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I'm 46, with partner since 19, is it ok to stop having sex now?

(71 Posts)
totorosmum Sat 29-Oct-16 19:27:39

Nothing horrific is happening, I'd really just rather not. We've got 3 kids, one a bit on the spectrum. I could honestly turn down Brad Pitt, just don't want to any more

QueenLaBeefah Sat 29-Oct-16 19:29:49

That's only really something you and your DH can agree (or disagree) on. Randomers on the internet can't give you some sort of blessing.

Goingtobeawesome Sat 29-Oct-16 19:29:54

If you both feel the same of course it is.

Should be irrelevant how long you've been together but it seems that that's part of your reasoning.

Talk to you partner but be prepared for them not to be happy.

Northernlurker Sat 29-Oct-16 19:35:03

Unless their libido has taken a dive then no, it's not going to be ok. Of course you shouldn't have sex if you don't wAnt it but that situation will have an effect on you relationship and that's unlikely to be a positive effect.
Sex is about more than orgasm, it's about closeness and affection. There are plenty of sexless happy relationships but it needs to be a mutually agreed state. Do you think your partner enjoys sex?

SpookyPotato Sat 29-Oct-16 19:35:33

Any arrangement is fine, as long as both parties are happy with it.

totorosmum Sat 29-Oct-16 19:35:36

And if we don't feel the same, what then, do I just go along with It?

PigletWasPoohsFriend Sat 29-Oct-16 19:37:11

If you don't agree then he has to decide if he can live without sex or not.

For some it would be a deal breaker

totorosmum Sat 29-Oct-16 19:42:08

Yes he still wants to. And yes it sounds more reasonable that I should suffer through than he go without, but that also seems so ....

DontTouchTheMoustache Sat 29-Oct-16 19:42:57

Have you considered why you might feel this way? Is it simply a case of being too tired or are there underlying issues? Are you struggling with your moods at all? Could it be due to depression? Or perhaps a hormonal issue? There is, of course, the possibility that you are no longer in love with your partner and do not view him in a sexual way. If there is something more to it then you need to try and work it out as it's not fair to either of you otherwise

Goingtobeawesome Sat 29-Oct-16 19:43:03

No, of course you don't have sex if you don't want to but it would be thoughtful to investigate why you don't want to have sex to see if your libido can return. If you don't want to regain your libido then it's a different matter.

totorosmum Sat 29-Oct-16 19:46:10

No I don't know if I love him any more. We're very different people now.

HeyOverHere Sat 29-Oct-16 19:47:17

Counseling will be suggested in this thread. It would be a good idea, regardless of the outcome, so you can both find peace with whatever happens.

2cats2many Sat 29-Oct-16 19:48:04

You can, of course, choose whether you want to have sex or not, but unless your partner shares your views it will inevitably have an effect on your relationship.

My mum stopped having sex with my dad after similar time frame. They're still together (30 years later) but it isn't a marriage I'd wish on anyone. I feel for both of them that they are without the physical intimacy that makes two people 'partners' rather than 'flatmates'.

Have you talked to your partner about how you feel?

totorosmum Sat 29-Oct-16 19:49:02

You're all lovely, but is there anyone out there who is in a similar situation?

pontificationcentral Sat 29-Oct-16 19:49:12

Depression, hormones, any reason for loss of libido can be investigated by gp. Sometimes it is as simple as exhaustion.
If you just don't want babies then get one or the other of you fixed.
But no, if one person in a relationship wants sex and the other doesn't, then you need to consider whether the relationship is right for you both. He might need to consider whether he would be happier with someone else.
You should probably determine the cause of your feelings first though. It's fine to not want sex. But if your partner feels differently, you have a relationship issue that needs some work to determine the outcome.

Dieu Sat 29-Oct-16 19:49:41

It will be the death knell to the relationship, if one wants sex and the other doesn't. Sorry. I speak from my own experience at least, and that of several people I've known over the years. Good luck.

TheoriginalLEM Sat 29-Oct-16 19:52:28

watching with interest - i used to be stupidly oversexed but 46 and 24 years with same partner. Who i do still love and my labido is gone. I do it out of guilt, i don't hate it but i don't care

Patrick dempsey himself could not persuade me these days...

I want to want it but id honestly rather have a cup of tea.

TheoriginalLEM Sat 29-Oct-16 19:53:52

can i ask op if you are on any medication?

MummyLikesWrapMusic Sat 29-Oct-16 19:56:06

Sounds like there's a bit more to this. A healthy adult relationship needs intimacy in my opinion. Otherwise you're just coexistence adults, sharing too much personal space. I would suggest talking to your husband, and possibly GP or counselling to root out why you feel like this.

Lorelei76 Sat 29-Oct-16 20:00:20

OP I'm single but one reason I like being single is I can't imagine I'd still want to sleep with someone for years. I'm really only interested in that way for a brief period and at 40 there's only a couple of guys I'd say yes to.

It's one of a few factors that makes relationships unattractive to me. I've lost physical interest in partners after a couple of years though of course easy to end relationship when there's no kids and you don't live with them.

So I can understand your feelings and I can imagine being fine with a sexless relationship but of course your DH might not be.

DesolateWaist Sat 29-Oct-16 20:01:31

I'd much sooner have a cup of tea, perhaps a biscuit too.
Fortunately DH feels the same.

I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation op. Why should you have sex that you really don't want, but also why should your DH not have any?

Bogeyface Sat 29-Oct-16 20:03:16

You can of course say that you dont want to have sex anymore, that is your right.

But what you cant do is expect him to be ok with it. It could mean the end of your marriage if it is that important to him.

How would you feel if he wanted to stay married to you, accepted the lack of sex between you but wanted go outside the marriage for sex? Would you be ok with that? Because without splitting up, thats the only compromise I can see with this where one of you isnt doing something that they really dont want to do.

Sunshineonacloudyday Sat 29-Oct-16 20:03:20

Are you at the early stages of menopause going through that can turn a woman off.

Justaboy Sat 29-Oct-16 20:04:35

No I don't know if I love him any more. We're very different people now.

Well that's a separate issue isnt it now?, you really don't want to be with him.

I do think that sometimes women just do not want sex, its they way they feel. That's fine if the other partner feels the same way which I expect he won't at his age might be wrong .,

Serious talks called for I think.

BertieBotts Sat 29-Oct-16 20:06:06

You shouldn't have sex you don't want.

But it does sound like there are deeper issues. Maybe you could ask for this to be moved to Relationships?

Do you think you've just grown apart or is it lack of support, something like that which has brought this up?

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