Moody DH is like a teenager

[RoseRose217]

Hi, this is my first post on here just looking to get some opinions fro others as I'm not sure that I trust my judgement and I don't want to talk to friends about this.

My DP and I have been together around 2 years and live together. He has always been a little huffy and he says his dad is like this also but much much worse. I have noticed his dad be a little huffy at times but nothing too bad, although perhaps he is on his best behaviour around me

Neither of us are perfect and we get into a fair few arguments but most of the time we are generally happy, we want the same things and are a pretty good match for each other. We both love each other very much.

One of my DPs shortcomings is his temper and his moods. He gets frustrated and angry very easily. I am not used to seeing a man react like this, and it makes me scared, which he says is silly. E.g. Today he was watching TV and drinking tea on the sofa, while holding the remote. He spilt his (warm, not hot) tea on himself and the sofa. Most people would be annoyed with themselves for this but these things happen. He exclaimed a profanity and then slammed the TV remote down on to a glass coaster very loudly, I'm surprised it didn't shatter into a thousand pieces. This then put him in a bad mood for perhaps 45 mins. If i try to speak to him in this time I get met with sarcasm, generally huffiness and unhappiness.

In this example he is annoyed st himself rather than me, but I find the outburst scary and out of proportion. The sulkiness afterwards also seems extreme.

We don't have kids now but i worry that when they come along and accidents and spills happen more often that he will be a nightmare.

Other times it is more directed at me. If I ask him something when he is busy or tired or ill or has a sniffle, I get a moody sarcastic response that reminds me of the teenagers from Kevin and Perry. Tonight he was snoring so I went to sleep in the guest room, he woke up 5 mins later and sent me a text asking why I had left our bedroom, I went through and calmly said it was because he was snoring (he has a cold just now). Usually he argues with me and says he doesn't snore or that he hasn't been asleep yet and that I'm making it up, so I recorded a sound clip on my phone to play him in case he didnt believe me. I said to him calmly the snoring was very loud and that I recorded it in case he didn't believe me. He got extremely huffy, jumped out of bed, exhaled in a huffy teenage way, shouted something like 'for f*ks sake!', stomped to the spare room and angrily told me he would be sleeping in the spare room. I got annoyed and asked him to go back to bed, he wouldn't, so I snapped (I've had a whole day of his bad mood because he is tired and has a cold, these are just 2 examples out of about 10 huffy incidents today) and told him to 'pss off back to bed'. He then went back to bed.

I'm now in the spare room and wide awake

I should add that when he is not acting like a teenager he is very loving and would do anything for me - makes cuppas on demand, will drive to the shops to get me anything, cooks me breakfast, when I was ill last week he took time off work to drive me to docs and look after me (e.g. Cups of tea in bed). However I can never be sure when 'the teenager' will emerge, sometimes it's once a week, but on bad days like today it is about 10 times a day.

I'm just looking to get some input from others - anyone else got a DH like this? How do you cope with the moods? Any advice would be very appreciated.

Also am I being unreasonable to expect him to address and try to improve this behaviour? Should I just accept that it is who he is?

[Chottie]

He sounds very immature. When he is not in a mood, can you discuss this with him? does he realise how he comes over, the incidents you describe are quite minor things. How does he cope with major set backs in life?

Tbh, I would find it absolutely exhausting living with someone like this, are you on eggshells each morning wondering what mood he will wake up in? Do you have to modify your behaviour to pacify him? If so, these are red flags.

You can't change his behaviour, it's up to him and whether he choses to change. He may not even recognise that he behaves in this way. Finally, is he like this all the time or only with you? If he had split his tea when friends or family were there, or when you were out would he have behaved in the same way?

[RoseRose217]

Hi chottie, thanks for replying

It is exhausting! I don't usually wake up on eggshells as he is a morning person and usually fine first thing, his mood only changes if something doesn't go perfectly (which, not surprisingly, is often!) e.g. If he is late, spills something, computer/internet/phone/TV misbehaves etc. Another one is cooking - if he messes something up or burns it he gets extremely annoyed with himself and is in a mood for hours.

When it happens I usually ask what is wrong, and I say something like it's not a big deal, these things happen, not to worry etc. But it doesn't help and he stays annoyed with himself.

I've tried to talk to him about it when he is not in a mood but talking about it instantly puts him in a mood and I get met with huffing, sarcasm, etc. He says he doesn't know why I am bothered as it is mostly directed at himself, and he says that he is nothing compared to his dad so he doesn't know why I make a big deal out of it. He thinks this is normal and that I am being unreasonable for not accepting him as he is.

Re the tea incident, yes he would have acted the same if he was on his own I believe (based on what he tells me). I think of friends were over he may have managed to slightly scale it back a little but he would have still had the same basic reaction. I don't believe he is acting like this just because I am there if you see what I mean. I find it very embarrassing when other people see this behaviour.

[RoseRose217]

Perhaps I should try to speak to him again about it another time. Hmm. Ei need to think of how to explain to him how badly it comes across - I don't think he is fully aware how miserable it makes me.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

He sounds hugely passive aggressive - it's irrelevant whether it's 'directed' at you all that sulking and moodiness is having a huge effect on you and he needs to grow up and modify his behaviour. Yes, my exH was like this - although not quite as bad but there were episodes of passive aggression and therefore I would tread on eggshells around him trying to keep him happy. After 14 yrs and two kids I'd had enough and gave up. Realised his behaviour/ happiness was his affair not mine and I wasn't going to spend my life trying to keep him happy and pacify him. It was draining. Got worse after having children too.

[Eminado]

OP - run away. Far far away.

[Costacoffeeplease]

So he thinks he's normal and its your problem that you don't like his huffiness? So he's not remorseful or even thinking about/trying to change?

LTB

[EmzDisco]

I was in a relationship with someone like this. I eventually left, I decided I didn't want to have a family with someone who behaved like that. It really did wear me down. The snoring thing is very familiar! Ex DP would also be weird about it, even if I just trotted off to sleep in the sofa. I remember him coming out and going mad at me. Why would someone make up that someone else was snoring? Surely if they weren't you'd be fast asleep in bed yourself?!

Now have a DD with someone who doesn't behave like this, and knowing how much hard work it is in so glad I don't have someone's ridiculous moods to also contend with. I don't think I could have a child around that kind of behaviour and be happy. I'd also be worried about how my DPs behaviour was affecting the DC, not nice to sit with someone sulking and not understanding why.

Not much to help you other than you need to talk to him about it, and if he can't modify his behaviour think really seriously about if you can live with it. I couldn't.

[DancingPenguin1]

You have exactly described my DH and I agree it is exhausting. It has definitely got worse since having dd and I find myself increasingly frustrated and resentful of his behaviour. I find he often isn't angry at me but ends up taking it out on me so I feel like it's me he's snapping at (because it is despite him claiming it isn't). I wish I could walk away sometimes as I don't know how to change it and it makes me so sad. Sorry no help op but I'll be following.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

Oh and my ex used to snore too really badly - even if I went to sleep in another room with earplugs in I could still hear him, When I tried to broach it with him he would huff and puff and tut as though was me who was being unreasonable.
He moved abroad when we split up and lives in an apartment with his girlfriend I don't know how she tolerates it. Our two DS go and stay with them and say it's still really really bad.

[echt]

OP, does he lose his shit about things like this in front of friends or colleagues?

[YokoUhOh]

OP he's horrible. I went out with a twat like your DH for 2 years, I'll never get that time back.

If you have a child with him, you'll effectively be looking after 2 children.

Get out while the going's good.

[YokoUhOh]

echt has an excellent question for you ^^

[Squeegle]

I think if he can do something to change this then you could sioooet him (cbt?). But otherwise definitely leave him. Walking on eggshells like this will blight your life. Imagine having kids there too! Impossible.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I used to get angry often at myself and take it out on others. For my part, it stemmed from being the product of very immature and effed up parents. There were sooooo many gaps in my knowledge of what it entailed to be a grown up. My parents couldn't teach me what I needed to know because they'd never been taught it themselves. I found a truly excellent therapist to help me become a great adult.

Unless and until your dp can grow up, I wouldn't contemplate having children with him. Children put strain on any relationship. It would be very hard to have a child when you have an unsupportive, sulky dp. From the sounds of it his father - and perhaps his mother as well - have very exacting standards and are therefore very critical of themselves and others, have low self esteem and poor life skills. It isn't your dps fault he didn't get good parenting. However, it is his responsibility to do something about it. Using his father as a measure of his behaviour is total idiocracy.

The issue is that he's stuck at stage 1 of the process of change: total unawareness (see transtheoretical model of change). Basically meaning he doesn't know and refuses to accept he even has issues. What you choose to do is up to you. Stay and accept, give him an ultimatum to change or leave the relationship. Personally I wouldn't be doing the first one. The second will be very scary as a prospect.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Scary prospect for him I mean.

[R0bins]

I do think it's a warning sign worth paying attention to, before you get more entangled in the relationship, and especially before DC.

My ex was like this - and it's not something I could live with again. Along with the controlling behaviour and alcoholism. The impact of almost constant negativity, dramatic overreaction and huffiness is more than a relationship (and your sanity) can endure. It simply grinds you down, day after day. I left him after 10 years of it and was instantly set free! I was astounded and how light and fun a relationship could be with someone who reacts normally to stuff. When I got together with my current DP and I accidentally broke a glass in the kitchen I cried because I was expecting a tirade about how clumsy I was, or a long huffy silence and sarcastic puffing about it. It never came, of course, and i was overwhelmed with relief that not everyone reacts this way. It's just one tiny example - but it's a sad position to put yourself in. I had lived on eggshells for so long, hiding things because I was scared of his reaction.

Thank god we didn't have DC - in fact it was the prospect of having kids with him that was the wake up call - I couldn't bear the thought of him influencing impressionable little minds so negatively. And I knew I'd have to mother XP as well as the kids. Shame it took me so long to summon the courage to leave.

[lizzieoak]

Yanbu, however I think setting a time limit by which point he'll have agreed to start cbtherapy or you walk is an idea to entertain, even if just in your own head (as telling him will bring on a strop).

My exh was like this. It got worse, not better. It was exhausting. I often thought "why do I always have to be the adult?" Not that I wanted to behave like Kevin, but knowing I couldn't, it just pissed me off no end.

[Cucumber5]

My DPis like this to a minor extent. Overreact to minor unimportant things. Will get huffy when he spills milk or drops a cup.

Years ago my MIL was visiting and my eldest (who never breaks anything), accidentally broke an empty vintage coffee pot. i felt a little regretful but mostly accepting as there was nothing I could do to change what had happened. My MIL informed me that it mustn't have been very precious because I didn't react! Mil overreacts when things don't go her way.

I have spent a lifetime saying 'stop over reacting to DH, it's just milk. Try having a better reaction because I don't want the kids coping that behaviour'

He's not as bad as he was but it's still there. The kids and I joke about it and thankfully they don't copy.

Over the years many of his relatives have been diagnosed with ASD. After considering various factors, i suspect he is on the spectrum too to some extent.

He is a very hardworking caring warm steady man and has a lot of time for the kids. I think he does find practicalities overwhelming sometimes.

[Thattimeofyearagain]

Good grief, I agree with Eminado run 🏃. His behaviour is a HUGE red flag. The fact that he is aware of his behaviour but chooses not to do anything about it I extremely worrying.

[Softkitty2]

The fact that he always mentions his dads temper means it bothered him growing up.. If you have children with him they will feel the same.

[CheddarGorgeous]

I am so, so glad you don't have children with him, it will make it so much easier for you to leave him if it comes to that.

His behaviour is no normal or acceptable. Can he explain why his reactions are so extreme?

[GreenRut]

Run for the hills. Seriously.

[SamhainSoubriquet]

Do NOT have kids with this man

Your poor children would grow up walking egg shells their entire lives

I would run. Far away

[HerOtherHalf]

Is his snoring generally bad or just at the moment due to his cold? If he is a regular heavy snorer he may suffer from sleep apnea which can cause irritability and depression, though these are by far the least of it as it has very serious health implications. Have a Google and encourage him to see his doctor if it sounds like he may be a sufferer.

[EggysMom]

My DH can be like this, he could be described as quick to anger / hot tempered. But it's not directed at me, it's not directed at anybody, it's just a reaction to something happening. It's only words and occasional thumping of an object down on a surface (what OP describes is familiar!) Sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I'll give it a minute and then offer to help with whatever is frustrating him.

Not everybody has a perfect DH. I'm not perfect either. We work with each other's personalities.