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To not know whether to agree to see estranged father with my new baby?

(7 Posts)
Boatmum1 Fri 28-Oct-16 21:18:08

It's the pretty standard story... Mum and dad had me when they were v young. Dad left mum soon after I was born, flitted in and out of my life until I was 16- at which point I told him to do one - because I couldn't rely on him EVER - even to keep arrangements to meet we'd made a few days before. He was also quite abusive to mum when they were together, and had on occasion said some pretty shitty things to me. He is also a uniquely selfish man, and very egotistical. That my dads family (who I'm in close contact with) call him Peter Pan is a real clue to his character!

I've come to my hometown to stay with mum and stepdad this week, with my 5 wk DS - and my dads family have all been to meet the baby. It's been lovely.

My dad has sent a card with congrats and requesting to meet a few weeks back- and has reiterated to my grandmother he'd like to see me before I go back to London on Sunday.

Although he's a shit, I sort of want to see him- despite the MANY years of no contact- think it must be the oxytocin still floating round my system... But worried that it will upset mum (who's been a star helping me get to grips with being firsytt time mum with DS) as she's quite sensitive and has less than fond memories of life with my dad.

He's been NO dad to me, ever really, and I don't want him to suddenly be a big part of my life - but think it would be a healing and joyful thing to do for both of us - to meet him for a coffee tomorrow with the new baby. I'm his only child, and this is likely (for various reasons) going to be his only grandchild...

On the other hand, I'm still adjusting to life with the baby, and vulnerable- no PND (in spite of fam history and antenatal depression) - but worry this - if it goes badly- could be a trigger...

Mum and DH say just do what I feel is best for me and DS... But not sure what I feel?!!!

RaptorInaWitchesHat Fri 28-Oct-16 21:36:10

You don't have to do it to his timetable you know, and it doesn't have to be on this visit. Just because he has stated he would like to see you before you leave on Sunday, doesn't mean you have to agree to it.

^^Just putting that out there.

There is no rush, honestly, for you to reconnect right now. If you're not sure, then I wouldn't rush into it.

Rochefort Fri 28-Oct-16 21:40:31

I wouldnt. Unless he's been trying hard to make an effort with you and to reconnect these last few years then i wouldnt bother. He doesnt get to play grandad when he opted out of dad. Btw, congratulations on your new babyflowers

jacks11 Fri 28-Oct-16 21:58:31

I think it is a very personal decision and you must do what you feel happiest with. However, I do agree with Raptor- it's not a decision you have to rush or something you have to do to your father's timetable. You would be perfectly within your rights to take some time to think it over, if you need to, and arrange something at a later date (maybe your dad could visit London to see you).

I'm sure your mum would be ok with it (or at least accept you have a right to introduce your son to his grandfather if you choose)- but perhaps you need to let her know so she doesn't find it out for someone else. I imagine if she is sensitive about you spending time with your dad, she'd rather hear it from you.

PresidentOliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 28-Oct-16 22:39:45

Do let us know if you'd like us to move this to our relationships topic
(congrats on the new arrival, am leaving the thread before I get broody grin)

Dani240 Fri 28-Oct-16 23:57:07

I was in a very similar situation, and decided to introduce my DC to my Dad, who sounds very like your dad. He swooped in, took lots of photos of him with baby, then left. I didn't hear from him again for ages, when he asked to borrow money angry

I assume he wanted the photos to keep up appearances, and come off as a family man to his latest girlfriend.

You don't have to decide what you want to do now - if you're not sure then be "too busy" this time and try again in a month or so.

Cherrysoup Sat 29-Oct-16 00:00:58

Very personal decision and only you can decide. Don't be influenced by others, do what makes you comfortable. Congrats on the new arrival. flowers

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