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To still feel upset that a close friend laughed

(226 Posts)
sesise Sun 30-Oct-16 10:01:52

I don't know how to deal with this but I'll try to explain.

I have a close friend.

We were talking about grief (it was relevant to the topic) and I said something that wasn't funny.

Friend burst out laughing.

I felt like a massive twat.

AIBU to feel really uncomfortable around my friend now?

WalterWhitesNipple Sun 30-Oct-16 10:02:39

Impossible to say without knowing the comment you made.

Thattimeofyearagain Sun 30-Oct-16 10:03:59

No. But I know someone who would have laughed , its a shock reaction to anything that upsets her.

monkeywithacowface Sun 30-Oct-16 10:03:59

Depends what you said I guess?

Bruce02 Sun 30-Oct-16 10:04:08

It really depends on what was said and how you said it.

Perhaps she thought it was joke, perhaps you said something so outrageous (to her) that she thought it must definitely be a joke, perhaps your tone or facial expression made it come across as a joke.

What happened when you made it clear you were not joking?

If she is a good friend and this is a one off I would put it down to miscommunication and let it go.

ChicRock Sun 30-Oct-16 10:04:08

I think this is one of those situations where you had to be there to understand the context of the conversation, tone, what exactly you said, etc.

So it's hard to tell.

BewtySkoolDropowt Sun 30-Oct-16 10:05:25

I had a friend who laughed when I told her my Uncle died. I was away from home (as was she).

It wasn't that she thought it was funny, but she always felt awkward when other people had big emotional stuff going on and laughter was her default coping mechanism. She of course did apologise! Could it be something like that?

Arfarfanarf Sun 30-Oct-16 10:07:19

Is it possible that she either misheard or misunderstood and maybe thought your comment was dark humour?

sesise Sun 30-Oct-16 10:09:02

I just said something fairly generic, that it did get easier as time went on. It wasn't anything outrageous or dry.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Sun 30-Oct-16 10:09:20

I know someone who couldn't stop laughing at her Mums funeral.

The reaction to grief, or even talking about it, isn't always as expected.

sesise Sun 30-Oct-16 10:10:10

Well I get that Elsa, although for an adult (assuming no additional needs) I don't know.

But it wasn't her grief we were speaking about.

I don't know. I felt like such a twat!

yoowhoo Sun 30-Oct-16 10:10:14

I've laughed lots of times when telling friends that another friends grandparents or uncle had died. I hate it. I don't do it on purpose but sometimes it's my bodies natural coping mechanism

sesise Sun 30-Oct-16 10:10:55

Why? hmm

FishSauce555 Sun 30-Oct-16 10:11:40

I've laughed at very inappropriate moments before. Think cancer and death. It's embarrassing for everyone involved but I've never done it on purposes or because it's funny. It's some kind of automatic responses to me feeling uneasy. She probably didn't do it on purpose.

Meloncoley2 Sun 30-Oct-16 10:11:51

My DH sometimes does this, he is always absolutely mortified when I point out how how it could be construed, he has usually misheard or misunderstood the situation. If she is a close friend I think it's worth raising with her.

yoowhoo Sun 30-Oct-16 10:11:59

Op I don't have any additional needs. You can't always control how your body will react. But yes. Certainly no additional needs here thank you.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Sun 30-Oct-16 10:12:07

Hmmm... for many people it doesn't get easier as time goes on, so she could have easily thought you were joking.

sesise Sun 30-Oct-16 10:13:16

I would think most adults can control themselves to a reasonable degree.

Of course I've sometimes felt an urge to laugh at an inappropriate moment (like minutes silences) but there's a world of difference between wanting to laugh and actually laughing.

Maybe you could practice some self control?

yoowhoo Sun 30-Oct-16 10:14:18

Op how am I supposed to know why?
Why do we flinch when someone tickles us? Why do we laugh when somethings funny? Why do we cry when we're sad? It's all just our natural bodies coping

FlyingGaribaldi Sun 30-Oct-16 10:14:55

My entire family howled with laughter over a minor car malfunction on the way to my grandfather's funeral. He'd lived with us always, and been like a third parent, and we were heartbroken. Sometimes it's essentially the same as tears in response to grief or trauma.

Arfarfanarf Sun 30-Oct-16 10:15:18

I laugh when I'm upset. I laughed at my grandma's funeral. Had to bury my face in my hanky and hope people thought i was crying.
I laughed as my son beat me up a week after I'd had major surgery! (He has asd + adhd)

Inappropriate laughter as a strong emotional response is quite well known.

Im sure that she didnt think it was funny or meant to hurt you. I am sorry that it happened i know you feel dreadful thanks

ChicRock Sun 30-Oct-16 10:15:42

I just said something fairly generic, that it did get easier as time went on

Again, depends on the context, tone, etc.

And the type of laugh.

I've a friend who lost her child 3 years ago. I can imagine someone coming out wth your comment would get a really sarcastic "you haven't got a fucking clue" type laugh.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Sun 30-Oct-16 10:15:52

I might have laughed at that too tbh. A lot of years on from my children's deaths and I can still barely get out of bed some days.

sesise Sun 30-Oct-16 10:16:27

Can some of you really not understand the difference between laughing on the WAY to a funeral and laughing IN a funeral, or laughing as light relief when someone makes a non funny joke and laughing raucously when someone says something meaningful?

How would you feel if you wanted to talk to your DH about something important and he laughed in your face?

Rainydayspending Sun 30-Oct-16 10:16:43

If someone told me it gets easier as time goes on. I think i would laugh. Because it's a cliché, and there's that moment of ridiculous realisation that this cliché is one of the few things we have to acknowledge the awful debilitating experience grief can be.
Beforr I had to tell someone there was nad news I did have a major giggle fit. Nerves and the overwhelming feeling that nothing I knew to say was going to be helpful.

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