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(222 Posts)
Seren68 Sun 30-Oct-16 00:44:47

Help me be reasonable please. Every year we've spent Xmas day seeing my parents and dp parents - but my parents moved 4 hours away. I've always wanted alternate Xmas plans but dp refused so we had split day every year as he wished. My dad was diagnosed with mnd just before last Christmas and my mum has asked me and my brother to please spend Xmas with them - all day- so travel up day before and back day after. I agreed after much discussion with my family and making clear to mum that she can only have it once. Mum wants it now whilst dad still quite able though no speech or eating. My husband has withdrawn all affection as a) I didn't consult him first ( he has a point with this but I didn't consult as I knew he'd say no!) b) he and our 12 year old daughter don't want to wake up to Xmas anywhere but at home. C) he won't see his mum. I get no affection from him now and he says he can't get over it and spend just one Xmas not travelling all day as a special request after 12 years of doing it his way. I'm not sleeping as I'm caught between a rock and a hard place with my mum and my husband. His mum not the issue - she would understand. Dad may not be around next Xmas and certainly not as able. Aibu? Should I upset my mum by saying we'll travel up in the day after we've opened presents and had breakfast? When I was a child we had family Xmas at alternate family homes so that's what I was used to before dp. We've had my parents to stay for Xmas previously but left to visit inlaws in the middle of the day. Mum just wants one Xmas day all together all day like we used to do. Please help 😥

Only1scoop Sun 30-Oct-16 00:48:40

I don't think yabu

I think your dp should attempt be far more understanding. He is behaving like a a petulant child. Do you often walk on egg shells with him?

newmumwithquestions Sun 30-Oct-16 00:48:54

I think I'd honour what your mum wants. But if your 12 yo is kicking off it might spoil christmas. Any way of working out how she'd be about it without dragging her into the argument?

Seren68 Sun 30-Oct-16 00:53:28

Yup! Hence my not consulting as I knew outcome - but he has a fair point about lack of consultation

stitchglitched Sun 30-Oct-16 00:59:29

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. I would make damn sure I did whatever my Mum wanted me to, to make my parents happy and show support. Your partner sounds absolutely awful.

Seren68 Sun 30-Oct-16 01:01:38

My daughter won't kick off - she is a bit anxious about change but would make best of it - especially if dp would support plan. She's lovely and wouldn't spoil things. Dp already told me he will b grumpy for Xmas. This is in addition to no cuddles, hand holding, affection etc - says it won't improve until he has Xmas with his mum again ....Dp telling me my daughter afraid to upset me but we've talked about plans to make her more comfortable - mum was with us today where we discussed Xmas plans (dp chose not to come out with us so he couldn't discuss) She'll remain concerned as long as dp doesn't support plan.

JoJoSM2 Sun 30-Oct-16 01:02:12

I'd definitely apologise for the lack of consultation. Would you be ok with going to see your parents while your Dh and dd stay with his side of the family?

Only1scoop Sun 30-Oct-16 01:03:49

Take dd with you to your Parents and insist he goes to his mums....not nice for your parents knowing he resents having to be there.

Pollyputthekettleon45 Sun 30-Oct-16 01:04:21

Do what your mom wants.
My dad won't be here for Christmas. He's in the last stages of liver cancer and has days left.

I didn't know last year was my last one with him. Have this Christmas, next year is so uncertain.

Only1scoop Sun 30-Oct-16 01:05:28

Polly flowers

Cloeycat Sun 30-Oct-16 01:07:18

I can't get over how childish your DP is being. How close are you to his mum? Could you call and explain the situation to her- any reasonable person would understand and tell you she's happy to skip this year. Maybe he'll come around if mummy tells him it's ok.

JosephineMaynard Sun 30-Oct-16 01:07:25

Under the circumstances, spending Christmas entirely with your parents sounds entirely reasonable.

I would think DH very selfish if he was kicking up a fuss about not going if I was in your place. But I have no advice for how to make him see that this isn't an ordinary Christmas and that he should make an exception to the normal Christmas arrangements just this once.

Only1scoop Sun 30-Oct-16 01:12:52

He sounds EA and do you really want 'hand holding and cuddles' from such an insensitive dick?

Put the boot on the other foot Op if his mum was the poorly one, would you treat him like this?

You have certainly displeased him regarding the non 'consulting' ....I'm getting the feeling you have to 'consult' with him about pretty much everything....

Seren68 Sun 30-Oct-16 01:14:16

The one thing we agree on is having Xmas together. I might try and talk to his mum but he'll resent that for sure. I just have to decide if it would help more than it would fan flames! I've apologised for not consulting him and explained why - he accepted my rationale but still thinks I should have (he's right - I chickened out!) Polly - so sorry for what u r going through.

Seren68 Sun 30-Oct-16 01:17:30

What is EA? I've told him he can be controlling and he doesn't realise he's doing it. I can see him trying to think about what he says so he isn't dictating things which is an indicator to me that he's trying.

Astro55 Sun 30-Oct-16 01:18:52

You should spend your Christmas as you wish

First - if he's kit being affectionate - make a bed on the sofa for him
Then tell him he can go to his parents for Christmas
Do not shop for gifts - his family - his job
Ask DD if she's willing to come with you or DH -
Then make plans -

Stop pandering to his sulks and tell him to grow up and show some support and understanding

cantthinkofabloodyname Sun 30-Oct-16 01:21:21

I'd tell your DH to stop being a self centred twat & look at the bigger picture. If my DH was withholding affection like this I'd have to say that he could stay at home on his own for xmas & he could wallow in his own "pity me" bullshit.

Seren68 Sun 30-Oct-16 01:27:43

I have shouted and told him he's unreasonable. I've discussed calmly and tried to see his position - his other thing is - what happens if something happens to his family and he doesn't have a last Xmas with them - mum has diabetes but is doing well, mums boyfriend not so good either but nothing to suggest at the moment this is likely. But it is a real anxiety to him so the fact I think he's being an arse doesn't invalidate his feelings. I usually am asleep by 10:30 but can't resolve this in my head as to how to deal with it fairly for everyone.

SpunkyMummy Sun 30-Oct-16 01:31:16

You should spend Christmas with your family.

DH has taken a plane to see my part of the family every a Christmas... this behaviour is controlling and twattish. Withholding affection because you want to spend Christmas with your DF (especially considering the circumstances)? That's just terrible.

Take your dd. he can stay at home or go to his mother.

Only1scoop Sun 30-Oct-16 01:33:22

Have you other DC?

stitchglitched Sun 30-Oct-16 01:34:46

I'd be telling him he could spend everyday with his mother from now on. How hideously selfish he sounds, not to mention manipulative.

Seren68 Sun 30-Oct-16 01:34:58

Common theme of twattish! I think I like that 😀 Thank you for your thoughts and support. I'm new here and you've been lovely. Going to try and sleep now 😴😴

AppleMagic Sun 30-Oct-16 01:35:26

Your dh is being a massive sulky brat. He's not going to hold your hand again until he has Christmas at his mums? Is he 5?

I'd plan to go without him. Surely your 12yr old is old enough to understand why this is important to you?

Seren68 Sun 30-Oct-16 01:36:05

Just the one child - she's lovely 😊

Only1scoop Sun 30-Oct-16 01:36:43

Stick to your plan Op flowers

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