I was so enthusiastic and excited during my first 5 years as a teacher. I loved working with the kids, and I spent so much time and energy trying to put together lessons and ways of introducing the material to them. I was the female Mr. Keating (Dead Poet's Society)!
But you know what? I don't care anymore. I'm so disillusioned. THEYthe studentsdon't care. I have two students in total who actually enjoy the things we read and want to improve as writers. The majority of the rest cobble together papers based on what they read on SparkNotes and CliffNotes online; I know most of them don't read the novels at all. Did you know that it is possible to write a basic composition without reading the book about which you are writing? Well, it is. SparkNotes and similar websites give detailed plot and character summaries, and explain all themes of the literature. I'm just the loser who prattles about how much they are missing by not reading the books, the loser with my little-person school teacher's job, and so I deserve to spend hours and hours of time every evening reading and marking pages and pages of uninspired dreck written by people who don't give a damn. In fact, I'll be doing just that until about midnight tonight.
I had a student who wanted an A. He bitterly resented his C grade (I was being generous). He even admitted he hadn't read the book, and "only read the Wikipedia article, that was my mistake 'cos I should have read more articles to say what it was about." The Head said I had to "give him a chance to try again" on the composition. I just opened the document that was the student's resubmission, and guess what? COPIED WORD FOR WORD from three different internet articles. It took me less than two minutes to realize he hadn't written it AND to find the articles he copied online.
And he WILL do great in life. His parents will set him up in their family business, and he'll have a better life than I do. And he knows it. And his parents know it too: they can barely mask their contempt when I try to speak to them.
So, yeah. I'm an idiot, and a fool, and I've wasted my life.
I've had that hideous "moment of reckoning": I've just seen myself for what I am. Now I am embarrassed to go face the students again. God, I'm a loser.
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to want to quit teaching: I've lost all faith and motivation
99 replies
PeppermintTeaPlease · 28/10/2016 17:32
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