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Pregnancy, alone, let down by husband and lost

(18 Posts)
Nats1982 Sun 30-Oct-16 06:24:36

Hi all,

Apologies for the long post. I've been going out of mind for the last 12hours and can't seem to make sense of anything. I'm hoping that venting will help and maybe someone might have experience of this tooand be able to advise.

I met my husband 10 years ago, really liked him but then lost contact for a while. Years later we started talking online. His dad had been diagnosed with cancer and my dad was terminal. We kind of supported each other as friends first. He told me that he had some issues with cocaine and I helped support him, he stopped using and said that I'd help him discover how to have fun without the drugs. We fell madly in love and got married. What I didn't know at that time was how bad he was on the drugs. He later told me, that he would lose 3-4 days to it, and even take it in the morning before work 'to wake him up.'

I married my husband 2 years ago, before knowing how bad he'd been on drugs - that came out in dribs and drabs. During the first year of our marriage we were mainly happy. However, about once a week, usually around pay day, he'd start a big argument, leave the house and stay out all night doing drugs with his addict brother. He told me it was because he was insecure about my past relationship, the same cause for most of our arguments (only after he'd been binge drinking though). I took him back the next day when he finally returned home every time and he'd often promise not to drink (it was mainly when he drank that he started arguments) and on several occasions promised not to do drugs. He continued to though, and just lied about it - I've since found out.

We moved to Thailand a year ago and he traveled back and forth from the UK to work. I'm pretty certain he did cocaine many times then and I spent many nights (all night - he goes out until 5-6am) stuck in a foreign country not knowing who he was with, what he was doing and always thinking the worst. I tried to trust him as if I even asked what he'd been up to he'd often accuse me of not trusting him and over reacting.

Finally, he came to Thailand to stay for good and for a while everything was a lot better. Then I fell pregnant. He instantly went into 'must support family mode' and found a job in the UK. Although I can understand why he did this, it's left me in a very dark place. I'm now 12weeks pregnant and stuck in Thailand until March (end of contract) alone, worried and lonely.

He only landed yesterday, messaged me briefly, told me he wasn't going out with the lads but had to sort MOT ect and would call. I waited all day and until 1:30am, worrying and stressing. I woke up at 6am again to a message from him saying he couldn't call, his phone was playing up. I've since discovered that he went out with friends at 10am - until 5am the next morning, drinking and doing cocaine with the little savings we had left - staying 'on it' and purposefully ignoring my calls. He actually saw my message asking him to call me, ignored it and called his brother to let him back into whichever coke house he was in after he went out alone - I'm assuming to buy more drugs!

I'm at breaking point! My head's spinning with so many what ifs. I'm miserable,lonely, and feel angry that our pregnancy is spent like this. It's been awful being pregnant and feeling lonely (even when he was here he was on the PC and didn't want to have sex because he didn't want to hurt the baby). I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I don't want to have a baby with someone who thinks going out all night, snorting all our Christmas funds and ignoring my calls is normal - although he would never accept that from me if the tables were turned.

What do I do? Do I leave him? I know I can raise a baby alone, I just don't want to be in a situation where I have to. Do I terminate? I wish I never fell pregnant and I wish I never fell in love.|'m so hurt and confused. The pregnancy hormones are certainly not helping.

Gowgirl Sun 30-Oct-16 06:30:53

I'm so sorry you feel so terrible, but I think you know that the coke will always come first and he hasn't a hope of staying clean when associating with addicts, you should look after yourself at this point while you decide what you want your life to be flowers

LunaWeaselton Sun 30-Oct-16 06:32:11

Hi Nats,
First off , congratulations on your pregnancy . It's okay to give yourself time to feel uncertain but please don't let him take away the joy you feel with this child . Though unseen , babies provide companionship for their mothers a lot of the time.
I'm sorry you are hurting , the pregnancy hormones are the worst ! I don't want to say LTB but you need to think about you now.
I hope you get some clarity (explanation ) soon.
Just be patient with yourself .You will get through this

Littlemisssugarplum88 Sun 30-Oct-16 06:37:43

So sorry you've had such a rough time; especially during your pregnancy.
I think it's clear that he isn't going to quit the drugs and heavy drinking (even now he knows he has a little one on the way).
If I was in your shoes, I'd leave him and go back to the UK to be with your family and friends; and i would bring the baby up alone.
Sounds like you have put him first one too many times; try and put yourself and your baby before him.
Sending you lots of hugs xxx

sandgrown Sun 30-Oct-16 06:41:55

As somebody who has lived with a drinker I know the drugs/drink always comes first. You will feel more emotional because you are pregnant but can you start planning where you want to have your baby. When your contract finishes can you move nearer to family or friends who can support you?. Look after yourself and your baby.

Rosa Sun 30-Oct-16 06:44:03

Can ypu withdraw or move any money that ypu have together so he cannot spend any more. He has a problem and he is not going to quit alone by the sounds of things . Good luck with the pregnancy and I hope you and him can get all the help you need.

VagueButExcitlng Sun 30-Oct-16 06:51:48

Being a single parent from pregnancy isn't easy. I know because I have done it.

Being in a crap relationship with a drug user who snorts all your money and doesn't respect you is a thousand times harder. Not that I've done that, but I've supported a friend who has.

I would start thinking about your wider support network if you have one, and taking steps to protect yourself financially. It's likely you will be doing this alone eventually so it might be better to get a plan in place now.

So sorry you're having to deal with this so far from home flowers

Maccapacca88 Sun 30-Oct-16 06:55:22

I would leave. An addict will always lie, steal and manipulate. He is not in "must support family mode". He is in run away and go on a bender mode. As long as he is using, he will suck anything good from your life. He is already spending your money on drugs and abandoning you in a foreign country. He will manipulate you with his sob stories and make you feel like you are going crazy. Please contact cocaine anonymous for professional advice. www.cauk.org.uk/index.asp?forcenonmobile=true

ConvincingLiar Sun 30-Oct-16 06:58:56

Start planning on the basis of being a single parent. He's clearly not going to change. He's not in love with you, he's in love with coke. I would secretly gather evidence/money and seek legal advice.

orangebobble Sun 30-Oct-16 07:32:56

Really sorry you're in this position Nats. Do you have a supportive family? If you do, could you move near them when you return to the U.K.? I'm another who thinks that, unfortunately, you're going to have to prepare to do this alone. sad

orangebobble Sun 30-Oct-16 07:40:18

By the way, I'm doubtful that his move back to the U.K. was really inspired by a 'must support the family' mood. I think he probably just wanted to get back to a place he could continue his addiction.
Also, you know that it was complete rubbish that it was in anyway anything to do with you that he was going on benders with his brother before you moved to Thailand, right? Insecure about a past relationship of yours? Please! That was just a convenient excuse he fabricated so he could justify his addiction. Addicts are unfortunately extremely manipulative. Remember that. I'm afraid your husband cannot be trusted unless he admits he has a problem and gets help. There is no chance of things improving unless he does that.

Heatherjayne1972 Sun 30-Oct-16 07:56:58

Some good advice here op
I think you should start to prepare to be a lone parent Being the only parent is far easier than having an addict as the co-parent
Do you have your own bank account? You should begin to seperate finances now-make long term plans for you and baby
Is your family supportive?
You'll be fine
As someone else said you will always be second to drink/drugs as far as DH is concerned-his loss
You and baby are your priority now

neonrainbow Sun 30-Oct-16 08:00:11

Do you want to terminate or do you want the baby? If you don't want to continue the prgnancy theres no shame in that. If you do, then you'll be going it alone. He's a selfish twat who only cares about his next fix.

RedHelenB Sun 30-Oct-16 08:00:56

I would seriously consider an abortion in your situation.

MimiSunshine Sun 30-Oct-16 08:06:40

Why are you in Thailand? Are you Thai?

It's clearly not for you both to live and work out there as he had been coming back to the UK at the drop of a hat for 'work' (and that's one hell of a commute).

If I were you I'd get out now, wbatever contract you're in, break it unless it's going to cost you thousands. Get to your family and leave your husband.

He 100% isn't in family mode, he may have said it, hell he may have believed it but the minute he got back to the UK he went on a bender.

Do you really want him stealing from your child in a few months so he can go out, or worse bring drugs into the house for your child to find?

WhoAteAllTheDinosaurs Sun 30-Oct-16 08:28:21

He's not in a relationship with you, he's in a relationship with cocaine. He isn't thinking about you at all. Separate your finances, and plan for being a single mum if you keep the baby. Where are your family and friends? Are they supportive?

rainbowstardrops Sun 30-Oct-16 08:37:11

It doesn't sound like he's ever going to change sadly. I don't often say this but I think being on your own would be better than being with him.

Do you absolutely have to stay until March or could you move back to the UK and presumably your family?

Whether you choose to continue the pregnancy or not, I think you need to leave him to be honest.
Hopefully you'll feel more supported re the baby when you're back in the UK.

Parker231 Sun 30-Oct-16 09:22:58

Sorry but I think any relationship is over and hopefully you will soon see that this best for you and your baby. Make sure you block his access to the bank account so that your money is protected. Good luck

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