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Don't know how to help DD

(16 Posts)
Eeekblunders Sun 30-Oct-16 20:51:41

Did is in year one. She's lovely, if a bit on the emotional side.
I'm not sure if I'm being overprotective and a bit hysterical, or this really is an issue.
She does not have close friends at school.
She does not enjoy play dates, becomes super emotional, not shary .
School say she is happy and friends with everybody st school, but she has come home many times complaining of feeling left out.
It makes me terribly sad for her, and I feel like it's somehow my fault for not being popular at school gates. I realise year one is young, and I do try play dates.

buckeejit Sun 30-Oct-16 20:57:01

What age is she? Sorry I'm in norn iron & not sure what year one is. I'd say try not to worry-can you get her into an extra curricular club of some sort? My 3 yo does tae won do & that extra busy even one day a week seems to add something. Or can you go home via a park occasionally? Try to get friends outside of school to help social skills maybe

Eeekblunders Sun 30-Oct-16 21:04:06

She's 6 just.

Note3 Sun 30-Oct-16 22:06:10

I feel for you as I also have problems with DD's and feel powerless to a large degree and it's heartwrenching.

I'd suggest you look at clubs she can join, particularly where other school kids are likely to go such as rainbows. She stands a good chance of forming friendships that way. I find if children only see others at school they don't always bond and sometimes need an extra nudge by seeing each other out of school.

Eeekblunders Mon 31-Oct-16 08:15:34

Yes I agree.
I do feel so out of the loop at school, sort of excluded from the mums social group. This is a problem.
Do you think is normal not to have close friends at this age?

Aibohphobia Mon 31-Oct-16 08:58:39

I wouldn't worry too much purely based on "^School say she is happy and friends with everybody st school^". A teacher would have nothing to gain by pretending everything's rosy when your daughter's struggling.

Some children do float around friendship groups at that age. Maybe it's the kind of adult they'll become (and nothing wrong with that) and some because they haven't matured as much as others in Year 1. They're still babies really and depending on their socialisation (attending school, siblings etc) as much as anything else, they can easily struggle initiating play, joining in games and how friendships work.

You say she isn't "shary". You mean she doesn't like to share. That's an important thing and should be addressed. It will quickly put other children off playing with her as professionals and parents put so much time into talking about sharing, give-and-take and all that it entails at this age. Try simply talking to her about it. Encourage compassion and empathy - something Year 1's tend to be developing at this age.

Why do you think she's unhappy during play dates? Have you been the host as well as the guest? Is her reaction the same?

Some of it can be down to school gate politics. Not specifically excluding others but if a group of parents are friends it's likely that their children will spend time together out of school. Find out if your son has anyone he would like to play with more and introduce yourself to their parents. Make an effort on their behalf. I've been in the situation where my children's friend's parents were wankers but needed to suck it up*

Do voice your concerns, email to the teacher may be best. Explain how your daughter's unhappy. Someone'll keep an eye on her during break / lunch, encourage play and either consider strategies or tell you you're being "overprotective and a bit hysterical".

*not my strong suit

(ex-primary teacher, now head),

Eeekblunders Mon 31-Oct-16 21:40:34

Thanks. I realise this has a lot to do with parents being friends.
it's a fee paying school, and I really don't fit the mould. She's often left out of events, and I get it, but I don't know how to change it.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince Mon 31-Oct-16 21:51:23

This was my dd. I was constantly up to school trying to sort it out. The real issue? All the mums were friends, so the kids just stuck with what they knew. I remember one heartbreaking year when she was 6 or 7, she didn't get one invitation to a party.

But how things have changed! She's in year 6 now, super sociable, loads of really lovely friends,and loads of invitations to do stuff. She just looks radiant all the time!

It will pass. But when it was happening to my dd, the school were ultra supportive, friendship rooms, watching for her at dinner times etc. AReal eye opener for us was when she was in Y3 and complaining about it having no friends her class teacher phoned us every week. He said she was in the friendship room with about 7 others in her class,! We were staggered as she was complaining all the time. So sometimes, I think it was how she viewed it, rather than what was actually happening IYSWIM.

Eeekblunders Mon 31-Oct-16 21:53:44

So she sorted it out for herself eventually?

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince Tue 01-Nov-16 17:30:08

I just think that as children get older they are less inclined to play with other people's children and want to choose their own friends.

I'm not sure she sorted it out, it was just that circumstances changed as she got older.

Note3 Wed 02-Nov-16 00:07:16

I'm really relieved to read about your DD as I've just this eve been talking to my DH about how our eldest has not been invited to any parties this yr. Even girls she classes as friends have had parties and not invited her. It's heartbreaking.

I'm so hoping she gets a good friendship group soon

user1477282676 Wed 02-Nov-16 00:49:22

My DD went to a fee paying school for the first 2 years....well, she did reception and years one and two.

In hindsight I wish I'd just sent her to a state school where there was more choice of friends and less of the "right set" business going on.

She thrived in a good state primary.

Eeekblunders Wed 02-Nov-16 10:34:45

She's being told things like .. If your mum invites me to your house I'm not coming.Also not being allowed to join in when they are playing. I'm sad for her.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince Wed 02-Nov-16 11:38:22

That is bullying. Go back to the school and insist on some help.

ImperialBlether Wed 02-Nov-16 11:45:27

And you are paying for this? You must be furious to see bullying at that level when they are so young.

My daughter was very shy and her teacher made a point of putting her with other shy girls - that really worked as they were struggling, too, and happy to come for tea etc.

Eeekblunders Wed 02-Nov-16 13:50:32

Its a small class with a small number of girls. I'm going to have to speak to her teacher again, tell her what's been said. This is an ongoing issue. She's complained about this right from reception, and with there being so few girls and my having invited for so many unsuccessful play dates...I don't know.

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