorly upset him me, him talking to a girl about going round there etc when I'd gone out for the day with DD. He's used that opportunity to try and see another girl? I know I shouldn't have gone through his stuff like that. But the way he's been acting lately, really protective of his phone, secretive over where he's going etc..with a young baby to look after all day and me feeling like I just don't matter to him anymore, how could I not look? What should I do now? Do I have a leg to stand on, considering the way I've come across it?

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BusterGonad · 31/10/2016 11:08

It's a really tough one OP as you've crossed the line and have no choice but admit that you snooped in his phone, he will be angry and now you are hurt and upset. I can't see this ending well!

OohMavis · 31/10/2016 11:08

Well, you've had reason to look.

A lot of people will say there's never an excuse to invade someone's privacy, 'just leave if you are suspicious because the trust is gone' etc... but I don't know many people who wouldn't make absolutely sure their spouse is cheating before leaving the relationship, do you?

The bastard is cheating on you, that much is obvious. You've known it in your gut and now you have proof. What are you going to do?

Blackbird82 · 31/10/2016 11:08

I would confront him, just be honest. Say you were feeling suspicious, that he has been acting strangely and you felt like something wasn't right and now you would like an honest explanation re the Instagram stuff. He's likely going to be angry that you've hacked his account because he's been caught out but your gut feeling proved to be right. No doubt had you confronted him with no evidence he would have denied any wrongdoing. Sorry you're going through this x

Christinedonna · 31/10/2016 11:14

I just don't know what's forgivable and what isn't. He imitated conversation with her, if anything she seemed uninterested. Makes me feel sick that they're discussing my daughter, not even trying to hide that fact that he has a child and is doing wrong. Rather than saying "DD is out with her mum visiting her auntie" he said "DD is at her aunties" no mention of me or the fact we're together if you get what I mean? She said her telly is broken, he said "I could come round and fix it?" She said "yeah" he said "I actually would! Except I'm shit at stuff like that so il have to just come round and tense;)" he hasn't gone round there but I feel like that's still unacceptable

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Mrsemcgregor · 31/10/2016 11:14

It hasn't bitten you on the arse, it's done you a massive favour.

You trusted your instincts and thank goodness you did because now you know your "d"hs true colours and can decide your next step.

I don't know why people get so righteous about checking their husbands phones, the whole point of being married is that you share everything and have no secrets. I wouldn't give a toss if my husband went through my phone or mail or handbag and it works both ways.

Christinedonna · 31/10/2016 11:14

He initiated conversation, I mean

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 31/10/2016 11:15

What do you mean by hacking?

Christinedonna · 31/10/2016 11:17

I know his password to other things like Netflix and tried it for insta to see if they were the same and they were

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baconandeggies · 31/10/2016 11:21

So he's been chancing his arm... Of course he's not going to mention you to her. When he says "nothing happened" it doesn't matter - sounds like he wanted it to.

This is enough of a betrayal to trump anything he perceives you've done wrong. If he has a go at you for looking it's only because he knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on..

FatOldBag · 31/10/2016 11:21

How is this backfired? It's not backfired at all, it's shown exactly what he's up to (or what he's trying to get up to). Either talk to him if you think you could work it out, or just leave.

SpookyPotato · 31/10/2016 11:24

Don't feel guilty, you had reason to check. Like Mavis said, most people need to confirm their suspicions before leaving a relationship. Even though he didn't meet her he still wanted to so that definitely needs talking about.. He's actively persuing other women.

PoisonWitch · 31/10/2016 11:24

It hasn't backfired at all. You now have the information you need to decide what to do in your relationship. He was lying to you and you knew it.

kali110 · 31/10/2016 11:26

(Mrsemcgregor because being married does not mean that you can look through all of your partners stuff whenever you like. Just because you wouldn't mind does not mean others would be ok. I wouldn't be happy and i'm not up to anything.)

Op you knew your dp was cheating.
Hacking was wrong but that is the least of your worries now.
Was there anything else on there?
The person he was messaging, has he written anything on her photos?
Has done anything except what you've written?( not that i would be happy but he will come back and say it's nothing, he was just being nice,there was nothing sexual about the messages).

Christinedonna · 31/10/2016 11:31

He would not publicly comment on or like pictures because he knows other people can see that. There's him starting conversations with other girls and then not replying and a girl asking if he would give her a lift and he said "I'm in hospital with (me) atm, sorry". Not "no I have a partner and child on the way and don't need to waste my time or fuel on drunk girls" just "I can't sorry"

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Christinedonna · 31/10/2016 11:34

She said "my bfs here atm" he said "maybe not right now then" if he was being friendly and offering to fix a telly it wouldn't matter if her whole family were there, he's doing her a favour. He clearly had intentions..And then he said "how are you too now? Still arguing?" One- they've spoke about this before. Two- EVERYONE knows that means you're interested in someone, why would you ask such an intrusive question out of curiosity?

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 31/10/2016 11:38

Ah okay. Morally dubious, then, but not overly illegal.

Well, to be honest, I don't think I'd care what he thought about you having read his conversations. It'd be over for me so his opinions wouldn't matter in the slightest. If you hadn't looked, you wouldn't have known that he was chatting up other girls, so the ends sort of justify the means.

If you'd like to stay with him, though, it's more complicated. He'll probably lock down social media tighter and as he is very subtle with anything public, you'd never know if he was being trustworthy. You could lie about how you found out, but in the end, that's not great for your relationship.

I think your next steps depend on what you want to happen now.

Lemon12345 · 31/10/2016 11:40

I wouldn't stand for it. It's not just one girl he's contacted on a drunk night (which I also wouldn't stand for).
You need to decide if talking to other woman in this manner is acceptable or not. Some would say as long as nothing is actually happening a bit of online 'flirting' is acceptable, but to me it's not.
I wouldn't even want to discuss it, after finding he was 'sorry' he couldn't go as you were about to give birth (what a dick!) I would be leaving him.
But if you think you can trust him again after all that, then you need to talk and work it out. You did something wrong (looking at his personal account without his permission) but IMO his wrong is bigger.

I'm another one for between 2 people in a committed relationship phones and accounts etc shouldn't be hidden secrets. My partner set up our computers to link with saved passwords so sometimes facebook etc will still be logged in from the other one. We use each others phones etc. But I realise this isn't for everyone.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 31/10/2016 11:45

YANBU. You had suspicions and it is not wrong to go looking for proof at all.

I found some messages a little while ago between DH and a woman from work. They were on his messenger on his tablet, somewhere I don't usually look as I have my own tablet but I happened to switch his on and there they were.

It was nothing like yours but I wasn't comfortable with the tone of the chat and felt it crossed the line. I can't sit on things and my DH would know something was up so I just asked to look at his phone. He let me. After he went out of the room. Lots of messages from the same person, all deleted. Now I know he deletes a lot because he has crap memory on his phone and I don't think it's a physical affair but I do wonder if it is an emotional one. He admitted the tone of the texts were as the ones on messenger. He said he wouldn't like it if he found the same between me and his best mate. He also went and body told her and she is ever so understanding and said she doesn't blame me for being suspicious. He also knows a lot about her so she definitely confides in him.

I'm still not sure what to think and as usual, DH thinks if he never mentions it again then it has gone away.

I'd confront your OH. He is clearly trying to go around to see her which isn't on at all.

Christinedonna · 31/10/2016 11:46

I've just so confused. I know this isn't right and she'd prefer to happy parents but I just desperately wanted us to stay together for DD. He treats me like a sister, I get no special attention, compliments, any of his time..he gets up, goes to work, comes home waits for dinner and goes to bed on his phone until he falls asleep. Barely pays DD attention and I get half of that again! I could easily think "fuck this il find better" but 1- I don't have the time or interest and 2- I would never do that to my little girl, I would never be the reason her mum and dad aren't together. How can he not give a shit about that?

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Mrsemcgregor · 31/10/2016 11:49

Kali I guess I just don't see the logic in marrying someone and having kids with them and sharing the rest of your life with them. But your Instagram account is a no go area? I would understand a person diary, but really social media accounts? Are they that precious your life partner can't look at them without permission?

blondebuddha · 31/10/2016 11:51

Please don't feel that you need to justify your actions when he's the one being a prick! I get that you feel guilty for snooping but the majority of people have either done it or thought about it. No shame in wanting abit of reassurance when you're being treated abit shit.
The point now is that you know and need to act on it.
Also speaking from experience, staying together for the kids does not always end well.
Hope it works out for you either way

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 31/10/2016 11:51

If he barely pays her attention, then she has no benefit of you staying with him. Let go of the notion its better for her to stay, its really not. It'll make you miserable, that's what will effect her.

I've split up from DD's dad for 7 years since she 20 months old. He left, tried to come back, I said no. I'm no martyr and I dont want DD thinking that is normal.

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blondebuddha · 31/10/2016 11:53

Also - he's cheating. That makes him the reason for the potential break up, not you!

GabsAlot · 31/10/2016 11:54

but you wont be the reason youre not together he is

you cant stay with someone for a child it never works out-my dh stayed with his ex so he cold be with his kids it made him ill

HappyAxolotl · 31/10/2016 12:06

There's a big difference between snooping on someone for the hell of it, and snooping because you're 99% sure of what you will find - and you do find it. Don't let the cheating loser push it on you for snooping!

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