Pregnancy, alone, let down by husband and lost

(16 Posts)
Nats1982 Sun 30-Oct-16 06:24:22

Hi all,

Apologies for the long post. I've been going out of mind for the last 12hours and can't seem to make sense of anything. I'm hoping that venting will help and maybe someone might have experience of this tooand be able to advise.

I met my husband 10 years ago, really liked him but then lost contact for a while. Years later we started talking online. His dad had been diagnosed with cancer and my dad was terminal. We kind of supported each other as friends first. He told me that he had some issues with cocaine and I helped support him, he stopped using and said that I'd help him discover how to have fun without the drugs. We fell madly in love and got married. What I didn't know at that time was how bad he was on the drugs. He later told me, that he would lose 3-4 days to it, and even take it in the morning before work 'to wake him up.'

I married my husband 2 years ago, before knowing how bad he'd been on drugs - that came out in dribs and drabs. During the first year of our marriage we were mainly happy. However, about once a week, usually around pay day, he'd start a big argument, leave the house and stay out all night doing drugs with his addict brother. He told me it was because he was insecure about my past relationship, the same cause for most of our arguments (only after he'd been binge drinking though). I took him back the next day when he finally returned home every time and he'd often promise not to drink (it was mainly when he drank that he started arguments) and on several occasions promised not to do drugs. He continued to though, and just lied about it - I've since found out.

We moved to Thailand a year ago and he traveled back and forth from the UK to work. I'm pretty certain he did cocaine many times then and I spent many nights (all night - he goes out until 5-6am) stuck in a foreign country not knowing who he was with, what he was doing and always thinking the worst. I tried to trust him as if I even asked what he'd been up to he'd often accuse me of not trusting him and over reacting.

Finally, he came to Thailand to stay for good and for a while everything was a lot better. Then I fell pregnant. He instantly went into 'must support family mode' and found a job in the UK. Although I can understand why he did this, it's left me in a very dark place. I'm now 12weeks pregnant and stuck in Thailand until March (end of contract) alone, worried and lonely.

He only landed yesterday, messaged me briefly, told me he wasn't going out with the lads but had to sort MOT ect and would call. I waited all day and until 1:30am, worrying and stressing. I woke up at 6am again to a message from him saying he couldn't call, his phone was playing up. I've since discovered that he went out with friends at 10am - until 5am the next morning, drinking and doing cocaine with the little savings we had left - staying 'on it' and purposefully ignoring my calls. He actually saw my message asking him to call me, ignored it and called his brother to let him back into whichever coke house he was in after he went out alone - I'm assuming to buy more drugs!

I'm at breaking point! My head's spinning with so many what ifs. I'm miserable,lonely, and feel angry that our pregnancy is spent like this. It's been awful being pregnant and feeling lonely (even when he was here he was on the PC and didn't want to have sex because he didn't want to hurt the baby). I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I don't want to have a baby with someone who thinks going out all night, snorting all our Christmas funds and ignoring my calls is normal - although he would never accept that from me if the tables were turned.

What do I do? Do I leave him? I know I can raise a baby alone, I just don't want to be in a situation where I have to. Do I terminate? I wish I never fell pregnant and I wish I never fell in love.|'m so hurt and confused. The pregnancy hormones are certainly not helping.

creepingitreal Sun 30-Oct-16 06:27:49

A simple answer to a complex situation.

Leave him now.

Imavinoops Sun 30-Oct-16 06:34:22

He may not stay like this forever and in future may clean himself up a bit but right now he isn't and I would probably go for leaving him now. You and baby come first now and the stress alone isn't good for you, let alone bringing baby into such a complicated a life as you husbands current life.

MyGiddyUncle Sun 30-Oct-16 06:34:50

LTB is such an easy answer to give but hardly ideal when you're pregnant.

I don't want to have a baby with someone who thinks going out all night, snorting all our Christmas funds and ignoring my calls is normal

Tell him this. He clearly has a drug problem and he needs to either commit to getting into NA and completely stopping any kind of illegal drug use or then you LTB.

graphista Sun 30-Oct-16 06:35:45

Only you can decide whether to have an abortion or continue the pregnancy.

As for your addict husband (and be under NO illusions he is an addict) I'd boot him out! He's continued to use and will do so while you stay with them as there's no major negative consequences for him. He's minimising and excusing, deflecting etc which all addicts do. He's got no reason to stop so why would he?

Personally I've never even dated anyone that's used drugs. Enough addicts in my family to know better.

Bruce02 Sun 30-Oct-16 06:36:37

No one can tell you wether to terminate the pregnancy. That needs to be your choice.

You know you can do it alone. And you can.

But do you want to be tied to him forever. When the baby is old enough to spend weekends with him (assuming you move home and he does too) would you trust him not to go in a drugs binge?

Do you want to go through years of legal battles to keep him away from your child?

When it comes to the pregnancy, these are things you need to consider.

You need to move home. Are you from the UK?

You need to leave him. He is a liar who will only ever let you and your child down.

Ideally you would move home and he would leave you and the child alone. I can't see how he would make a decent parent wether he is married to you or not.

I am sorry you are in this position. Please do what's best for you. He isn't what's best for you.

Squeegle Sun 30-Oct-16 06:40:26

Yes, leave him now, that sounds harsh but with the benefit of hindsight I would do that. I would also strongly consider termination, it is not an easy option, but it is an option at this stage. Only you can tell
Whether it's the right thing for you .

Nats1982 Sat 26-Nov-16 06:09:47

Update:

For the last month I spent my time trying to communicate with him through this, telling him how I felt as calmly as I could and sharing my concerns, while he continued to get on it at every opportunity; ignored my messages (he never even replied to one thing I tried to talk to him about) and calls; often leaving me with no contact, stressing and alone for up to 4 days at a time. However, he finally made up my mind when he did it again, and again, and then again. I'VE LEFT HIM! This week's been really hard. I've spent most of the week crying uncontrollably but have tried to look after myself. I haven't been able to sleep and have lost 4lbs from the stress, when I should have gained 1lb. However, I finally feel a bit better. Now that I've actually made the leap and left him, I'm not sat worrying, waiting for his call (or a hospital's - yes, that has happened before - twice) and although I'm now looking at raising a baby alone (I'm almost 16 weeks pregnant and can feel my baby move - I'm keeping it), I actually feel better than I did all those times he let me down.

If anyone else ever goes through this, my advice would be not to bottle it up. Talk to him, even if he doesn't listen - at least you know that you tried. One day, if it becomes too much, you'll be ok. Life without constant let downs, lies, excuses and dramas is actually easier than trying to cling on to something you never should have acceted in the first place.

Thank you for all the support. As I never told anyone about any of this, trying to protect him from people thinking badly of him, typing it allowed me to process everything and realise. Thank you.

Lovemylittlebear Sat 26-Nov-16 06:16:40

Well done smile this sounds like the best move for you and your baby. Good luck and stick with it, you can do it X

sandgrown Sat 26-Nov-16 06:19:08

Glad you have finally made the break. It will be hard but you need to look after yourself and your baby. Good luck and stay strong. Things will work out x

Mawddwy Sat 26-Nov-16 06:20:08

I'm really pleased to see your update OP. I read your thread when you first posted it and really wished would see that there is no reasoning with a drug addict. All the best for you and your baby.

Let your family and friends know that you've left him so they cam support you - even if that is long distance support x

Myfirstbornisacollie Sat 26-Nov-16 06:30:05

Just come across your thread. You sound so much happier and in control I'm so glad you have made the decision for you and baby. Being a single mum is far far preferable to being married to someone behaving so selfishly with no intention of changing.
Good luck for the future

ConvincingLiar Sat 26-Nov-16 07:22:21

Good for you nats. You've been brave but it's definitely the best thing for you and your baby. Trying to talk him into sense was flogging a dead horse.

MrsBB1982 Sat 26-Nov-16 08:02:56

Well done - I cannot imagine how hard that must have been on you. Try not to worry about losing weight. I lost weight with both my pregnancies (different reasons) and they turned out fine. They say baby will take what it needs!

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Sat 26-Nov-16 08:05:52

Wow, well done - you are doing an amazing thing for yourself and unborn DC; giving you both an opportunity to build a happy and fulfilling life, not one full of pain and doubt.

As an aside, and I do not for one second think it applies to these circumstances as OP's "D"H has well and truly shown himself as unable and unwilling to admit to the problem and seek help, even when in the knowledge that you're both bringing a child into this world, but I gave up drugs (coke/speed/pills/acid) 10 years ago (as well as smoking) and have never touched and have no inclination (quite the opposite) to do so ever again (to be honest I avoid any form of medication unless absolutely necessary). So please don't relegate all users and ex users to the scrap heap.

My XH didn't follow my lead though and I split with him, the drug use being a major factor, I was also pregnant (I'd had given up well before I became pregnant) and despite assurances from him, he never changed. He is now living hand to mouth, working 2 jobs to make ends meet and hasn't had a partner of note since we split 6 years ago, whereas I am remarried to an amazing man, jointly own a very successful business and live in a lovely house in a lovely part of the world - all this after XH hissed at me when I told him to leave that "you'll miss me when I'm gone, you'll never find better than me". This sounds like I'm gloating - seeing him in dire straits gives me no pleasure at all and I've supported him over the years since we split despite his behaviour when we were married (he was even cautioned once due to his behaviour towards me) - he's the father of my DD after all - but releasing us from the weight of his drug/fag/alcohol overuse was the best decision I ever made.

You will be feeling absolutely awful now, and I'm so sorry that you are. But I hope that you will find some comfort in the knowledge that you have just freed yours and your child's future up for such good things to happen, and released yourself from the burden (financially, emotionally and practically) of his addiction.

Lots of flowers, hugs and virtual wine (in the absence of being able to drink the real stuff at present smile)

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Sat 26-Nov-16 08:06:58

Oh yes and I also lost weigh when pregnant - a lot of weight, DD was fine.

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