To feel CBA about this?(18 Posts)
Meeting brothers new girlfriend. Humph, where to begin. The short version is that he has terrible taste and all of his girlfriends that we've met have been jealous and unhinged and basically horrible.
He married one and she was a complete nightmare. She loved a good ruckus and would throw barbed grenades at me and the rest of the family pretty much every time we saw them. We all kept quiet because he loved her and if we would have said anything back she would have stopped him from seeing us.
This wave of horrible girlfriends has been ongoing for 15 years. The first gf he had told him she didn't like me because me and him were too close. We are very close but what's wrong with that. But anyway, he has told me that none of his girlfriends have ever liked me.
Anyway, because he means a lot to me I always want to get on well with his girlfriends. And I find myself becoming a sycophantic simpering fake-laughing please shit all over me and I will smile because I'm so very lovely knobstick. The over-compensating is so that they will like me. It's never worked. And obv being myself in earlier days didn't work either. I feel totally unlikeable and so this scenario of meeting the new gf fills me with dread because I feel so self-conscious. And believe she will just not like me whatever.
We are a close family and spend a lot of time together so it is important to me that I should get on with his gf. But after all the experience I feel like I just can't be arsed meeting another loon and the associated emotions it brings out in me.
We are meeting her this weekend at a family do and all staying over. They've been seeing each other for 4 weeks but apparently this is love and real and the same old shit already. I have to go and I have to meet her but God I just CBA with this endless pantomime of bullshit and the twat I become.
I will not simper! But I don't want to be self conscious. Why am I making it such a big deal.
It sounds a bit weird that none of the girlfriends have liked you. How many have there been?
Is it possible that your DB is saying something about you to them before you even meet?
Do any of the previous girlfriends dislike the rest of your family or just you?
It does seem like s very big deal, I'm wondering why that it.
Do you have parents Nc are you close to them?
Do you feel the need to protect your brother?
Were you responsible for him as s child and maybe you can't let go of that feeling.
Of course we all wZ g our family to choose good partners but sometimes people choose very unwisely.
I go m you need to try and stop overthinking this.
He is an adult.
Try and relax and be yourself.
There's been four. They all liked my parents and all disliked me.
I know it sounds weird. It is weird. I am a pretty normal functioning human. I have plenty of friends and have never struggled making new friends. I even have someone married to me who must think I'm pretty ok. Always got on great with colleagues. Dogs like me.
But my brother's girlfriends' all strongly dislike me.
Sorry but sounds like the common factor is you, and that is borne out by the fact that you are assuming you're going to hate this woman you've never met. Honestly, you're spending a weekend being polite to each other, in those circs probably neither of you will form strong opinions about the other. Four girlfriends (or 3 girlfriends and a wife) in 15 years isn't loads. Sounds like you have issues about him dating tbh.
Wonder what he says to them beforehand?
Go, do your best to be fairly quiet-not unfriendly quiet, just chilled. Don't make getting to know her your focus-just potter and chat now and then. See if that helps.
(All my younger sib's partners before The One were arrogant numbskull tripe-arses, so I do understand the dread. Meeting them was invariably grim.)
I'm going to be honest: I haven't liked any of my siblings' partners right away. It takes me time to get to know them and to trust them, and that's because I love my siblings and, deep down, I suspect I don't think anyone is good enough for any of them 😂
But on a rational level I know I just have to be nice, be open to friendship with them and give it time. Try that.
One is an anomaly, two is suspicious, three is a pattern, four is a correlation. The common factor is you in this. How close are you? Are you over bearing?
You get what you expect.
Stop anticipating and trying to force an outcome. Just be friendly without making a big effort.
Oh dear, my DS has had lots of GFs, 3 have been for over 18 months long and I have liked them all.
They have all liked my DD as well.
Not sure how you have managed not to get on with any at all.
I think they are picking up on some tension you have about him dating.
Do you chase about and tickle each other?
Ha no! And we didn't share a bedroom until we were 20 either and I don't cuddle him. We aren't Those Siblings.
Yes the common denominator is me. Not sure what my brother says to them. Knowing him, he probably tells them I've disliked all his gf so far. He is 'helpful' like that.
Think the pottering and general chat is a good approach.
Try and think of them like a new co-worker - you want to be polite and friendly, but if you dont end up friends then its not a disaster.
I wonder if your panicked "must be nice!" is coming across as more sarcastic/gloating/condecending and thats whats tripping you up.
Just treat it as a normal family occasion with someone else there. Be friendly but let her start conversations with you...
4 weeks and she's been invited to a family do that involves staying over? Bloody hell that's a bit much. If I was the new GF I'd be 'coming down with something' to get out of it!
TBH your 'simpering sycophant' probably goes quite nicely with his 'this is love don'tcha know' personality. But at least you know that it is not the real you. Is it the real him? Because it's just not healthy to fall in
fake love so easily. And let's assume you are correct and all his GFs have been "jealous and unhinged" Does he target this type or attract it?
Truthfully, I'd say he targeted this type in the past. He said before going on a date with this new one that he was going for 'the complete opposite' of what he has gone for previously. So he knows he has chosen duffers previously.
He genuinely falls in love quickly. He is the most impulsive person I have ever known. He gets an idea and runs with it. And the same applies to his love life. So he goes in all guns blazing and we roll our eyes and say here we go again. And yes, she is choosing to come along to this big family do and stay over which suggests to me that she is a bit crazy too. They declared themselves a couple after two weeks of meeting each other. They are both late thirties. The whole thing makes me bash my hand on my head.
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